harm reduction

I can’t live like this, staring at a computer screen all day under neon lights, no windows, no fresh air, no movement. My eyes and head hurt every day. And my back hurts. There are changes coming, and I’m wanting them to come.

I no longer worry about how my minimal, recreational drug use might affect MK. Because I am not the problem and my problems are not the ones that really make it hard for her. At work she has to go to crack hotels, visit junkies in their apartments, and travel around the Bronx, Wash Heights, and Harlem – so she sees it all. And still, she is clean for almost 6 months now. The program she works for espouses the idea of harm reduction, and I believe in it too. Ingesting things like rx pills, alcohol, and smoking weed - all in moderation - are light years away from shooting or having anything to do with heroin. Some people might say, but Oh! Heath Ledger just died from pills! But I’m sure he was doing other things that aren’t in the papers. Well, I used to think we needed to follow the AA method of abstinence, and after a couple evenings that got out of hand, I considered going back to that. But I don’t think it’s ultimately the best strategy for us or for her. I keep a close eye on her, as much as possible, but I wish I could protect her during the day too when she is exposed, on a daily basis, to more than most people ever see in their life, including myself. I have always been scared of being out of control, so much so that I am rigid about being safe with substances. I didn’t drink in high school and although I got sick and passed out at parties in college, I know my limits now and rarely push them. I think my habits are the perfect match for someone who needs their potential harm reduced.

I’m not liking my supervisor right now... I feel his energy wanting to pick on me. He better not try it, or we will be screaming again and I’ll leave. What else can I write about here? My goal is to see things for what they are and myself for what I am too. That’s advice on a Zen level, from the book. Let go of fear and judgment. Haha! But that’s what I am, afraid and judgmental! Zen is all circles, forcing you to go around and around till you give up and don’t care anymore. I’m interested. But at the same time, the chances of me being enlightened seem slim. I feel like having a fight. Or do I? I'm actually very afraid of fights.

Ideas

I just started reading ‘The gospel According to Zen,’ and although I already knew this, it reminded me that I really cannot seek transcendence or I won’t find it, so I better change the title of this blog from "Faith Seeking Transcendence" to something else. Actually it doesn’t matter if I seek it or not. What I like about this book is it blends and compares Eastern ideas with sayings from Jesus, who was not the type of person modern day Christians make him out to be. I don’t know what he was, but he said some things that are very enigmatic and mysterious. My thoughts and feelings about God and the future are also presently under the influence of a couple shows I saw on the history channel Monday night. One show was about how the earth would bounce back so to speak if humans ceased to exist for one hundred to one thousand years and more. The second show was about USO’s, which are Unidentified Swimming Objects, although to be precise the saucers have been spotted swimming and flying, which makes sense to me. I definitely don’t like the idea of our earth being colonized by aliens, who would certainly annihilate us the way Europeans did American Indians and every other instance of colonization. I can accept that the aliens may even exist in the future and be travelling into the past to finish us off and take over (just an idea). What bothers me is that our civilizations today may be somewhere in the middle of the timeline, if one exists, of time since the beginning (which doesn’t exist) into the very end of time (which also may not exist). I would like to be at the end of this story because I want to know the answer, the end, the final point. The idea that things could go on forever and I’ll never get to know or see more is quite depressing. All these ideas, including the ones promoted by the book of Zen, are encouraging me to give up the idea of a personal God that is separate from me. All I want is very simple… I want to have a continued consciousness of myself after death in some form, and to not be parted from Michelle. I’m perfectly fine flying around and haunting people, or going to any other world or time and space. I just want to remember my life. But I would also like to experience other worlds here and now. I’m not satisfied with this view. From what I can gather, it isn’t up to me whether I might experience satori or nirvana or whatever, although I can prepare myself and make efforts to detach from everything that makes me, me. Supposedly, there is a core of me that will survive the detachment, and it’s the real me! Either way, this world is a bore most of the time, meaningless work and ugliness, stupidity. All people care about is getting more shit and throwing it away (into a landfill or the ocean). People in this country don’t even realize how rich they are. Even the poor people are rich. It’s a pointless dream for every fucking person to be healthy and wealthy. Everyone can’t live forever. People didn’t even used to live past 45 on the regular. It doesn’t make people happy anyway, health and wealth. Everyone is just sitting around waiting for something great to happen to them like winning the lottery, and if it doesn’t happen, they’re confused and depressed. Gross! It’s true for me also. It like to imagine being a Native American and being happy in my home with all the extended family around and a fire going cooking some rice or buffalo or something. Or I can imagine living on a farm or a small community where people learn their parents’ trade and have arranged marriages… I like that. I wish technology and industrialization could be reversed. Of course I couldn’t have the arranged marriage for myself, but they had “spinsters” in those days too and women are allowed to have close friendships. But some of the American Indians accepted inter-sexed people and gays too, because this type of love has always existed, but it’s just a question of it scaring certain types of insecure people.

