My True Personality

I just want it to be known that I think I am much nicer and sweeter in real life than it seems in this blog. I write when I'm at work, which is when I get in a bad mood, and I state things harshly. For instance, I love my parents. And I do not hate all old people. Sometimes I see my own words and behavior in the harshest light, somebody who is not loving like me.

weakness/laziness/stupidity

I just got a message from Mark that the asshole Brian will not be at practice tonight. Let me make one thing clear, if I were my old self I would quit this fucking band in a heartbeat right now. I would say, hey, fuck you! And that would be it. However, past experience has taught me that quitting causes severe ennui. Admitting the end when it’s really the end is something else altogether, and the right thing to do at that point is say goodbye kindly and decisively. I feel very fatalistic and apprehensive about the whole thing though. Thank god Brian can’t come tonight and we don’t have to play the fucking set-list or anything like that. There is a slight possibility that this conflict will deepen our relationship and we will move forward based on efforts that have hitherto remained un-blossoming seeds. On the other hand, much of what Brian said during his hateful, drunken speech is true. Bill really can’t play bass very well. After a while, he comes up with good parts, but his sense of rhythm is very weird and he plays around with it like a guitar, because he was a guitar player and just started playing bass a year ago, but still maybe some people could get the concept by now and he seems to resist, and I understand why this is frustrating to a drummer, but if Brian is going to quit then just quit, don’t rage behind the back… I don’t know. Of course what he said about me is true also. Is it? I can’t tell. I think it’s true though: I’m controlled and boring. But I don’t think he gets any of the subtlety of what I try to do (with lyrics and notes), he’s looking for some drugged up bitch in a costume to go wild on stage, and I can’t do that. But in some ways, everything he said is bullshit because his main point was that he wants more success in the band and “we” should do “whatever it takes” – meaning Bill should learn how to play bass and I should be wilder or something and also we should go to all these parties and/or shows and promote, when HE can’t even make it to practice half the time, he fucks up every song, he’s drunk and high every day, he never brings anyone to shows besides his saint of a girlfriend. Ah whatever, fuck him.

So, Michelle and I saw a meaty surprise on Saturday evening, on the train. The gentleman was in the T seat next to Mk and when I looked past her out of the corner of my eye I noticed the tip poking out from the cut-off shorts that were very short. I laughed loudly and Michelle got to check it out too, the little pink, meaty tip poking out. It was pretty gross.

I am so depressed by my job today but why should I write and talk about it when I won’t do anything about it? Hopefully inside I am slowly shifting toward making some big strides. I have been looking some things up online about classes for education. But my problem is: what if I take all the classes, obtain a masters degree in education, and am still terrified and overwhelmed by lesson planning? If ONLY someone would hand me a year’s worth of lesson plans and I had no choice but to teach it or only slightly improvise and then I would only have to stress over actually teaching them in the real live classroom, then… I could do it? My mom told me that my baby sister is working with junior high girls and they are black city girls and my sister will be a math teacher this fall. I’m so jealous!! Major, major frowns coming from me. Why can she do it and I can’t?? But they tell math teachers what to teach! Mine is so open ended. When I got my social studies teacher job in co-op city, it was totally up to me to plan for the year, and not in advance but as I went. Come on! I can’t handle that stress!! But god, I know I’m smarter than all these people becoming teachers, including my goddamn sister! Kids love me! When I was a camp counselor, they all wanted me to be their “mommy!” Plus I think of all the teachers I had, idiots! Bad breath, stupid, unorganized, boring… I could at least do that! Why won’t I let myself try? If only they would tell me the lesson plans! At what point in graduate school will they tell us what to teach? I don’t want them to just hand me the standards and say, “make your own lesson plans.” Why is this easy for people, including my sister?

