prongs

My aunt Mary is schizophrenic and was recently evicted from her apartment for hoarding. She’s so sweet though. She mostly talks about “changing and growing” and she sounds like an extreme version of my mother most of the time. She told me that my cousin Electra, who is technically my aunt but was raised by Aunt Mary since my uncle died of a brain aneurysm (I never knew him), was recently diagnosed as having BPD and has entered treatment, both DBT and the eye movement therapy. I thought this is interesting since Mishy was Borderline and my older sister runs DBT groups and it’s just basically all around me trying to get my attention.

I feel confused about my own sanity. On the one hand, I’m totally sane. But I feel like this – say the sane mind is like something with prongs attached to something concrete, like a rock. Well if there are eight prongs, at least three or four of mine are not attached, like they’re bent – and if many more stop gripping the rock I’m going to float off… totally free but it’s somewhat like death and I have things to do here. I have challenges and fears to face. But in so many ways, I want the whole world to open up. I want everything to stop, cataclysm, angels descend by the thousands from the sky, all the trains fly off their tracks, sanity is an enemy, a disguise, illusion. But Mishy says it’s all we have. But routine, going to work, coming home, dealing with insurance, calling a doctor, opening email, staring out the window, walking, waiting, working… ugh.

One area my unattached prongs are affecting me is with dates and appointments. There will be something important I’ve committed to and my mind will scramble the date or actual event. Like a week ago I thought I made a dermatologist appointment and planned for that all week and when I got there it was a podiatrist. And the secretary quoted me as having asked podiatrist related questions and claimed that I never said “I need to get my moles checked,” as I remembered saying on the phone. Also, last night I thought I had a test at school and it turns out class was cancelled 3/4 rather than 2/26 as I had falsely remembered, so I missed class last week for nothing. And I really care about school. Also, this happens less often because I have less friends now, but people (especially ex girlfriends) have quoted me as having said some really crazy, unbelievable things… even cruel and arrogant things... and I really, truly am shocked and have no memory of it. Some of these things I supposedly said are funny, but I can’t believe I said it. It’s really not a big deal, but it’s one more case in which my mind is hiding things from me, which is suspicious. Partly I want to go crazy just because I’m so scared of the challenges I’m facing and the imperfection and mistakes I will make (and have already made). But on the other hand, I feel like if I’m willing to make mistakes, I will suddenly be unstoppable. But at some point, I wish I could stop embarrasing myself like I did yesterday with the email I wrote to the professor about having missed class. It is truly an embarrassment to me. It made me look crazy and revealed way too much about my competitive and judgmental tendencies and may even may have sounded grandiose… ugh just general pathetic insanity… not the kind I want which entails the experience of divine ecstasy.