Damn, I'm just really bored and antsy today. Right now I'm having my regular lunch, peanut butter and jelly, yogurt, and banana (I also had an orange and an apple and carrots). I eat constantly at work, just for entertainment. I wonder if people think it's unprofessional, always having a mouth full of food or gum. I have almost thirty packs of sugarless gum in my drawer, quite a collection.
I have been pondering the phrase "floridly psychotic" for the last 45 minutes or so. I looked up several definitions and I truly appreciate the flower analogy. Psychosis in full bloom. I also found a site claiming that the whole DSM is a big conspiracy of liars, and they had a video to prove it but I didn't watch because I don't care. Their point is basically irrelevant. Yesterday I was walking home from work on 33rd street near 8th avenue and I observed a common site- a homeless man (appearing to be, anyways) having an animated conversation with himself. This is the flower in bloom. I thought, it's so strange, he's in a totally different reality. And we say his reality is not real, because we agree that our reality is really real and .... aaaah. I feel like running out of the office screaming! And why shouldn't I? What's stopping me? I feel like giving up the charade! I feel like breaking rules and doing drugs! I feel like going dancing! I feel like wrestling and running around in the nudicles!
Why can't that be my reality? And by the way, do you think I am the "hoarder with OCD" featured in my dream? My aunt is Schizophrenic and she is a hoarder. My mom had to help her clean out her apartment when she was evicted a couple months ago, and apparently it was a nightmare. The truth is, I am totally sane. It's actually a disappointment. Michelle, on the other hand, had BPD, has OCD, possibly Bipolar (according to her therapist, she is supposed to get tested for this) and all the other exciting disorders that just elude me. I am bored. I am so fucking bored and refuse to work on my paper. I really don't understand Bipolar at all. It's like the hardest one to understand the criteria. All I get is that you have to have manic episodes. I asked Michelle, "Do you think I'm manic when I am all set to write a novel and such?" And she said, "No, but you would think that." So I asked, "Well, what is it? And why does Ger think you have it? You don't have mania." But then I said, "Is a drug binge mania?" And she said she doesn't know, so I give up. And if Bipolars can be floridly psychotic, what's the difference from Schizophrenia? It seems like they all start to run together. But it's not a conspiracy, that's just stupid.
I didn't watch the president last night. He was talking about the economy. I'm sick of hearing about the fucking economy. Everything's a mess, the bad guy always wins and steals everything and what's the point of talking about it. Instead I watched a 20/20 special about this Latina girl who, with the help of her gangster boyfriend, beat her beautiful daughter to death. They showed pictures. It was so sick. I have a hard time wrapping my head around violence because it is just foreign to me. I don't get how anybody can do that. The girl was just some ignorant stupid girl who probably also had a shitty mom with a monster boyfriend. See, it's depressing. It never ends. It's pointless to punish people because they don't change and they don't even admit they are wrong. It's always someone else's fault in their mind. We didn't stay up to see if the girl was convicted, because it doesn't matter. The cutie is dead, age two.
I guess I'll go back to my book now. I'm reading, "Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging." It's really funny. I don't like the title because the words are gross, but I like the book. It's a nice escape. It doesn't quell my desire for chaos, however... and unfortunately I am always depressed in the evenings. I find TV so very depressing, but I'm too lazy to do anything else. Plus this winter is lasting forever. So sick of winter!!!!!!!
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