new-age old lady

My mom runs a chronic-pain management group out of the clinic she works for in Minnesota. I need to be in that group, even though I already know some of the skills the people learn. The most important one is just breathing, and I’ve been working on mine more than ever lately, because I am a cripple. This morning Michelle said, “No you’re not,” but went on to point out that if I was in a chair, we couldn’t hold hands. I said maybe I’ll get an electronic chair, and she could ride a motorized scooter, but realistically it’s more likely I’ll have to use a cane or something. I’m tired of my foot hurting! Every morning and night I put ice on the scar tissue. I also use a heating pad on my hip. I also massage the foot and do as much stretching as I can motivate myself to do on any given evening. All the same, the whole right side of my body is fucked up! I don’t even want to go anywhere because making that side support me is so much work. The arch supports in my shoes make walking possible, but it’s still unpleasant and hard. Last night when Michelle and I were watching TV in bed and I was icing my foot and using the heater pad, Michelle said, “You’re an old lady … a new-age one.” I hate that when we’re walking together I feel like I can’t keep up and all I can think about is the foot and leg, how tired they are and how they want to stop trying. And then my hip starts pinching the nerves in a sharp way. God!!! Why? The podiatrist said surgery would be extreme and I should just learn to manage it better, like all the ice and stuff. But it seems like it’s just getting worse overall as time passes!

Plus, on the other side of my body, I think my left nostril or sinuses has been clogged for years. I’ve been closing off the clear side, breathing in, and then breathing out through my mouth. After five minutes of breathing in through the clogged side, it does help a little and I find my voice sounds clearer too. No wonder singing started feeling so hard like I couldn’t breathe. I can’t breathe.

I want to live and I want to feel good. I need clean air, and eyes not glued to a computer screen all day, every day, which gives me a weird headache, and I need acupuncture too but I can’t afford it. Fuck it all, fine I agree to feel like shit forever until I die.

Dreams and fantasies

I just remembered a dream but I’m not sure if it’s from last night or the one before. I was eating paper money, taking bites and chewing calmly, but I didn’t like the taste. Suddenly I thought about how money is covered with germs and dirtiness. So I stopped eating it and was trying to remember if I had the bills for awhile or if I just got them at the bodega.

So I just came into work late after stopping at Hunter to pay my bill and meet with a financial aid officer. She had no new news for me, except I must pay, and that I did. I hope I’ll be able to pay most semesters out of pocket, since I recently learned that the federal loan I’ve been paying on for six years (for 17K) is actually a couple hundred dollars MORE now than when I started, and all my payments have only (almost) covered the interest. It is consolidated, but I cannot even defer it while I’m in grad school because I’m only taking five, not six, credits. Enough about this boring crap though.

This morning I went along with Mishy in the car to Bedstuy for her work and then she dropped me off on the UES. I love driving around (as a passenger) because it’s so much better than travelling underground for getting a whole picture of how the neighborhoods relate and the map becomes a reality. I recognized a couple places that I’ve only travelled to by train and now I see that I could even bike there. I want a fucking bicycle so badly! Will I ever get one? I don’t want to wear a helmet though.

