the waiting room

The girl I mentioned reading about in the newspaper yesterday apparently died of an accident rather than having been raped and murdered, and her name was Monet, not Monique. They should not have been able to report those fake details! They should say if they have no idea what actually happened. Now they're saying she probably died trying to swing from her closet to her bed, using her jump rope, and that there were no signs of sexual assault. I feel like a sucker for crying in the bathroom over this one, and for questioning prayer and God, even though I know things so sad actually do happen and have happened, it is some relief to me that the pretty, smiling little brown girl pictured was not violated.

I woke up today feeling extremely cozy with Tatiana purring next to me and the sunlight glowing over the orange curtain. The apartment has a whole new, sweet energy since my old roommate moved out, and now that all her things are gone. My feline companion is changed also, she cuddles and mews and follows me from room to room, comes when I call her, and sleeps with me all night. I am so happy that L is gone from my life. I have analyzed the ways that I "cared" for her quite a lot, and only feel so much relief that I'll never nurture that kind of monster ever again. So I enjoy getting out of bed and making coffee, and I don't have to wait until the monster has already left, and I don't have to worry about when she might come home. She's never coming home again!

And even before I read about Monet, all the way to work on the train I was praying over and over until I arrived, "please God help me to be brave and strong and to accept myself and accept your will." One reason I chose this prayer is that I have band practice tonight and a show on Sunday. I really do not want to do the show. There is only one other band playing with us for it that we do not even like or know. I asked one friend who couldn't do it or didn't want to. And even though I have five hundred myspace "friends", I didn't find anyone because I don't even have the internet at home right now, and according to Mark, all the bands he asked including a couple who have played with us before, it sounds like some didn't even write back. Did we suck that much? I don't understand why Eskimobot wouldn't write back. Anyway Mark said he just couldn't find anyone. So really the show is not promoted at all either, I have barely invited anyone to come, and I kind of don't want to invite people, I feel very neggy about it all. Then I think, I just really want to quit. Even though there technically are no requirements and no judges and this is supposed to be just for fun, singing and writing in a band feels like so much pressure to me. I even get stressed on practice days because I know that either I'll have to be singing through the set list, which includes songs that I am tired of or never liked, or we'll be working on halfway developed songs, which is the most difficult part, or we'll just be jamming, which is the most fun, before my parts are written in stone. I wish I or we could keep that energy on stage, instead of trying to get things right and worrying about my appearance. Today I keep thinking about quitting, but if I quit, not only will I affect the band members who have put time, energy, and money into this project, but it will be a great source of ennui to me (quoting MK). Of course, it would be more fun if I sang with girls and they were my real friends, like my a Capella group in college. We definitely had some good times together and worked hard too. God I really don't want to do the show on Sunday!! I want a new life (with MK in it)! I'm so fucking sick of being here at work with my brain rotting doing nothing being a waste of space and time, just hating this stupid job and stupid asshole band that didn't even call me to cancel yesterday so I walked around Time Square for nothing for an hour and a half! I need to get my period, I wish I had some Vicodin for that! I wish MK could fly to me right now, but she's at school! My baby is going to graduate oh so soon, and is turning 26 in three days. God I wish I didn't have to work here or do any of the mindless things I do, my back is killing me.