Because of my weakness/laziness/stupidity, I work here. I’m starting to see that businesses run by the Hassids are shabby in general. Behind me, a whole row of plants that have been slowly dying since I started working here because no one waters them and the plant lady quit or never came back and they never replaced her. Why don’t I water them? I can’t remember to do it. I hate it though. A thick layer of dust covers everything. They exert great energy to save pennies by refusing to pay things like late fees on fed ex bills and not hiring people to clean the bathroom or replace broken things that just sit there and you have to make do. The lighting is dim and florescent, no windows, stains all over the gray carpet, pictures in frames that don’t match (pictures of the company owners schmoozing with Israeli political leaders). Why even describe? It’s just drab and ugly, that’s all you need to know. Everyone here is depressed and simply moving paper around for one reason or another with no real goals or motivation. I want more! How can I make it happen? What’s the next step? I’ve been looking up classes at Hunter. I could take one class at a time, maybe. But is the band going to be taking up my time or isn’t it? And if it isn’t, will I be doing anything with singing or music?

orb

I see you as a bright light
See it all, your one short life
Want to live under it alright

Depressy

Last night practice was horrible. I don't even know what happened. All I know is at the end after Bill left, Brian started screaming about how he sucks and he can't stand playing with him anymore. Then he basically said I suck too, that we hold back, that's why we're not getting anywhere, I just do the same thing, Bill can't play, it's not good enough basically for him but it's mostly all Bill's fault, these shitty shows with no one there, and he said I was barely trying last night but I was overwhelmed with the noise because it wasn't inspiring me and when I like a part I do sing over it, whatever now all my feelings about all of it are bad, and I never ever ever want to go back or see any of those assholes again. I see that it can't go anywhere, so why do we have to talk about it? I feel very, very gross today. I feel ashamed again. After all that encouragment MK gave me I had started to like myself and what I do and enjoy sharing my creativity, but now I hate it again. I hate them. I don't want to hang out with them and try to go to stupid parties and hand out fliers or CDs. I want it to be over! So then today I tried to look up some things on becoming a teacher and find out about some of the masters programs, if any of the schools offer health insurance if you go part time. Everything seems so hard! Nothing seems possible! I hate it here today. I hate my stupid fucking life. It's wasting away, what a huge waste, I can't deal with any of this. What am I supposed to do with myself? In this gray, bullshit office doing nothing! I have to pay rent though and have health insurance. What should I do?? I don't want to quit the band just because someone criticized me, which is what I usually do when my feelers are hurt, but I don't want to be a part of something no one will ever come to and then people start turning on each other. I need to be supported, I can't have people unhappy with me and thinking bad things about me. I'm so upset today. I have no love for any part of my independent life. What a failure I am. I can't even become a fucking teacher which every other regular person seems to be able to do. I'll never have anything, never grow up, and lose my mind in this building or at home once I can't stand coming so much I have to just stay at home. How did the future look brighter at other moments? I can only think of one good thing, and that's MK.

What's the point?