Also I was thinking again how I want to have a child with the Karam bloodline. It’s a fantasy I probably shouldn’t nurture too much because it would require full cooperation with one of her male relatives, namely, her brother, and if he’s sane he’ll probably think the idea is weird or wrong and never be motivated for the hard work and commitment it would truly take. Even if on some drunken evening he agreed, and even went so far as to give one sperm sample (or whatever), ladies don’t always get pregnant on the first try. It could take many samples and I might be infertile, who knows? But I really want to have this baby. I know it’s a fantasy. But I think it would be the most beautiful child, and so smart. It would also inherit, from my side, the risk of brain aneurysm, schizophrenia, and breast cancer, and from Michelle’s side, OCD, bipolar depression, and who knows what else. It would be a sick mix, one that excites rather than discourages me. I have even somewhat reconciled myself to the idea that it could come out as a boy. Earlier, that fact made me not want to take any risks. But possibly I could love a boy child? Eventually it would have to turn into a man, of course. In that case, this plan could only work if Mishy’s brother was interested in doing some parenting, which, I don’t even know how Mich would feel about that, much less how her bro would feel. I truly like the idea of co-parenting. If he wanted to be a dad but never finds a woman to do it with, this could work! But he will. He’s handsome, smart, would be a good father, etc….but maybe he’ll marry someone infertile on accident! And hopefully I’d have a girl, and I would name her Tasha. I would be willing to share Tasha with her father also, and maybe he would only want to take her two weekends a month or something! A boy would probably be named after his father, and maybe with my dad’s middle name. I also like the name Moshe for a boy, but it’s Jewish and I don’t think Michelle would go for that. If I had twins, boy and girl, our household could include the following names (including my cat): Mishy, Moshe, Tasha, and Tati. I like that. If I can’t have a baby with Karam genes, I’m not interested in impregnating myself at all. It’s probably better that way anyway. Michelle and I are somewhat self-absorbed and busy taking care of our fragile psyches and each others’ sanity. Things could change though, I guess we’ll see.

Research by day

Subjects I have been doing internet research on this morning: gay culture and fashion in LA, transcendence, and ecstasy, the drug. Did you know ecstasy was legal in the U.S until 1985? It was invented at the beginning of the century and was initially used for and promoted by psychologists who claimed its primary benefit was improving communication between people in a close relationship. It was also used in studies of people with PTSD and rape victims (although these studies were disallowed, for some reason). It is also associated with transcendence, especially when used in combination with trippy drugs like mushrooms. All the major religions address the concept of transcendence, and I’m having a real desire to explore and experience it. I’ve been practicing the ujai breath whenever I remember to, especially when riding the train or sitting at my desk doing nothing. Obviously drugs help change the mind so that it can receive greater “understanding” and transcendence. But one cannot be doing drugs all the time for so many reasons, mainly that they take a toll on the mind and the body, cause tolerance and dependence, and are expensive.

You know, it’s funny; this guy sitting in the cubicle next to me constantly wants to ask all these questions and make conversation with everyone but especially me because with my limited knowledge I trained him, and he doesn’t take a hint too quickly. He wants to do his job well and really gets into it, but that’s annoying because everyone else in this office has given up. And I’m reminded of when I too wanted to do things right here and help the company stop wasting time and money. But they don’t care. If they don’t care, I don’t care. And this fucking guy shouldn’t care!

the giggles

So we ate the mushrooms this afternoon... and the fact that I thought we might go to the park is laughable. There is no way we could have left the house in that state. Mine kicked in when on the phone with Time Warner, when I told my number wrong then looked at MK and we started laughing uncontrollably and I had to end the call. Basically it was like being tickled, where the laughter starts to hurt after awhile. The mind came off it's hinges. If consciousness and the mind are like a car attatched to rails that's riding along the rails, be aware that you can get off the ride. Michelle hated the experience, and I really loved it. I was scared at first, for sure. But then I decided to let go. And while everything was funny in a scary way, and there was also some nausea and a need to lay down and keep still, I definitely felt aware of the wide open world of nothingness, of everything, that lies outside consciousness. It's so real. The mind has to be attatched to our regular perspective in order to function, but outside of that is god and everything truly spiritual. I think that's why Michelle hated the experience. She doesn't believe in God and feels skeptical of everything non-scientific and western. I kept calling her "the dead girl" because that's how she appeared to me. It freaked her out when I said it, but everytime I looked at her I saw her like a Tim Burton character, with a gray face, a very attractive dead girl. I felt like we exist outside life too.....god fuck it all I can't explain it. I just know that this world isn't real and all the daily things we have to do....I don't feel like doing them. I want more. I want to know everything. I want to feel everything. I want to escape, with Michelle.

