In Defense of Myself and The Death Drive

Apparently, according to someone who I thought was my friend, all of queer Brooklyn hates me, thinks I'm crazy, pathetic, scary, and not only all of these queers but all of their friends and their friend's friends. And this is all because I posted something on craigslist last week, addressed to two people that were defaming my character and trying to turn my "friend" against me, three years after a situation that was very horrible and hurtful for me, which resulted in me "stalking" someone. Now, I won't deny that there was a stalking element, but I truly believe this person deserved it. As I see it, the depth of the narcissistic injury I received and endured gave me license to take revenge as I saw fit. This "friend" of mine, in response to my post, took me off her myspace, says that she is basically ashamed to be my friend and can't defend me, that I'm my own worst enemy, and that I'm only hurting and embarrassing myself. I personally disagree with all those points. First of all, taking someone off myspace when you're mad at them is juvenile and I'm proud to say I haven't done that since about 2005 (except in the case of Lisa, my ex-roommate/friend who moved out last April, although she may have deleted me first). Secondly, I don't need anyone to defend me. I don't need anyone to be my friend. If someone is my friend, they will accept me as I am and not need or expect me to be like Jesus Christ when I have demonstrated many times the extent of my insanity and vindictiveness in the event of an unjust action being taken against myself or someone I love, especially an action performed heartlessly and without remorse. I feel it is my moral and personal obligation to make the perpetrator suffer in some way even if I cannot make them sorry for anything other than having met me in the first place. I know am not God, but on the other hand, I am God. If I'm not, who the fuck is? Is God going to punish people on his own? No, he allows human beings to do it. If a bunch of racist, rich assholes in wigs and toupees can punish people, so can I. And as far as me being my own worst enemy, I strongly disagree. I believe there is a proper time to fight, and I trust my instincts when assessing people and their behavior toward me. I will not turn the other cheek. I will smack you back so hard you remember to never cross me again (or my wife). And I'm talking about verbal warfare here, but if it comes to the physical I know that both me and my wife are crazy enough to step to anyone (man, woman, or any combination thereof). I have no interest in "being the bigger person." I don't feel the need to "act with grace." Fuck all that. My "friend" asked, "Do you really want someone to remember you forever by the hateful words you said?" "Yes," I replied, "Sometimes I really do." I want them to remember it the way I remember certain things that were said to me. As far as me "only hurting myself," I disagree there also. I felt much better after I posted my messages to these people. It relieved my agitation and I felt very empowered. In the case of JD and me hurting her feelings in this blog, that is different because I like and respect her and want to be her friend. As far as these other people go? I feel the opposite. I entertain no warm feelings or desires for friendship, I only feel the urge to wound them as I was wounded, and to show them that you can't just bury a crime (which I feel was committed against myself), you have to be prepared for the payback. Michelle says some of my ideas reveal a certain grandiosity and that may be true. Sometimes I remind myself of my mother's mother, who was excommunicated from several churches for starting cults and preaching her own ideas and trying to perform miracles and heal people, and who was also prone to fits of rage. I have a memory of her - this large woman in a floral dress and polyester pants underneath, heaving large bags of potatoes onto our porch and yelling at my parents. My grandparents didn't even attend my parent's wedding because they were fighting with the pastor of that particular church. Actually she died of breast cancer after refusing medical treatment for four years because she believed that God would heal her. (I loved Grammie). But I'm not that crazy. And I like myself! And someone who feels that they "can't defend me" and are ashamed to be my friend and feel "scared of me" is not a real friend. All I wanted was to be granted my humanity (with regards to the events that happened years ago), to have it acknowledged that all intimate encounters are complicated especially when they involve intense, complicated people, that this was a friendship rather than an exclusively sexual relationship, and that I had feelings that were disregarded and not even allowed to exist when the affair reached its end. Those feelings are still negated and a different story is spread around Brooklyn, but I'm not allowed to fight back at these ignorant gossip spreaders? Fuck that. But they will never grant me my humanity or look at the affair in any other way. They will always judge me, simplify me, laugh at me and talk shit about me. And I have accepted this but that doesn't mean I can't get upset and try to even the score when I hear they're still talking and trying to turn my "friend" against me (and when my "friend" joins them and judges me also). So I called this tall bitch a "she-male" (on craigslist), so what? She can handle it. My "friend" says I have no empathy, and no, in this situation I don't have any empathy. Why should I? This girl called me a manipulative sociopath and threatened to beat me up a couple years ago! Now I certainly didn't appreciate being misdiagnosed, and the behavior pertaining to myself that she objected to was none of her business not to mention she didn't understand the first thing about it, and finally, her uber-confidence and carelessness in picking a fight with me betrayed a selfish simplicity of character so that she deserved a smack down, even years after the fact. As they say, revenge is a dish best served cold. I personally think my "friend" likes her and that's why she turned on me in favor of her. That's fine. Whenever I am given the choice between speaking out and making or keeping friends, you know what I choose. My "friend" says I'll end up alone, and maybe I will, but I don't think so. I think I will have a small group of friends who don't pee their pants every time they hear my version of the truth.