harm reduction

I can’t live like this, staring at a computer screen all day under neon lights, no windows, no fresh air, no movement. My eyes and head hurt every day. And my back hurts. There are changes coming, and I’m wanting them to come.

I no longer worry about how my minimal, recreational drug use might affect MK. Because I am not the problem and my problems are not the ones that really make it hard for her. At work she has to go to crack hotels, visit junkies in their apartments, and travel around the Bronx, Wash Heights, and Harlem – so she sees it all. And still, she is clean for almost 6 months now. The program she works for espouses the idea of harm reduction, and I believe in it too. Ingesting things like rx pills, alcohol, and smoking weed - all in moderation - are light years away from shooting or having anything to do with heroin. Some people might say, but Oh! Heath Ledger just died from pills! But I’m sure he was doing other things that aren’t in the papers. Well, I used to think we needed to follow the AA method of abstinence, and after a couple evenings that got out of hand, I considered going back to that. But I don’t think it’s ultimately the best strategy for us or for her. I keep a close eye on her, as much as possible, but I wish I could protect her during the day too when she is exposed, on a daily basis, to more than most people ever see in their life, including myself. I have always been scared of being out of control, so much so that I am rigid about being safe with substances. I didn’t drink in high school and although I got sick and passed out at parties in college, I know my limits now and rarely push them. I think my habits are the perfect match for someone who needs their potential harm reduced.

I’m not liking my supervisor right now... I feel his energy wanting to pick on me. He better not try it, or we will be screaming again and I’ll leave. What else can I write about here? My goal is to see things for what they are and myself for what I am too. That’s advice on a Zen level, from the book. Let go of fear and judgment. Haha! But that’s what I am, afraid and judgmental! Zen is all circles, forcing you to go around and around till you give up and don’t care anymore. I’m interested. But at the same time, the chances of me being enlightened seem slim. I feel like having a fight. Or do I? I'm actually very afraid of fights.