There are other pictures of her this way that I declined to post, and some of them are scorching hot. There are also pictures of me, since I contributed to her friend's video project on prostitution, among other things including drug addiction, street kids, and other glamorous or glamorized problems. I originally titled the above picture "Pretty Woman" but that was just too obvious. I used to love that movie though. I've always been into the idea of saving someone and being saved. Not everyone wants to save and be saved, and this idea of romance can really fuck you over, or it can feel good to enact in small ways.
Anyways, I don't know what this blog entry will be about. Let's see. I'm on page nine hundred and ten of War and Peace. It's at the part where Pierre is poking around near the battlefield and is (I'm guessing) about to see some nasty shit go down. Well, twenty thousand or so men are supposed to die in the upcoming battle. War was very different then than it is now. You really had to be "brave" in a way, rushing at the enemy on foot. So many soldiers were required, and they really killed a lot of them at once, one both sides. It seems like many modern soldiers are in denial about it, like "oh I enlisted but didn't really plan to go to Iraq, and don't want to kill anyone (or be killed)." Maybe that's just what they say until they go there. One similarity I've noticed though is how the soldiers and other contributors to war, both then (early 1800's) and now, are primarily motivated by desire for personal gain in some way. Right now the the government promises help with college tuition, but career advancement is one of the main motivators in War and Peace also. That is pathetic to me and disgusting, which is very judgemental of me and probably ignorant too. But maybe not. Another difference I noticed is how they would march over the whole country to take it over, at least, that's what Napoleon's army did to Russia and other countries. I'm not sure when is the last time that happened, the soldiers really just show up and if they keep marching the country is handed over. I think now you can own a country without being there, by just financially controlling it. Well supposedly that is what America does or has done, and other countries too, the rich ones. England. I don't know who else.
I have decided that I definitely want to be a teacher and so when I am laid off from this office job I will start substitute teaching. As a substitute teacher, I can just watch the kids, I don't have to plan lessons or grade papers. I don't have to teach anything really, I can just help them with their homework, and answer any questions they might have for me.
Also, Mishy and I have been discussing adopting children. Obviously this would happen like ten years from now, maybe eight. She wants black children and I've always been close with the African American people, so am into the idea. We will definitely be adopting American ones, because there are plenty kids here that have no one to love them. Hopefully they won't stop us because we're two mommies. There has to be some way to get a Jaquila and Jamila into our happy home. Of course before we adopt children we have to set up the domestic bliss cohabitation situation, and this subject is somewhat stressful to us both, I think. It's stressful for her because she has other worries on top of it, such as graduating school and finding a job. Also, she's never done it before and neither have I really. I did co-habitate for a couple months with my first girlfriend but I had no backbone during that period and ended up having the small resentments turn into disgust and panic and anxiety attacks so it isn't a good reference for me. I have done much soul searching in my "real" journal, and have realized that there are basically only pros to living with Mishy and no cons. The only con is my sense of fear about it, which on the one hand, I think is a sign that I'm simply not ready, but on the other hand, I wonder if I should challenge the fear? I really don't know. I am talking now about a co-habitation in February 2008, which is when my current lease expires. Well, Michelle and I have stopped discussing the possibility and I believe she is going ahead with the mindset that it will not happen and she'll be finding a different roommate. That's fine, I'm okay not discussing it because I do not feel solid on my position at all. Mostly, I wish the fearful feeling would go away, and I could confidently promise that domestic joy will be mine, and ours, in less than a year. But something holds me back. I feel I should honor that thing, but I don't know what it is? When should you trust an instinct, when question it? I have no doubts that I would be very happy living with Michelle, and no doubts whatsoever that I want to marry her. Even though marriage is not legal, so I will union with her then. My other option (in addition to staying with current roomate or moving in with MK) is finding a totally new roomate, which is scary and which sucks, the more and more I think about it. There are just so many problems with it. One being, if I am away at Michelle's hypothetical apartment, who will take care of Tatiana? And if MK is at my place, will my "new roommate" be annoyed, to have us both there, using the kitchen and living room. Will we have to hide out in my room?? Will Tatiana be confined to the room? IF there are other cats, will she fight with them? But if I stay with my current roommate, I won't be happy either, although it seems the better choice, compared with a stranger. But although I care for my roommate, she is a very angry person, her moods are toxic, and why should I always have to feel on edge and defensive in my own apartment? I know these questions have no answers, and really I don't need to make any decisions until next December or so, eight months away, but I don't like being up in the air on things are important as living situations. Plus I've moved over six times in the past six years and although I don't have a lot of stuff (mostly boxes of books) it's such a hassle. I would like to settle down. I would like to be stable, in one apartment, for at least three or four years! And since I know I want to marry Mish, why shouldn't I start this stable life with her as soon as possible, which is next February? This is not just a casual dating relationship but an engagement (in my mind, and I think in hers too). Oh, how I wish it was all clear to me. So now every couple days I pray about it, and try to relinquish control, and accept all, which is the key, and wait for things to unfold and show me what I should do.
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