dream

MK left for her New Orleans vacation very early this morning. I do not leave the city till tomorrow evening, and will be en route to Atlanta. So although we are not taking a trip together, we are going on mutual, separate trips to the south. I wish I could leave now too. I'm feeling nasty toward co-workers and people who call here, this isn't unusual for me but sometimes the feeling is stronger than others. I think I hide it pretty well though. A few people here, I hate for no reason. One is a mild-faced young man with a short beard and pleasant demeanor. I hated him since the first day he started here, I have no idea why. I'm still nice, of course. I said a travel prayer when Michelle left my apartment this morning, out loud, with her sitting on me in the turtle position. My family used to do travel prayers in the car before we left on a trip, pray for safety and such. If anything happened to Mich though, I really would go insane. I would be like the leftover cowboy in Brokeback Mountain but my life would not go on and I wouldn't have had another wife because I don't need anyone else. I know you have to be prepared, that someone can be taken from you at any point, freak accidents, it's all in the newspaper, but I just really hope God would not do that to me.
Last night I had a dream that I was sleeping with ear plugs in (which I do when sleeping alone) and my roomate came home in a rage. She smashed a wine glass on the wall above my bed and I woke up and could see her yelling but not hear it really. She kept slamming things and went in her room. Instead of telling her that her behavior was inappropriate, which in the dream I realized was the right thing, I was sweet talking her and offering support, I remember saying "so obviously life is hard, but you just have to try." Then Mishy was there and some other people and my roomate was saying she needed to score drugs. And again, in the dream I made a joke about marijuana, but realized I should have told my roomate on no uncertain terms to never talk that way in front of Mich. I felt bad about it. Then I saw Mishy down a hallway or in a doorway, and I motioned for her to come to me, and she did. Then we were kissing, and walking. Then we were going down these steps in a stairwell and it was dark. I was holding her arm. There were a couple shady characters and I thought one might be a dealer so I held her arm tighter and pulled her along a little bit. Then we saw more of those people, so I picked Mishy up like a baby, so she was straddling me in the front, like a front-piggy back. Then we went past one large woman in a bag-like coat who was standing but slumping over and a couple others around her, and I heard Mishy whimper and felt her lightly paw and scratch me with her nails. And I was taking the stairs as fast as I could and then we got to the bottom and I was apologizing for not telling my roomate to never say things like that in front of her, and I was watching her closely to see if she was okay and she was quiet and I was concerned about her. Then later in the dream it seems I had used some kind of drug and I was looking at my eyes in the mirror trying to see about the pupils and worried that Michelle would notice something. There was a lot else going on but I can't remember.
My tummy hurts today. It started hurting during the night, the ulcer feeling, which is not an ulcer I guess but just acid reflux. I know I'm going to Atlanta tomorrow but the weather has kind of bummed me out also. I guess I won't get to go in the swimming pool with my friends. God I feel really angry for no reason. I just don't want to be here, at work. But I don't want to work somewhere else either. I miss Michelle but that's silly, and I'm happy we are doing our own thing and am objectively excited about her trip and my trip. Someday we can stay in a hotel together and I can observe the germ / dirty stranger phobia in person and tease her and roll around in the (magically, inwardly, uncleanably disgusting) hotel bed. Gross I feel depressed.