this is probably the subject people would least likely want to hear about, but it's my blog and i'm obsessed. my dreams last night had several memorable elements: one is this giant bird that could talk. it was so cool. it belonged to my jr. high school teacher (possibly) but it took a real liking to me. it grabbed my ice cream cone and gobbled up some of it and then it tried to kiss/gobble up my mouth. it was funny but kind of scary too. this was in a setting among youths, like a school. to get inside you had to lay down and go under this hill/tunnel. some of the girls there were being mean to me, making fun of the way i dance and trying to play a trick on me. but then i wore this cute little dress, and they started to like me. then there was going to be a wedding, and i changed into a gorgeous, strapless, two piece, white/pink, lacy dress that rivaled the bride's dress and i worried about that. but someone said it was beautiful and i could wear it. then i needed a ride home on the bus and this had to do with mr. granberg again, and i might miss my ride. and i lost my shoes and kept forgetting things. some kids had strep throat. then i asked the teacher to use his bathroom but i couldn't pee. then i was in another bathroom and the floor started to cave in. i ran out, and saw that the bathroom was on top of an oven, and buckets of poo were pouring through the floor into/onto the oven. it was disgusting!! i ran to tell someone, and i think my dad cleaned it up.
last night, in my real life, something bad happened. i got a B on a mini-paper and on a mini-presentation. this shouldn't be a big deal. like michelle said, i am paying to learn things, not already know everything. i'm not teaching the course. it's okay to receive constructive criticism. it's hard for me though, and i find it very embarrassing. the things i did bad on the paper were careless mistakes... like grammar or whatever. for my little presentation, the professor said i could put some "pep into my step." that really hurt. i'm very nervous to talk in front of a group of people, and it felt like i talked for much longer than i really did. here, i am talkative. at home, i will often get excited about books and let it show in my affect. but in front of my peers? that's hard for me. anyways, i thought i got an easy A on both things, and i was upset to receive rubrics with all the parts circled that i didn't do well and minus marks where i failed. as michelle said, most people don't sail through grad school getting straight A's. and technically, i know it's fine. but after i got those grades, i felt really mad in class, and like i didn't even want to be a teacher anymore. like, i hate rubrics, hate homework, hate essays, hate papers, hate teachers, hate creative projects.... ugh, for me to be in charge of it all. and to make it worse, before i went to class i had glanced into the bathroom mirror at my body and i didn't like it. so when class got out, i was very upset. then i got to the train and it was leaving the station right as i got to the platform, and i had been running, taking escalator steps two at a time and such. so i started crying, like sobbing because i felt i didn't want to be a teacher anymore, and i hated my body, and i thought i was ugly, and poor, and gross, and my whole image of my perfect self was shattering around me. so i cried all the way home. i knew i was being kind of silly and i just wanted to get home to michelle.
today i'm not freaking out anymore but i still don't want to be a teacher. i don't want to be anything.
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