Depressy

Last night practice was horrible. I don't even know what happened. All I know is at the end after Bill left, Brian started screaming about how he sucks and he can't stand playing with him anymore. Then he basically said I suck too, that we hold back, that's why we're not getting anywhere, I just do the same thing, Bill can't play, it's not good enough basically for him but it's mostly all Bill's fault, these shitty shows with no one there, and he said I was barely trying last night but I was overwhelmed with the noise because it wasn't inspiring me and when I like a part I do sing over it, whatever now all my feelings about all of it are bad, and I never ever ever want to go back or see any of those assholes again. I see that it can't go anywhere, so why do we have to talk about it? I feel very, very gross today. I feel ashamed again. After all that encouragment MK gave me I had started to like myself and what I do and enjoy sharing my creativity, but now I hate it again. I hate them. I don't want to hang out with them and try to go to stupid parties and hand out fliers or CDs. I want it to be over! So then today I tried to look up some things on becoming a teacher and find out about some of the masters programs, if any of the schools offer health insurance if you go part time. Everything seems so hard! Nothing seems possible! I hate it here today. I hate my stupid fucking life. It's wasting away, what a huge waste, I can't deal with any of this. What am I supposed to do with myself? In this gray, bullshit office doing nothing! I have to pay rent though and have health insurance. What should I do?? I don't want to quit the band just because someone criticized me, which is what I usually do when my feelers are hurt, but I don't want to be a part of something no one will ever come to and then people start turning on each other. I need to be supported, I can't have people unhappy with me and thinking bad things about me. I'm so upset today. I have no love for any part of my independent life. What a failure I am. I can't even become a fucking teacher which every other regular person seems to be able to do. I'll never have anything, never grow up, and lose my mind in this building or at home once I can't stand coming so much I have to just stay at home. How did the future look brighter at other moments? I can only think of one good thing, and that's MK.