What's the point?

I definitely have a bad case of "what's the points" today. What is the point of going to practice? I don't feel like it. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to do any more shows, it's pointless. No one comes except the most important person in my life, but now it's been enough, better to end now before the hating begins. We will definitely have to discuss this at practice. It can't go on like this, I think we all feel it. It's depressing, humiliating, a waste of time to play for an empty room. Something has to change. We should just work privately on material and record it and do an occasional show or something, but not two per month like this summer. This is going nowhere. It's raining, I just want to be at home with my baby. I'm so over this job, but I can't quit. I want a new life. I want to be a teacher. I want to start doing that. I want an apartment with M. I'm so bored right now, feel that life is short, want to fast forward to the good stuff. Wish it was 2009. Hopefully my band won't do any more shows for a while, hopefully somebody will quit and there won't be anything I can do about it. Won't I be somewhat depressed if that happens though? I need a new journal. I feel like a bad family member because I didn't call anyone this week. I want a house with M, with cats and just doing chores and fun things now and then, like painting the walls or going to the beach. I just want us to have a nice life together, have some friends who come over to dinner, go home together when we go out, have her waiting at home when I get a cavity filled. Is it weird that the dentist office I went to yesterday is called A-Z Dental and the man fixing the apartment door had a van saying A-Z Doors? My whole face feels different since they fixed my tooth yesterday. My jaw isn't clicking and I woke up during the night feeling this open space feeling there where before was exhausted from the constant grinding. However, the haircut I gave myself looks horrible. I have no patience for it anymore. I can't stick to a system of rows or anything for making it even, I just cut pieces off wherever and quickly to get it over with. That's exactly how it looks too. I want to be a teacher with a nice haircut and lunch from leftovers that my wife put in the tupperware for me. What about when one of us dies? The Year Of Magical thinking, a play that we saw on Saturday, made the reality of this question loom darkly. I will feel better once we have a home together. Then I can keep my eye on her and feel somewhat in control of that. Today I ran out of time for making any sandwich so I'll go to Bella Stella and must get a large diet coke too because I need caffeine, I smoked this morning. It's interesting that although I never could picture marriage for myself, now everything depends on it... the dream contains everything. In the dentist office there was a picture of a house in the country covered in flowers and with shutters and everything, I kept picturing Mk and myself in white old fashioned dresses or hanging laundry or doing gardening, and sleeping in a canopied bed and having a barn with chickens for eggs but not to kill, and all this several hundred years ago when so many animals were not extinct yet. I don't like this century or living in a city. Imagine MK baking in the kitchen with her hair in a bun! Imagine me riding a horse in the woods, or riding horses together! I want to live the farm life. I want to go to a village dance and smell fires burning. I want to see stars. Pollution and extinction are irreversible. When we die I need to be reborn with her and I want to go backwards in time, and only forwards if everything will eventually come back to life.