G-d

What I would give for it to still be Saturday, to be back on Coney Island beach with Michelle, not really a care in the world, exchanging massages (causing the teenage boys walking by to "want one too"), eating cheesy fries, commenting on people we observe, and just laying there, holding hands.


It's hard to transition into the weekday. Immediately upon entering the office, a totally different mood settles in. It doesn't make a difference that it's nice outside, because I don't go outside. Plus, it's hot, and I only like warm. Also, I have the pms this week. I will try not to talk about that too much, because I think in general I'm more interested in my bodily functions and emotional states than anyone else could or should possibly be.

Last night at a friend's house we watched a documentary on gay Hasids. I was very moved by it because the culture and beliefs are so similar to the Christianity in which I was raised, and there was this part where a girl was telling about her sister (who was gay) had said goodbye to her, and then she left and committed suicide. And obviously I didn't commit suicide, but I did say goodbye to my two younger sisters, one who was closest to my age and who really loved me, we were close, I think it hurt her when I left. Actually I think I hurt my whole family when I left, because I'm kind of still gone. Well, my older sister (who's also gay now) left before me, so I don't feel as sad about her. But that part of the film made me have the cry/choke feeling. Then there was this part where these female girly partners are in their apartment going about doing domestic bliss type chores like cooking (special Jewish bread), making the bed, cuddling, and for some reason it was like an vision for me of what I'm going to have but a whole other side that never believed it was possible, like my mind couldn't make the vision on it's own. I think that I probably have had all this deep internalized homophobia (although that word is not quite right or what it is). Like, watching the two girls being domestic, I can't explain why it makes me feel like crying, maybe because I just have assumed I'll be alone, and not only because I fear engulfment but because my parents taught me that being gay is a sin and all gay people should be celibate. I can be very good at hiding things from myself, and often that happens with regards to any vulnerability, I just won't admit it. Being rejected for who I am, well I didn't really wait for that to happen, I left home and only once safely far away did I start to admit things. Well, actually to admit those things I had to become a whole new person and even change my name. That's why I like when Mishy calls me by my first name, it feels very close, like home really, where they still call me that. Sometimes when people call me Faith I despise and hate them. As if it's their fault that I told them a "fake" name, haha, but I hate that they like it. But usually I'm okay with it, I don't really want to be seen to closely by anybody who won't understand me at all, which is almost everyone, or maybe that's grandiose, I don't know.

Anyway, in another part of the video, the gay girl was advising her closeted girl-friend (not her partner) to bring it all to G-d. She said if you talk to G-d about it and ask for his guidance and communicate with him, you will feel better. And I agreed, because I was raised to believe that you should talk to God and Jesus like a friend and he loves you like the best friend imaginable. And I still pray and I talk to God. And also in the film one speaker pointed out that in the bible the prophets often negotiated and argued with G-d, and they sometimes influenced him and changed his mind, which is true. And all this made me happy because I want to be Godly and I pray to God about Mishy asking him to bless our relationship and keep her safe. But then today I was reading the paper and I came across this tiny articule on 5 year old Monica, who was raped and strangled with her jumprope in the Bronx last night, and left hanging in the closet, and I felt my faith drop into the ground. Why should I pray for anything good to happen to me, for me to be good, for my life to be good? This isn't a new existential question, duh why do bad things happen to good people (and children), that question makes most people atheist. And why shouldn't it? Obviously there is not a good and fair God in control of things. Obviously right? I know it isn't the first or last or even especially horrible thing to happen, why should it strike me today? Well I was just wanting to pray about my new roomate moving in, that it will be a good situation for both of us, etc, but why should I pray that?

Maybe praying is really just a psychological function, but really I believe that it is real and true. Why do I still believe that? I'm sure that one answer to this question is in one of the books my parents gave me by CS Lewis or some other Christian philosopher, but really, when is it going to be enough? I can't stand the idea of this world, so evil and violent and painful to some people, difficult for all, people just living and dying and nothing being avenged and no end in sight? Why should I have a good life full of love if somebody else doesn't? Isn't every person worth the same, and G-d love them equally? That's a Jesus concept, I know, so I don't need to block out the o. god God GOD. I feel mad at God, and that's a very Christian thing to say.