Both black and white are smokin' crack tonight

Last night both Mishy and I had dreams that included cameos by dead artists. Mishy says she had a dream with Tupac in it and my dream featured Kurt. Well, I was in this strange and beautiful version of my old college campus that I frequently go to in dreams. I was in a gift shop that was also a class, and there was an older woman/professor I wanted to meet or impress. Then I also realized Kurt was there. Then I left the store and was so happy I started running and I was wearing a backpack. I was running down a dirt path and there were trees and fields around me. At one point in the dream I pondered changing my "profile" to bisexual, to which Mishy said "ew" when I told her. Don't worry Mich I could never fuck a man in a million years! It simply couldn't happen. Not even any famous artist or rockstar, dead or alive. I wonder why we both had dreams about dead artists? I wonder if they are actually drug dreams. Afterall, she has had that "Changes" Tupac line (see the Title) in her head lately, and I'm pretty sure that in her mind he's connected to the ex with the Tupac tattoo, which is also a drug connection. And obviously Cobain could represent drugs, among other destructive things. Yesterday I wrote a blog about both how depressed I was feeling (nothing new) and how I occasionally (every afternoon) wish I never told Mishy about the mini-abuse I committed, so that I would not be accountable, even though it felt so good to open the communication. She even counted the pills in the bottle, we couldn't believe that! Then my blog deleted itself, and I figured it was just as well because it seems best for my love if she has to think about drugs as little as possible, so I don't want to bring anything up. But here I am, writing again, because I'm thinking about the dreams and I'm in the office where I always have nothing to do but think about depressing things, like how to make something of myself and my life when all I want to do is hide. That's better than saying all I want to do is die (and be remembered), which is no longer true. I like being alive since I like myself now since Mishy likes me whereas before I really thought I was disgusting! Of course, we're all bad people. But I am a sweet girl really and I can't even explain how much I love being a good, sweet girl now. I always was though. Anyways, all I can do is pray about my future because I really don't know how to proceed! Life here in the office just took a small step up though since I figured out how to circumnavigate the firewall and logged onto both myspace and friendster!! The access is somewhat limited, but I was definitely in there. It's not relaxing though, I'm afraid of getting caught. I mostly stick to emailing to pass the time. Tonight I have a therapy session, and I don't want to go, although I never do when it comes down to it. All she wants to do is tell me to stop smoking weed when I already know it's shit. What I need to know is how to proceed with my career...but I won't start on this subject, because I can only pray about it, because no matter how much or how hard I think about it, I don't know what the fuck to do.