letting go

I don’t know if this is Zen or not, but this morning I keep thinking about how actions inspired by neutral or even good intentions can be the cause of bad things, as much as bad intentions. For instance in an election, perhaps the “better” candidate wins because the apathetic public does the “right” thing by voting for once, then the leader is assassinated and subsequently the country plunges into recession, depression, civil war? Or a smaller scale, say you hold the elevator door open for someone and are kind and friendly to them and the elevator gets stuck or falls to the basement? And maybe the philanthropic organizations and social services only serve to keep more people alive longer, contributing to overpopulation; in fact all humanitarian efforts have that effect, which in turn causes more people to suffer because of limited resources? Maybe it would be better if a plague came and wiped most of us out and only a small number lived on to have a better life than would be possible for eight billion people. The more of us that live, the more animals die and the earth’s resources are depleted and destroyed. I guess some old 19th century philosopher(s) said that the railroad system was a sign of the earth's coming end. He (they?) called the network like the galaxy or network of the devil or something. This idea was mentioned in The Idiot, but I can't remember the exact quote. Anyways, the idea was right in a way because industrialization has led to the situation with limited fuel, pollution, extinct species, the ozone layer, global warming, etc. So naturally other people have considered this problem, which is fine, but I’m not having a nihilistic reaction and I’m not saying there’s no point in doing right or wrong or even believing in good and bad. You have to live as rightly as possible, and I’m trying to. I don’t recycle everything and like I’m saying, this morning I recognize that even if I did, maybe something bad would come of that anyway. It’s impossible to understand all the possible results of every little move we make. Like, I could be a perfect employee and still get laid off. Or I could violate every rule of common professional decency and keep my job forever. I just came back from doing some freestyle yoga in the conference room. It’s Friday. I’ve nothing more to say since it’s all been said and it is highly unnecessary to anyone.

Honeymoon / Revolution in Brooklyn

All joking aside, Michelle Leila Karam and I, Stephanie Faith Wiens-Karam were wed this morning, January 10th, in the city clerks office at 1 Centre Street! People in our vicinity seemed to all guess what we were up to! Upon arrival at 8am, after exiting the subway, we were looking around for the entrance to the building. - a stranger heard mention of "Centre Street" and gave us clear directions even so far as "the marriages are on the 2nd floor" and a special glance. The security person in the building said "are you guys together" after asking me if I knew where I was headed, a few steps ahead of MK, and also smiled. There were several other random comments but we felt no shame and everyone involved seemed quite happy for us! Afterward we felt elated and bought a latte from Dunkin Donuts. The only thing that could make this day better is if we were going on a vacation now or a sort of honeymoon. This weekend there will be a "trip" of sorts, but a thing to eat and not anywhere to go. Well, perhaps we will walk to the park, if it's warm outside.

Here I venture to initiate an oft-repeated discussion with myself on why I continue to want to smoke pot when it makes me paranoid and hate myself? There must be something I like and benefit from so as to subject myself to that type of feeling and thinking and hope for the best. I have always experienced severe paranoia and self-hate with weed, in fact when I first started smoking I would be unable to function in public as I can now, crossing streets and talking to people. Perhaps it is the deep thoughts I like, even if they seem stupid the next day. But they're not stupid. Time travel isn't stupid.

