Last night I had a dream about Terry. We were in a social group and my sisters were there. Like other versions of this dream, we were just chatting and flirting, but this dream was longer and more elaborate. Many parts are lost, but I remember telling her that I wasn’t singing anymore, and asking when Triple Crème was playing next. I think we were kissing, and later I realized I was dating Michelle, and that Terry was still dating Mari. I decided not to tell Michelle about the kissing because I knew it was a contained event and I wanted to be with Mishy and T belonged with Mari. Then I was with my sisters, and both of my younger sisters said that they had crushes on Terry too, and they thought she liked them also. I was jealous, but I realized it was possible, but I was very angry too. I remember looking closely at Joanna and seeing her voluptuousness and femininity and realizing Terry would like that. My mom was there too and we were in a car.
I woke up on Saturday feeling wrath, aggression, ready for combat, ready for war, irritable, horrible. It hasn’t fully gone away yet, despite my having unleashed it on several people already. I need to do anger. Sometimes it is dormant for a long time. It has really only come up with Michelle when her drug-related behavior (even just pills and alcohol) feels scary and out of control to me. I think Michelle’s anger is actually way stronger and deeper than mine. She won’t go there either, but she won’t abandon me. It’s not a good idea to go there. Why do I want to? Why do I need to? I wanted to break everything in the apartment last night especially since Michelle hurt me by telling me her ex girlfriend questioned whether she were happy with me as if I’m not good enough to her. Oh! I’m possibly supposed to work this out in therapy? How long will it take? I wish I had time to take some martial arts classes and probably yoga would help too. The weed helps, but I can’t afford it right now and have no reliable connection.
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