All joking aside, Michelle Leila Karam and I, Stephanie Faith Wiens-Karam were wed this morning, January 10th, in the city clerks office at 1 Centre Street! People in our vicinity seemed to all guess what we were up to! Upon arrival at 8am, after exiting the subway, we were looking around for the entrance to the building. - a stranger heard mention of "Centre Street" and gave us clear directions even so far as "the marriages are on the 2nd floor" and a special glance. The security person in the building said "are you guys together" after asking me if I knew where I was headed, a few steps ahead of MK, and also smiled. There were several other random comments but we felt no shame and everyone involved seemed quite happy for us! Afterward we felt elated and bought a latte from Dunkin Donuts. The only thing that could make this day better is if we were going on a vacation now or a sort of honeymoon. This weekend there will be a "trip" of sorts, but a thing to eat and not anywhere to go. Well, perhaps we will walk to the park, if it's warm outside.
Here I venture to initiate an oft-repeated discussion with myself on why I continue to want to smoke pot when it makes me paranoid and hate myself? There must be something I like and benefit from so as to subject myself to that type of feeling and thinking and hope for the best. I have always experienced severe paranoia and self-hate with weed, in fact when I first started smoking I would be unable to function in public as I can now, crossing streets and talking to people. Perhaps it is the deep thoughts I like, even if they seem stupid the next day. But they're not stupid. Time travel isn't stupid.
You know how on the L word Alice has her dumb fucking chart? Well I often think about something similar, an idea also inspired by all the networking sites and the idea of people being connected in various ways. Well, perhaps the year 2000 was a very important year even if the world didn't end or all the computers crash at once. And it seems that Brooklyn is a very important place right now (and has been for a while I admit but especially around the turn of this century is my point). I think there is powerful energy concentrated there (or "here", depending on your perspective) and it's growing because of all the queer healers/spiritual people/artists etc. living in the vicinity. I honestly don't think it's a coincidence, but part of a grand "plan," so to speak, the denouement of which I sincerely hope I am around to observe. So I have done some online research in my days of working as a receptionist with time on my hands, and some people I have checked out in terms of their pictures, profiles, and blogs spark a feeling of recognition in me, or perhaps inspiration. Some of them look like me or something reminds me of myself, and some of them remind me of each other. I married the one who reminded me the most of myself, and it was a smart move I made there. I would and could not love anyone the way I love her and she's my one and only sweetheart. So when I do "research" now into these other queers, I am just curious about the similarities and elements I find beautiful. I actually spent a while today and yesterday looking a little further into the life of an ex-gf of Michelle's named Michelle N. In the past, mentions of her gave me a jealous feeling. I thought this was because they share a drug history and party history together that I cannot share with Mishy. But I also thought I felt jealous because this person is a singer. But she's actually more so the bass player not lead singer for her bands, and I found this out yesterday while clicking around various internet sites. I had not really looked at her myspace profile before. It's taken me a long time to research Mishy's myspace friends for some reason. Perhaps because she made me feel secure from the start, I focused more on our conversations than who she knew/has known. Anyways, the past couple days I looked more into this particular ex of hers. I looked at her pictures, and her girlfriend's pictures, and read her myspace blog and honestly I had a strange sense of familiarity with her. Maybe this is because I'd also read Mishy's diary from the time of their relationship, but she just seemed so real to me on my computer screen, like I knew her and even felt affection for her. Her blog reminded me of the type of pictures I take and have posted in this blog, mostly digital "self-portraits" (or of my girlfriend) or mundane objects, close-up. Like a mediocre but inspired photographer. I had this feeling that I'm really trying to describe and define here- where I saw parts of myself, parts of Mishy, and parts of other people I have dated in her. Her chin and teeth remind me of Erin, actually. But it isn't just similarities in physical features... and really my "theory" could have the logical explanation that people date similar people... but why? But that's irrelevant here. So, is it safe to say: there are these clusters of people resembling each other in this "community" (heh heh) who are related by romantic ties? The community might not just be in Brooklyn, but is at least based there (here), as where the energy is locating itself. This example, Michelle N. doesn't live in Brooklyn, but she is probably connected to it through friends. But do I have an actual theory here? It doesn't matter for now, as this piece of writing is only to note I've noticed some important signs and clues. Another thing I noticed when I looked at pics of Michelle N.'s girlfriend: she (the gf) has a very similar nose as Mishy, which happens to be an unusual one with a neat split on the end of it (like two towers of Lebanon). But she doesn't have eyes at all like my baby. I love Mixy's eyes because they have light brownish/purple rings around them and they seem to me to burn constantly with a feverish darkness. I like her hair because it's pretty and soft. But I like, no, love all her features because they are striking, unusual, royal, almost haughty or noble, elegant, marked by strong bones, veins, teeth, and skin a shade darker than white. Well, you've seen the pictures.
And I plan to take many more pictures on our "trip" this weekend also. I have this new camera I haven't hardly used at all yet. I really should photograph this fucking cold sore in the corner of my mouth. It has turned into a hard scab now. I really want to tear it off, but then it will bleed. I do not enjoy walking around knowing every stranger that looks at me is making a mental note to self: aha! That girl has herpes. Also, I haven't really been kissable or kissed in a couple weeks, except New Years, when supposedly Michelle and I were tongue kissing for a long time but I don't remember it. I certainly would have advised against it! I gave her my cold, but to date she displays no cold sores. Damn, I feel really cranky answering the phone here at work. Leave me the fuck alone! Why am I not on a plane with my baby, headed to somewhere warm and nice?
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