I just got a message from Mark that the asshole Brian will not be at practice tonight. Let me make one thing clear, if I were my old self I would quit this fucking band in a heartbeat right now. I would say, hey, fuck you! And that would be it. However, past experience has taught me that quitting causes severe ennui. Admitting the end when it’s really the end is something else altogether, and the right thing to do at that point is say goodbye kindly and decisively. I feel very fatalistic and apprehensive about the whole thing though. Thank god Brian can’t come tonight and we don’t have to play the fucking set-list or anything like that. There is a slight possibility that this conflict will deepen our relationship and we will move forward based on efforts that have hitherto remained un-blossoming seeds. On the other hand, much of what Brian said during his hateful, drunken speech is true. Bill really can’t play bass very well. After a while, he comes up with good parts, but his sense of rhythm is very weird and he plays around with it like a guitar, because he was a guitar player and just started playing bass a year ago, but still maybe some people could get the concept by now and he seems to resist, and I understand why this is frustrating to a drummer, but if Brian is going to quit then just quit, don’t rage behind the back… I don’t know. Of course what he said about me is true also. Is it? I can’t tell. I think it’s true though: I’m controlled and boring. But I don’t think he gets any of the subtlety of what I try to do (with lyrics and notes), he’s looking for some drugged up bitch in a costume to go wild on stage, and I can’t do that. But in some ways, everything he said is bullshit because his main point was that he wants more success in the band and “we” should do “whatever it takes” – meaning Bill should learn how to play bass and I should be wilder or something and also we should go to all these parties and/or shows and promote, when HE can’t even make it to practice half the time, he fucks up every song, he’s drunk and high every day, he never brings anyone to shows besides his saint of a girlfriend. Ah whatever, fuck him.
So, Michelle and I saw a meaty surprise on Saturday evening, on the train. The gentleman was in the T seat next to Mk and when I looked past her out of the corner of my eye I noticed the tip poking out from the cut-off shorts that were very short. I laughed loudly and Michelle got to check it out too, the little pink, meaty tip poking out. It was pretty gross.
I am so depressed by my job today but why should I write and talk about it when I won’t do anything about it? Hopefully inside I am slowly shifting toward making some big strides. I have been looking some things up online about classes for education. But my problem is: what if I take all the classes, obtain a masters degree in education, and am still terrified and overwhelmed by lesson planning? If ONLY someone would hand me a year’s worth of lesson plans and I had no choice but to teach it or only slightly improvise and then I would only have to stress over actually teaching them in the real live classroom, then… I could do it? My mom told me that my baby sister is working with junior high girls and they are black city girls and my sister will be a math teacher this fall. I’m so jealous!! Major, major frowns coming from me. Why can she do it and I can’t?? But they tell math teachers what to teach! Mine is so open ended. When I got my social studies teacher job in co-op city, it was totally up to me to plan for the year, and not in advance but as I went. Come on! I can’t handle that stress!! But god, I know I’m smarter than all these people becoming teachers, including my goddamn sister! Kids love me! When I was a camp counselor, they all wanted me to be their “mommy!” Plus I think of all the teachers I had, idiots! Bad breath, stupid, unorganized, boring… I could at least do that! Why won’t I let myself try? If only they would tell me the lesson plans! At what point in graduate school will they tell us what to teach? I don’t want them to just hand me the standards and say, “make your own lesson plans.” Why is this easy for people, including my sister?
Because of my weakness/laziness/stupidity, I work here. I’m starting to see that businesses run by the Hassids are shabby in general. Behind me, a whole row of plants that have been slowly dying since I started working here because no one waters them and the plant lady quit or never came back and they never replaced her. Why don’t I water them? I can’t remember to do it. I hate it though. A thick layer of dust covers everything. They exert great energy to save pennies by refusing to pay things like late fees on fed ex bills and not hiring people to clean the bathroom or replace broken things that just sit there and you have to make do. The lighting is dim and florescent, no windows, stains all over the gray carpet, pictures in frames that don’t match (pictures of the company owners schmoozing with Israeli political leaders). Why even describe? It’s just drab and ugly, that’s all you need to know. Everyone here is depressed and simply moving paper around for one reason or another with no real goals or motivation. I want more! How can I make it happen? What’s the next step? I’ve been looking up classes at Hunter. I could take one class at a time, maybe. But is the band going to be taking up my time or isn’t it? And if it isn’t, will I be doing anything with singing or music?
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