new-age old lady

My mom runs a chronic-pain management group out of the clinic she works for in Minnesota. I need to be in that group, even though I already know some of the skills the people learn. The most important one is just breathing, and I’ve been working on mine more than ever lately, because I am a cripple. This morning Michelle said, “No you’re not,” but went on to point out that if I was in a chair, we couldn’t hold hands. I said maybe I’ll get an electronic chair, and she could ride a motorized scooter, but realistically it’s more likely I’ll have to use a cane or something. I’m tired of my foot hurting! Every morning and night I put ice on the scar tissue. I also use a heating pad on my hip. I also massage the foot and do as much stretching as I can motivate myself to do on any given evening. All the same, the whole right side of my body is fucked up! I don’t even want to go anywhere because making that side support me is so much work. The arch supports in my shoes make walking possible, but it’s still unpleasant and hard. Last night when Michelle and I were watching TV in bed and I was icing my foot and using the heater pad, Michelle said, “You’re an old lady … a new-age one.” I hate that when we’re walking together I feel like I can’t keep up and all I can think about is the foot and leg, how tired they are and how they want to stop trying. And then my hip starts pinching the nerves in a sharp way. God!!! Why? The podiatrist said surgery would be extreme and I should just learn to manage it better, like all the ice and stuff. But it seems like it’s just getting worse overall as time passes!

Plus, on the other side of my body, I think my left nostril or sinuses has been clogged for years. I’ve been closing off the clear side, breathing in, and then breathing out through my mouth. After five minutes of breathing in through the clogged side, it does help a little and I find my voice sounds clearer too. No wonder singing started feeling so hard like I couldn’t breathe. I can’t breathe.

I want to live and I want to feel good. I need clean air, and eyes not glued to a computer screen all day, every day, which gives me a weird headache, and I need acupuncture too but I can’t afford it. Fuck it all, fine I agree to feel like shit forever until I die.