Remember when I was debating what I should do about my living situation in 2008, and whether I should continue living with my "current" roomate? Well, since that point in time she has totally betrayed me and is moving out. I have composed many things in my mind that I have to say about it. I wrote a couple on myspace, but I deleted them because she is not completely out of my life yet. This weekend, she's coming with her black slave boyfriend to pick up the rest of her things. Last night I came home and her computer and TV were gone, of course she took the cable router I needed and that she got for me a month or so ago when we were still "friends." MK suggested I vent my feelings into this blog, but I'm uninspired since what I really want is to hurt and humiliate her and she would never read this. Plus, as the week goes on and I tell everyone who will listen about what she did to me, I'm losing momentum.
So you know what? I'm not even going to talk about the ex roomate. Actually this morning I felt the anger pass enough to feel a tinge of my old feeling for her, sympathy and pity. I really don't hope her relationship with her boyfrriend ends in a bad way. When they got together I thought he would be good for her, and I still hope she learns a thing or two, like how to take at least a TINY BIT of responsibility for her actions and words, but her bf would have to stand up to her, which seems unlikely, since his submissiveness is precisely why their friendship works right now. But I'm sure if I got another deranged, phony email from her I would stop feeling sorry again. I'm starting to think she may have severed our relationship because I refused to defer to her and baby her for the first time. Technically, it happened in an email exchange regarding a bounced check, or the possibility thereof because I didn't deposit her rent check right away (by the next day), "like she told me to". Maybe in the past I would have ignored the tone and implications of such a message, agreeing for sake of household peace that she could not be expected to balance her own checkbook.
Angry people, I'm so done with them. I no longer want to tip toe and placate and gently teach and help them. It was such a waste, she was determined to make me hate her. I used to think it was my special talent to please a difficult person, so I have to ask, what was in it for me? Probably the length and relative strength or our living partnership was due to the fact that I was hating myself and depressed, so it seemed like I deserved to live with someone who blamed me and others for all her problems. And hmmm, to be used and dropped by someone with an inferior character who is not even intelligent or mature enough to communicate other than swear words, silent treatment, and leaving without saying goodbye?
Meeting MK was the best thing that ever happened to my heart. I'm supposed to tell her how much she loves me, she said that's my homework. I might get an incomplete though, because I feel somewhat uncomfy with the assignment. But if I hadn't met her I might not even have realized that I deserve a better roomate. Who deserves what? Who owes who? Those are always tricky questions, but I realize now from the bottom of the pit that you can't save everyone, and I'm an (imperfect but) lovable girl.
i like how in paragraph two, you say you are not going to talk about the ex roommate, but complete the paragraph on her anyways. 8) good girl, let it out!! cleanse!! i think it may have been worth mentioning that she was a long time racist, in the telling of this story - that in itself speaks volumes. im realizing, that this situation can also be connected to some previous discussions on personal responsibility, and how in masochistic relationships, such a standard is scarcely expected.
ReplyDeleteas we said, the jesus transman's stance on hate is bogus. unless she's willing to admit that she's speaking to the mastery of emotional repression, she can expect someone as wise as you to take her babble with no more than a grain of salt.
my heart is at its all time strongest and fullest. this is just one reason that i will someday make a pleasant and enjoyable roommate to you - if and when you'll have me.
thank you, future roomate. and thank you for mentioning that she "was" a racist, because she still is one. some people might think that i am, for calling him what i call him, but maybe if he used shampoo and didn't fill every room with the stench of mildew, i would overlook his role in this event.
ReplyDeleteyou love jesus or not
ReplyDeletecos i do
well james, i consider that question from you irrelevant. you didn't even read my blog. but i'll answer anyway. i really have no feelings toward "Jesus." I have feelings and ideas about God, which includes the idea of God being manifest as human, but I wouldn't say I feel personal love for Jesus in particular, although I feel lust for Mary.
ReplyDelete