Helper (help her)

I no longer feel functional and I am getting psychiatric help. This chronic stomach ache, waking up at 5am after staying up till 2am being unable to stop thinking about school or relax, the fluctuations between super excitement and exhaustion/tears, basically I want some Ativan. I don’t just want the scraps of Klonopin that Mishy has shared with me, although it is very generous of her, I want my own. I really need to be successful in school and to become a teacher. I DON’T need any more low-grade, head spinning, paranoia inducing, tired weed that makes it all seem impossible. At night my anxiety stands up to Trazadone, Melatonin, Lunesta, or anything besides Seroquil like a skinny punk knocking out some champion boxer. AAAhh!! I am making a choice to calm down, right now. Awareness and consciousness do make choices possible… this we discussed in class. But I am becoming aware of too much and feeling too much. My brain is a computer that has some wires crossed and they’re burning holes through the system. But the holes are in my stomach and coffee makes it worse. I want to be the best!!! The greatest! I feel like the worst. Human beings can adjust and adapt to anything… I am a worker. I think about my old feminine disguise and the new disguise. Style is fun. What is the essence? You can’t see it. I am overwhelmed because there’s no way to know everyone and everything. Movies are comforting because they contain it and focus the mind on one or two people and problems that can be resolved. My favorite defense is projection. That much I have made clear. I also live in a fantasy world, but I am starting to feel love for everyone. It is this love that is agitating me so much and keeping me awake… does that make any sense?