Dreams and fantasies

I just remembered a dream but I’m not sure if it’s from last night or the one before. I was eating paper money, taking bites and chewing calmly, but I didn’t like the taste. Suddenly I thought about how money is covered with germs and dirtiness. So I stopped eating it and was trying to remember if I had the bills for awhile or if I just got them at the bodega.

So I just came into work late after stopping at Hunter to pay my bill and meet with a financial aid officer. She had no new news for me, except I must pay, and that I did. I hope I’ll be able to pay most semesters out of pocket, since I recently learned that the federal loan I’ve been paying on for six years (for 17K) is actually a couple hundred dollars MORE now than when I started, and all my payments have only (almost) covered the interest. It is consolidated, but I cannot even defer it while I’m in grad school because I’m only taking five, not six, credits. Enough about this boring crap though.

This morning I went along with Mishy in the car to Bedstuy for her work and then she dropped me off on the UES. I love driving around (as a passenger) because it’s so much better than travelling underground for getting a whole picture of how the neighborhoods relate and the map becomes a reality. I recognized a couple places that I’ve only travelled to by train and now I see that I could even bike there. I want a fucking bicycle so badly! Will I ever get one? I don’t want to wear a helmet though.

Also I was thinking again how I want to have a child with the Karam bloodline. It’s a fantasy I probably shouldn’t nurture too much because it would require full cooperation with one of her male relatives, namely, her brother, and if he’s sane he’ll probably think the idea is weird or wrong and never be motivated for the hard work and commitment it would truly take. Even if on some drunken evening he agreed, and even went so far as to give one sperm sample (or whatever), ladies don’t always get pregnant on the first try. It could take many samples and I might be infertile, who knows? But I really want to have this baby. I know it’s a fantasy. But I think it would be the most beautiful child, and so smart. It would also inherit, from my side, the risk of brain aneurysm, schizophrenia, and breast cancer, and from Michelle’s side, OCD, bipolar depression, and who knows what else. It would be a sick mix, one that excites rather than discourages me. I have even somewhat reconciled myself to the idea that it could come out as a boy. Earlier, that fact made me not want to take any risks. But possibly I could love a boy child? Eventually it would have to turn into a man, of course. In that case, this plan could only work if Mishy’s brother was interested in doing some parenting, which, I don’t even know how Mich would feel about that, much less how her bro would feel. I truly like the idea of co-parenting. If he wanted to be a dad but never finds a woman to do it with, this could work! But he will. He’s handsome, smart, would be a good father, etc….but maybe he’ll marry someone infertile on accident! And hopefully I’d have a girl, and I would name her Tasha. I would be willing to share Tasha with her father also, and maybe he would only want to take her two weekends a month or something! A boy would probably be named after his father, and maybe with my dad’s middle name. I also like the name Moshe for a boy, but it’s Jewish and I don’t think Michelle would go for that. If I had twins, boy and girl, our household could include the following names (including my cat): Mishy, Moshe, Tasha, and Tati. I like that. If I can’t have a baby with Karam genes, I’m not interested in impregnating myself at all. It’s probably better that way anyway. Michelle and I are somewhat self-absorbed and busy taking care of our fragile psyches and each others’ sanity. Things could change though, I guess we’ll see.