tit for tat and my great plans

Yesterday while walking to therapy I was waiting to cross the street at 6th avenue and 23rd street and I accidentally stepped, very lightly, on the heel of the man in front of me. I had headphones on but I know that I said "sorry" loud enough for him to hear me. Anyways, that fucker followed me across the street and as I stepped onto the opposite curb stepped on my heel so hard! I turned around and there he is, saying "sorry." Isn't that crazy? I thought it was funny but it also made me angry, especially because I was very hungry.

In therapy I decided I need to start looking for a new job. There are many things I like about this job, but I need to get one that has an affordable health insurance plan. My foot problem is not going away, even though I prayed for it to go away. Every single second that I'm walking I'm thinking about my foot, knee, and hip. I'm trying to walk balanced so that the hip and knee don't hurt, but then I'm putting pressure on the foot, and it feels like it might explode sometimes. I don't think it's mental anymore. It has gotten much worse from living in NYC because I walk everywhere. In college I could still go running, wear regular shoes, and it only acted up a few times a year. Now it is a constant pain and stress. So, I probably will need surgery. Having no health insurance makes that impossible. The company I work for now has a plan requiring the employee to contribute 300 per month, which I definitely can't afford, unless I stop paying my school loans, toss my phone and quit therapy, or some other impossible combination of sacrifices. Plus the deductibles are high, so I would also have to contribute more than 250 if I actually got treated for something serious. I haven't had health insurance in over four years, although I had at least one physical and saw a Korean doctor in Queens for the acid reflux/ulcer/whatever the hell that was.

So last night I forced myself to look at my most recent resume, which is from August 2005. I made a couple cosmetic changes and found the whole process very empowering. Now I have to start "seeing what's out there," which is my therapists favorite expression, but I have to really do it. Then I have to buy an interview outfit. This idea is extremely repugnant to me. I feel like such a fake, gross, tacky piece of shit wearing the interview outfit, especially with dress shoes. Then if I get a job, I have to buy more clothes, because I only have jeans and T shirts, and not very many of those either.

This is all to say, I'm moving forward! One little cosmetic change to my resume at a time, one pair of dress pants at a time, one date with Mishy at a time.