killing time

It might just be what I smoked this morning, but I find myself thinking I might be able to time travel. I’m serious. I was just walking around the west side hwy because my lady dropped me off for work early enough that I didn’t want to go inside just then (actually I went up and walked back out). It’s raining so I didn’t get to linger by the water and I was listening to music which feels unsafe around there actually. I was thinking about this little book on Zen that my friend gave to me and I lent to Mishy. The first dozen times I read it, it confused and upset me. It’s just little quotes by various monks or whatever. Mishy says she finds it hard to wrap her mind around too. You read the sentences over and over but can’t put them together or make sense of it. But so it’s all about the mind, right? And there’s this incomprehensible leap the book is trying to explain. You can do it directly, but you can’t think about it in any way. You can’t have any thoughts. It starts with breathing, and it is the whole point of yoga and meditation. So, I feel like I have "done it" or understood several times to a tiny degree or fragment of a moment, and mostly while smoking but a couple times not. But it feels joyous and it is the reason I believe in god, and it is god. Maybe it is just happiness? I’ve had that “feeling” twice lately when looking at the sun. I think about that part in the Murakami book where the character is in a hole in Siberia during the war. He just saw his comrade skinned alive, and is left for dead. He looks up from the bottom of the hole into the sun and feels something I could imagine, love and faith, it seemed to me. Now, what does this have to do with time travel? I started to think this morning, in that “state,” are you not open to the whole dimension of everything, and might you look around? I have a strange memory of sitting with a neighborhood friend on the stairs of the first house my family lived in, and closing our eyes tight, and going to other worlds or something. I was a little afraid even, because it was real. We had tricks to induce it and would say something or do something magical. What if I could do the direct connection with god as a child and why should I not have been able to? It has nothing to do with education and is above language or thoughts. Anyways, I’m determined to just have a look around here and observe people, as this is just one time and place (morning/work) and anything could happen. I’m feeling the energy to wonder how things seem and feel to other people.