The piggy

Last night I dreamed there was a mama pig-cat and two baby piggy-kitties. One of the babies was a runt and one was healthy. I picked up the runt and held it to it's mother's mouth so she could nurse it or feed it. But she crunched him! My hand was in her mouth too with the piggy-kitty's head! I heard him squeeling and crying and the mama was eating him and killing him. I stuffed him in harder then, hoping his death would be faster and less painful. Very sad dream.

The apartment situation is settled for now. After going back and forth several times, my current roommate (Tam) has decided to stay. This is a great relief since I have less time than usual this month to interview prospective roommates. Having my home life unsettled is very difficult for me and gives me very loose and frequent bowel movements. Since hearing that she will stay, my stomach has settled significantly and the fatigue I feel no longer has that sickening edge. I am tired because I had a show last night at Otto’s Shrunken Head. I feel that my performance was detached, boring, uninspired or inspiring, and during it I felt sorry for the audience (my friends) and for myself and for Michelle and really this all proceeded from a feeling of nervousness and depression that had persecuted me all day combined with the extremely intimate setup and atmosphere of the room. I thought the management was going to be upset that we brought under ten people, and I felt better once a few more people showed up. But I did my part as usual I brought the most people! I couldn’t believe this girl showed up who came to see my apartment last week and expressed (what I thought was superficial) interest. She is from Korea and her English is very soft and sometimes difficult to understand. She used the drink ticket I gave her and left after two songs though. Certainly, quality is more important than quantity, and in some ways I would be happy to just perform for our girlfriends. Michelle’s opinion and experience matters the most to me. Unfortunately, she was suffering throughout the evening with severe menstrual cramps. I also think I am starting to pms since yesterday I felt more unstable than usual. Here is an excerpt from my real diary:

“I feel Tam is trying to take advantage of me now and putting me in a stressful position. I wish I could just live with Mishy – why am I so afraid, why did it upset me? I hate myself!! I hate the apartment and I hate everything! I need Michelle badly right now, but I’m always going to need her, it’s one fucking thing after the next – And I have a show tonight. I’m not excited about it. I hate everything. Feel upset! Nothing is settled … nothing is.”

Mishy said the show was objectively decent, including my performance, and she said that the volume of Mark’s guitar is annoying. Everyone says that. But you cannot reason with him! He pretends he doesn’t understand, blatantly lies about being unable to turn down for this or that reason, becomes emotionally volatile, or changes the subject… I mean, even when we are all three saying that it’s too loud in practice, he will not turn down. If anything, he turns me up. For one thing, he’s probably a little deaf by now. And the other thing is that it’s his band and that’s how he likes it. It’s his band because he puts the most energy into it, and the most money and time. On the other hand, he should get a fucking clue because nobody wants to hear it like that. Everyone complains behind his back. What can I do??? In some ways I am used to it. But Michelle’s comment last night made me feel I have to do something about it. I told him on Monday I’m not the fucking Orphan Annie and I’m not going belt every song. Every song is not a screamer. He’s playing melody lines in my range at a volume I can’t compete with. If there is a give and take, I can alternate with his lines, but if they are constant, like our new jam, I’m fucked and it’s depressing to try to compete with him. Apparently he was annoyed the other night when someone yelled out “the singer is the best” and took it as if I was the best “in the band.” That’s so stupid, there is no comparison among people playing different instruments versus singing. He should have just taken it as a good sign, and as a sign to turn down instead of drowning everyone else out for once. Anyways, I guess the management was not mad at us for not packing the house on a Tuesday night, but was happy with us because the booker came to me and expressed a very positive reaction to the music and said he would like us to come back soon and on the regular possibly. It was a Goth / death rock / furry cuffs and spiky bracelets party. We don’t look like we fit in that scene, but our music is somewhat “grim,” as Michelle’s mother said.

The final thing I have to say is, I’m looking forward to watching the Sopranos tonight. I am on episode four of season one, ha. I’m way behind. It’s funny how people can discover things that are good or great at different moments in time. Last night this drunk and annoyingly friendly guy named Otto was upset that I never heard of the band Television. As some people get older, they expect younger people to know everything they know, but the younger people have to take the initiative to know it unlike when the good thing was new and blowing up. This doesn’t exactly apply to my discovery of the Sopranos, which is more famous now that ever before, but to a lot of other things.