You know how on the L word Alice has her dumb fucking chart? Well I often think about something similar, an idea also inspired by all the networking sites and the idea of people being connected in various ways. Well, perhaps the year 2000 was a very important year even if the world didn't end or all the computers crash at once. And it seems that Brooklyn is a very important place right now (and has been for a while I admit but especially around the turn of this century is my point). I think there is powerful energy concentrated there (or "here", depending on your perspective) and it's growing because of all the queer healers/spiritual people/artists etc. living in the vicinity. I honestly don't think it's a coincidence, but part of a grand "plan," so to speak, the denouement of which I sincerely hope I am around to observe. So I have done some online research in my days of working as a receptionist with time on my hands, and some people I have checked out in terms of their pictures, profiles, and blogs spark a feeling of recognition in me, or perhaps inspiration. Some of them look like me or something reminds me of myself, and some of them remind me of each other. I married the one who reminded me the most of myself, and it was a smart move I made there. I would and could not love anyone the way I love her and she's my one and only sweetheart. So when I do "research" now into these other queers, I am just curious about the similarities and elements I find beautiful. I actually spent a while today and yesterday looking a little further into the life of an ex-gf of Michelle's named Michelle N. In the past, mentions of her gave me a jealous feeling. I thought this was because they share a drug history and party history together that I cannot share with Mishy. But I also thought I felt jealous because this person is a singer. But she's actually more so the bass player not lead singer for her bands, and I found this out yesterday while clicking around various internet sites. I had not really looked at her myspace profile before. It's taken me a long time to research Mishy's myspace friends for some reason. Perhaps because she made me feel secure from the start, I focused more on our conversations than who she knew/has known. Anyways, the past couple days I looked more into this particular ex of hers. I looked at her pictures, and her girlfriend's pictures, and read her myspace blog and honestly I had a strange sense of familiarity with her. Maybe this is because I'd also read Mishy's diary from the time of their relationship, but she just seemed so real to me on my computer screen, like I knew her and even felt affection for her. Her blog reminded me of the type of pictures I take and have posted in this blog, mostly digital "self-portraits" (or of my girlfriend) or mundane objects, close-up. Like a mediocre but inspired photographer. I had this feeling that I'm really trying to describe and define here- where I saw parts of myself, parts of Mishy, and parts of other people I have dated in her. Her chin and teeth remind me of Erin, actually. But it isn't just similarities in physical features... and really my "theory" could have the logical explanation that people date similar people... but why? But that's irrelevant here. So, is it safe to say: there are these clusters of people resembling each other in this "community" (heh heh) who are related by romantic ties? The community might not just be in Brooklyn, but is at least based there (here), as where the energy is locating itself. This example, Michelle N. doesn't live in Brooklyn, but she is probably connected to it through friends. But do I have an actual theory here? It doesn't matter for now, as this piece of writing is only to note I've noticed some important signs and clues. Another thing I noticed when I looked at pics of Michelle N.'s girlfriend: she (the gf) has a very similar nose as Mishy, which happens to be an unusual one with a neat split on the end of it (like two towers of Lebanon). But she doesn't have eyes at all like my baby. I love Mixy's eyes because they have light brownish/purple rings around them and they seem to me to burn constantly with a feverish darkness. I like her hair because it's pretty and soft. But I like, no, love all her features because they are striking, unusual, royal, almost haughty or noble, elegant, marked by strong bones, veins, teeth, and skin a shade darker than white. Well, you've seen the pictures.

And I plan to take many more pictures on our "trip" this weekend also. I have this new camera I haven't hardly used at all yet. I really should photograph this fucking cold sore in the corner of my mouth. It has turned into a hard scab now. I really want to tear it off, but then it will bleed. I do not enjoy walking around knowing every stranger that looks at me is making a mental note to self: aha! That girl has herpes. Also, I haven't really been kissable or kissed in a couple weeks, except New Years, when supposedly Michelle and I were tongue kissing for a long time but I don't remember it. I certainly would have advised against it! I gave her my cold, but to date she displays no cold sores. Damn, I feel really cranky answering the phone here at work. Leave me the fuck alone! Why am I not on a plane with my baby, headed to somewhere warm and nice?

