what defeats people

apparently there is a conspiracy out there that every train i wait for should be delayed or somehow fucked up. i can't remember the last time i was going to or fro anywhere and just arrived at the station, caught my train, transfered here or there, caught the next one, no. it always involves panic and me muttering to myself, come on come on come on what the fuck. anyways, who cares about that. that's life, deal with it, and i do. the point here is to say, i hate this fucking argument with mishy and now our plans are cancelled this weekend, and the emails are stomach turning and heart wrenching and it reminds me how sometimes you push someone to their limit to see what they will face and sometimes they just can't and that's it. sometimes i just couldn't either, and just run run run. i'm not saying mishy is going to quit me. and i hope she's sane enough to realize there is no fucking way i would quit her. but how can we see eye to eye on this? i guess only time can tell. i'll have all weekend to review my actions and words and see everything i did wrong, but honestly i think i'm right. obviously i am not emphasizing my wrong doing as much and trying to get rid of the feeling of not trusting her by getting all my points out. oh to get the replies you weren't hoping for though, it makes the next emails very scary. and i think, should i just call her? but then i would feel confused as if this conflict must be separate from the sweet, normal sounding person on the phone. which reality is real??? obviously, trying to talk about this tuesday night, my anger was mitigated by love and making sure any severance ideas not be any sort of suggestion or option. which i also felt this weekend's plans were irrevocable. fukk u michelle! (ily)