the process

When I'm listening to a track and trying to write lyrics, I feel like a girl who is watching double dutch jump ropes spinning and waiting for the right moment to hop inside. It's more complicated than that because there is the melody, which cannot by represented by the rhythm of jump ropes, but this is the best analogy I can come up with. I'm still writing with Mark, afterall. He is willing to work without having to meet for "band practice" and the pace is largely up to me. He's creative and flexible, and he has equipment in his apartment. So, we have a date for this Thursday evening. I wonder why I don't/can't write about political situations or anything other than weird, dark, obsession type lyrics? On facebook I listed some rules that I adhere to when writing (and that I wish other people would follow), so I'm not going to re-list them here. I'm really just avoiding working on a track that is difficult... it's hot, but for some reason I can't jump into it. I keep starting it from the beginning and listening for the open space that works with the other melodies. Nothing seems to work. I'm going to keep trying though.

Regarding my personal life and family, it seems I have cut off contact with my parents as of this morning. I resort to this strategy when the person/people I'm dealing with make me feel crazy. You make someone feel crazy by being crazy- by invalidating and denying their feelings and experiences. I must be really angry because I'm feeling like I don't ever want to talk to them again. What's the point? It's always strained (for me), it takes so much effort... it requires the ability to act real without being real (fake). I'm sick of it. One of the things I like best about Michelle is that she has never made me feel crazy. Even when I know I'm acting crazy, she says that my behavior or words are understandable with respect to the circumstances, my issues or my personality.