killing time

It might just be what I smoked this morning, but I find myself thinking I might be able to time travel. I’m serious. I was just walking around the west side hwy because my lady dropped me off for work early enough that I didn’t want to go inside just then (actually I went up and walked back out). It’s raining so I didn’t get to linger by the water and I was listening to music which feels unsafe around there actually. I was thinking about this little book on Zen that my friend gave to me and I lent to Mishy. The first dozen times I read it, it confused and upset me. It’s just little quotes by various monks or whatever. Mishy says she finds it hard to wrap her mind around too. You read the sentences over and over but can’t put them together or make sense of it. But so it’s all about the mind, right? And there’s this incomprehensible leap the book is trying to explain. You can do it directly, but you can’t think about it in any way. You can’t have any thoughts. It starts with breathing, and it is the whole point of yoga and meditation. So, I feel like I have "done it" or understood several times to a tiny degree or fragment of a moment, and mostly while smoking but a couple times not. But it feels joyous and it is the reason I believe in god, and it is god. Maybe it is just happiness? I’ve had that “feeling” twice lately when looking at the sun. I think about that part in the Murakami book where the character is in a hole in Siberia during the war. He just saw his comrade skinned alive, and is left for dead. He looks up from the bottom of the hole into the sun and feels something I could imagine, love and faith, it seemed to me. Now, what does this have to do with time travel? I started to think this morning, in that “state,” are you not open to the whole dimension of everything, and might you look around? I have a strange memory of sitting with a neighborhood friend on the stairs of the first house my family lived in, and closing our eyes tight, and going to other worlds or something. I was a little afraid even, because it was real. We had tricks to induce it and would say something or do something magical. What if I could do the direct connection with god as a child and why should I not have been able to? It has nothing to do with education and is above language or thoughts. Anyways, I’m determined to just have a look around here and observe people, as this is just one time and place (morning/work) and anything could happen. I’m feeling the energy to wonder how things seem and feel to other people.

Minyan Over Earth

This morning on the train I was listening to the latest VNV Nation album and specifically the song "Nemesis." It totally makes me start to imagine a Michael Jackson type video video having to do with the apocalypse. It's all different groups of people doing a tribal type march/dance together, coming over the hill or across the field, under the sun or the moon, and worshiping the return of God to earth and the final, long-awaited (millions of years) judgement day and justice. The races march separately and together. The female warriors do their own dance too, and I'm in that group. I don't mean warriors in a spear/machete type way, necessarily, but warriors of the mind and heart also. All the sapphic females are in this group. (Here imagine the Lezzies on X song might play "here come the lesbians, here come the lesbians, watch out better beware" haha). So, lately I have been feeling this new love for people on the train. In the past, more often, I felt hate and annoyance. I only felt love for the very poor or sick or those in obvious pain (but not anyone who smells bad, although I have technical compassion for them too). Regular people, especially regular ladies in fake or real designer purses and wearing whatever is commonly stylish, disgusted me. I even felt offended in some way. When I felt love, grief, or despair on the train, or any combination thereof, I might start to cry. I still do that occasionally, but more often now I feel a surging power and energy. I also feel increasingly connected to more people and make some fast eye contact and feel those eyes interested in me also. I feel that our eyes communicate, and perhaps we share a secret, in that we're both looking out and not obsessed with ourselves for that moment. Naturally it starts with the self. And I have been thinking a lot about love lately, or the strings that unite everyone and how to feel them. Because love is really the only power "the people" have. We feel ourselves as separate and are only concerned with our personal interests, and that's what keeps "us" down.

Obviously, the presidential election is upon us. Do I care? Or am I another apathetic do-nothing?? Guess what, I am a fucking apathetic do-nothing and I'm not ashamed of it either! Because it is the direct result of a pointless voting system! If you put a rat in a torture situation where it tries to escape but escape is impossible, it becomes depressed and gives up! You can't force someone to care about something that they know from experience and observation is a charade! All societies, everywhere, have been ruled by the elite whose riches and power are taken from the poor masses. America has a few great values: separation of church and state is one and freedom of speech is another. Whether or not they exist in reality to the fullest extent is a different question, but as values per say they are noble. Still, there will always be poor masses, and they will work hard their whole lives to support the lifestyles of those they VOTE FOR, if they vote. That's if they can even figure out HOW to vote. I, for one, am very confused and don't even know if I'm registered. I tried to figure this out online and it was almost impossible. And I'm literate and somewhat educated! They say you can register at the post office, but who wants to go there! (And during the workday or Saturday morning, when it's open)? Everybody knows the post office sucks. Why don't people get a registration form in the mail? But anyways, even if someone actually has the personal incentive to make sure they're registered and they actually go to a booth on voting day, there's the nasty secret that the popular vote doesn't even count. Now people have tried to explain the electoral college to me, and whenever I hear the words "electoral college," my brain tunes it out and I start thinking about something else.