I definitely have a bad case of "what's the points" today. What is the point of going to practice? I don't feel like it. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to do any more shows, it's pointless. No one comes except the most important person in my life, but now it's been enough, better to end now before the hating begins. We will definitely have to discuss this at practice. It can't go on like this, I think we all feel it. It's depressing, humiliating, a waste of time to play for an empty room. Something has to change. We should just work privately on material and record it and do an occasional show or something, but not two per month like this summer. This is going nowhere. It's raining, I just want to be at home with my baby. I'm so over this job, but I can't quit. I want a new life. I want to be a teacher. I want to start doing that. I want an apartment with M. I'm so bored right now, feel that life is short, want to fast forward to the good stuff. Wish it was 2009. Hopefully my band won't do any more shows for a while, hopefully somebody will quit and there won't be anything I can do about it. Won't I be somewhat depressed if that happens though? I need a new journal. I feel like a bad family member because I didn't call anyone this week. I want a house with M, with cats and just doing chores and fun things now and then, like painting the walls or going to the beach. I just want us to have a nice life together, have some friends who come over to dinner, go home together when we go out, have her waiting at home when I get a cavity filled. Is it weird that the dentist office I went to yesterday is called A-Z Dental and the man fixing the apartment door had a van saying A-Z Doors? My whole face feels different since they fixed my tooth yesterday. My jaw isn't clicking and I woke up during the night feeling this open space feeling there where before was exhausted from the constant grinding. However, the haircut I gave myself looks horrible. I have no patience for it anymore. I can't stick to a system of rows or anything for making it even, I just cut pieces off wherever and quickly to get it over with. That's exactly how it looks too. I want to be a teacher with a nice haircut and lunch from leftovers that my wife put in the tupperware for me. What about when one of us dies? The Year Of Magical thinking, a play that we saw on Saturday, made the reality of this question loom darkly. I will feel better once we have a home together. Then I can keep my eye on her and feel somewhat in control of that. Today I ran out of time for making any sandwich so I'll go to Bella Stella and must get a large diet coke too because I need caffeine, I smoked this morning. It's interesting that although I never could picture marriage for myself, now everything depends on it... the dream contains everything. In the dentist office there was a picture of a house in the country covered in flowers and with shutters and everything, I kept picturing Mk and myself in white old fashioned dresses or hanging laundry or doing gardening, and sleeping in a canopied bed and having a barn with chickens for eggs but not to kill, and all this several hundred years ago when so many animals were not extinct yet. I don't like this century or living in a city. Imagine MK baking in the kitchen with her hair in a bun! Imagine me riding a horse in the woods, or riding horses together! I want to live the farm life. I want to go to a village dance and smell fires burning. I want to see stars. Pollution and extinction are irreversible. When we die I need to be reborn with her and I want to go backwards in time, and only forwards if everything will eventually come back to life.

blood sisters 4 life

Will the train ever come?

Trash

Last night we played at Trash bar in Williamsburg, and although we played well, only our girlfriends listened. When we first got there the room was full and I was surprised and excited to play for strangers. Then the other band called Deathface, which was not heavy metal as you might guess but a regular rock band who were okay, they were fine, and they packed that room - anyways they finished and EVERYONE left, except our girlfriends and four or five people at the bar, who didn't really pay attention. The band that would play after us arrived in the middle but didn't listen. I know because I usually watch everyone in the audience. I do not look at the floor or the ceiling but right out at people. It was so sad to see everyone leaving while we were setting up! Well, I don't help set up. I sit on Michelle's lap and she tells me wonderful things in my ear about how cute and talented I supposedly am, haha. I am so glad she came, despite being on day one of the flow again, just like at the last show! This was the worst attended show we've ever played. It was also perhaps the best sounding show we ever played. I tried to maintain a sense of humor and actually I felt way more positive than I did after playing at Otto's in that bright ass room with my friends so visible to me, way too intimate, way nerve-wracking. Last night, the guys in my band said from now on we're only playing on weekends, so I have to cancel the upcoming Tuesday night at FB. My friend offered me a midnight spot there, acting like it was the best one, although we declined and asked for the 10 o'clock, which he gave us, but now we don't want that either. It's funny how the "best" band is supposed to go last, but both times recently, there were even less people for the band after us. Last night the "main show" had two people in there. We certainly didn't stay since they didn't even pay attention to us. Anyways I heard them when I was in the bathroom and it sounded boring, and they were blasting it. Mark was very depressed when going home. I wasn't very, because I was still proud of not fucking up the two new songs and not being nervous (well what's to be nervous of with no audience?) but mostly because my baby was so supportive and flattering.

non-consentual makeover

I'm tired today. Last night in practice my new favorite song got a chorus makeover that made my part sound strange, new drum and bass parts. They sound good, but I liked the old way better. It made me feel depressed. We're supposed to play this song on Thursday and I no longer feel confident of my part.

All the tiny people in there

Free from sin

Tati

Associating food with love

Team in the kitchen

Music is not for making money

Last night we watched the fireworks on TV. What a perfectly horrible and fitting way for America to celebrate what she's all about: waste a lot of money, blow some shit up, and harm the environment, meanwhile huge crowds of simple-brained crowds (holding all those terrifying minature flags, singing the anthem, and pledging allegiance to capitalism) go ooh and aah. And even more perfect, we watch it on TV. Sometimes I become anxious about TV watching in general. How weird is it for a group of people to just sit around staring at a screen? Of course, we weren't really watching, we were playing cards and listening to music, which I think is a great way to spend an evening. I really like cards.

