huh?

...because i can't remember hardly anything. i can't remember my mom. or my dad or my sisters, especially my older sister. i have some pictures in my head attached to photos and flashes of recognition surrounding anecdotes that have been told over the years. like, a couple fights. a couple things i'm not sure if i remember or if someone else mentions so it feels like i remember. but i am really bothered by not remembering. i remember friends, but almost nothing from home or school. trying to be a teacher when i can't remember my teachers. maybe this goes according to what i paid attention to. clearly, not school, even though i did good. i want to be able to go into my memory like a movie and replay it. where is my sister, lora? she's not on the tape. there's no tape! why. I guess it probably doesn't matter. no need to be dramatic here.

but i tell myself, i'm ready to watch it, so let's have it, it can't be that bad. then i wonder, maybe i just don't watch it bc it's boring and there are more interesting things happening here and now? or maybe all the stuff on the tape is sweet and happy and i'm resisting bc it will make me sad that it's over? but either way, i should be able to watch if i want to. and that fact that i can't is upsetting. i try to start with happy little scraps of the neighborhood or my room or the house or smells that bring back the exciting feeling of summer or winter... stuff like that. i can totally go there. but that's it. is that weird? or is it normal? my mom said she is the same way. but her family was really crazy. like, schizophrenia and people starting religious cults and trying to perform miracles, people locking children in closets or beating them, or trying to cast demons out of them. what was my family? just a bit tense?

in this dream i had the other night, there was a wedding, and i was going to be in it. but then i freaked out and started screaming at everyone that it was bullshit, that the bride and groom didn't love each other and they would divorce soon, and the whole thing made me sick, and i was swearing at everyone and i stomped off. everyone was mad at me, including my mom. then one of my sisters came to me with michelle and michelle said, "i don't know if it's going to work out between us," and i couldn't believe it. i just stared at her, trying to accept the fact that she didn't have my back. then i said, "alrighty then, you can both fuck off." and i was thinking, "yeah i know i have some mental problems, i really do, but i can't stand for this shit and i won't." then my sister lora came and i was laying face down on the ground and she laid down on top of me. i don't know why this meant she had my back, maybe it's a literal pun? michelle is the person i trust the most, so this dream is really weird to me.

it's funny, i have "googled" my therapist and found out she was involved in all this *false memory* controversy back in the day. it would seem i'm in a vulnerable position because i really want some memories and i want them to put my weird feelings in perspective... but honestly we don't even talk about the past at all. we just talk about girls and drugs (and my so-called career plans). we've been talking about that stuff for like eight years now. somehow, it never gets old.