And maybe the popular vote shouldn't count because the majority of people (like me) are just going to vote according to 1.) what party their parents voted 2.) what they saw on TV and 3.) their monetary interests.

But finally, even if we (the people) were allowed to pick the president by popular vote, one has to wonder how much real power any president truly has? Or is it the corporations and rich and/or military elite who wield the real power? I personally hope Obama wins the democratic nomination because I'm one of the idealistic "youth" who wants to see significant change in our country, for the better and for "the people". However, I keep saying this as a joke but I believe it: if he's real about what he says and is actually able to start making changes at the top, he will be assassinated. That is how it always goes, based on history.

I was wondering on the train this morning, how is it that all the millions and billions of people, workers, poor people, the working poor, all the disenfranchised, all the oppressed, don't join together? How does a small group (the elite) keep the masses down, universally and as a rule? And what inspires and drives effective resistance and the overthrow of oppressive governing power? Granted, not a new thought or new questions, others have wondered and also answered or tried to answer. My answer: it's a matter of not letting daily worries and financial cares trample and consume us, focusing rather on God and one's personal relationship to God... In short, the soul is infinitely more important than any and all material concerns. Be ready to die for love, and not like Romeo and Juliet, but like Gandhi, or like Jesus Christ, King of The Jews.

bunnies and rabbits

I had such a scary dream last night. I was in a grassy yard, it was nighttime and silent, the yard illuminated by moonlight, when I noticed a dozen or so bunnies and rabbits of various colors and sizes, motionless and in various positions around the yard. The yard had something to do with my childhood/adolescent friend Suzy, and I was in charge of her cat or someone’s cat. The cat was in a tent and I could hear it mewing. I was impressed by the nature of the scene. I noticed one cat among the bunnies, big and gray, puffing its chest out and growling. I went to the tent to get my camera to take a picture of the bunnies, rabbits, and cat. But when I opened the tent, the cat I was responsible for ran out. It was running toward the other creatures and one big rabbit went right for it. I cried out and was trying to run to break up the fight. Right away I saw the rabbit would kill it. I saw it sink its teeth into the cats back, and another rabbit running/hopping up to attack the cat also. I thought of calling the police or the vet, but I knew it would be too late. I never reached the fight, but woke up saying “no, no!”

I went online this morning and read some dream interpretations, and they made me cry for some reason. One article said, “Dream bunnies are complex characters symbolizing everything from fear, sexuality, creativity, luck, self-sabotage, vulnerability, and popularity to re-birth.” It goes on to talk about how rabbits and bunnies symbolized these things in ancient cultures like in Egypt and Europe and how those traditions eventually got merged with Christianity and Easter, which celebrates Christ's self-sacrifice and rebirth. I see some connections to my daily life, in that I have some serious fears about how my teaching goals will work out. The rabbits were so scary – my fears attacked me so viciously. Yeah, I think they symbolized both my creative/professional endeavors and my fears about those endeavors. In terms of rebirth, I see that I might be changed, “reborn” so to speak, by the changes happening, but these rabbits weren’t sacrificing themselves and being reborn, and neither were the cats reborn. I don’t understand. I’m scared.

(Adding on later this afternoon)...I have been pondering the dream all day, and every time I really imagine the dream tears rush to my eyes. Isn't that strange? I think this dream might be from God. The more I consider it, the more it truly seems to portray the killing of Christ. The mood and the colors of the dream, the moonlight, the hostile and volatile atmosphere, and the way the cat sacrificed itself, more or less. True, the was no raising of the dead in this dream. It was just Good Friday, no Easter. I was like Mary, mother of God, watching and horrified. I don't know what it means that God would send this dream to me, but I know it's something important.