The band: it just occured to me today that probably even less people will be at our next show. I can't get all my friends to come every time, and I can't ask people I don't know. I wish by some crazy miracle they would just be there, twenty people and I'd be happy. Or would I??? No, I would not because I'm never happy and nothing will ever be good enough for me if it involves something I did.

No sidewalks

Last night Dead Muse had a very good rehearsal, and due to having written 2-3 new songs that I like very much, I am once again feeling positive and hopeful about our future as a band and my small successes as a singer and writer. I also have positive feelings about having secured myself another increase in salary at my job that has allowed me to purchase health insurance for the first time in over four years. Unfortunately or fortunately, having a rush of positive feelings about music pushes my career crisis to a back burner for now. We have two shows lined up right now and I hope the second one will be a better attended event than the last couple shows, because it's on a Saturday evening and will be located close to the PS1 party and will be free and have three dollar beers. Anyways, on the way home last night I wanted to cry because I realized one major reason I have stalled so much on becoming an English teacher is because my primary dream has always been to be a singer and although I realize it's stupid and I do realize the realities about being able to support yourself that way and the fact that I'm reclusive, self deprecating, and non aggressive in the pursuit of musical success, I can't give up my dream! Don't laugh at me, Michelle. I will still be setting career deadlines for pursuing the teaching goal, and I do really want to become a teacher and will become one eventually. But I feel that the creative chemistry and progress of songwriting in Dead Muse is unusual and special. It takes us about three hours to write a whole new song and every song we write seems to be better than the last ones. Hopefully we can play all the new material for the July show. This is not to say that I can't be in a band and pursue a teaching career! But I'm not sure if I can. I guess I'll have to try. Hopefully I'll be a real teacher by the time I'm 35 years old. That probably seems very old to Michelle. It doesn't seem old to me, but a lot happens in a year, much less five years. Okay, I'm not thirty yet. I've started to identify that way though for some reason. I'm just rounding up in order to get used to it now. Anyways, here are the lyrics to one of the new songs, although I've noticed that reading them rather than hearing with the melody sometimes makes the lyrics sound trite or cheesy. In terms of lyrics and melody, I currently consider Cat Power my greatest influence, although I am extremely moved by the vocals in Sleater-Kinney also and have been trying to simplify my lines in that way. When we write songs and are all coming up with parts, it feels to me like the best possible melodies exist already and I just have to locate them. If I do something less than, it sounds awkward to me and I am unsatisfied and keep revising until it feels perfect. This song is called, No Sidewalks:

Perfection, I believe in / Perfection, take my dreams / Perfection, Yes I live for / Perfection, you own me / And if the day comes / I can admit the bad / And still get out of bed / I won't hurt myself again / Perfection, when did we meet / Perfection recognize me / Perfection I'm unhappy / Perfection, ruining things / And if the day comes / I can admit the bad / And still get out of bed / I won't hurt myself again

No one can be all things / No one can see it all / Well I tried your face on, took it off / I moved here and found this out / No sidewalks / No alleys / No trees / No old ladies / What do you want to see in heaven? / Why do you think we're in hell? / You and me, we got a house / You and me, we got a home / You and me, we got a yard / And everyone leaves us alone

IN ADDITION to that song, last night I finished lyrics for the "A Dick Shin" song, aka "Picture." Here they are:

I get chills when I think about this / Everything so pointless / I don't know about you, but I'm heartless / Crying in the bathroom / Hiding with the radio / Eyes on the ground / I keep my head down and I find it / Picture, picture, picture me / Fighting with the enemy / All alone so tell me now / How without I can be free / I feel real when I tell on myself / But you know I can't help / When I see my friend, gonna be hell / Crying in the bathroom / Hiding with the radio / Eyes on the ground / I keep my head down and I find it