End of Game

I have been depressed since last Friday and I was starting to think it would never pass. It came for no reason and in spite of a productive recording/jamming session (last Thursday night). By Saturday afternoon I broke my sobriety because I suddenly "realized" that I would never feel better (naturally). Last night in therapy I started crying when I said it would help a lot if I could think back to a time of being happy before I had ever tried or used any alcohol or drugs. The truth is, I have been intermittently depressed since I was 12 years old, and dammit I'm sick of feeling that way! I so so so so am sick of it. Michelle is sick of being depressed too. She says that achieving great happiness takes hard work, positive self talk, mantras and such. Mantras have been very helpful to me in the past. But really, my depression just lifted, and why? Because I just finished writing a song that I think is good and I'm gonna record it on Thursday. But that's not a secure happiness. For one thing, it's vaguely tied to the notion that other people will hear it and appreciate it. But when Michelle praised the last song I wrote with Mark, I only thought, "Yeah but that's over and done with, therefore it means nothing. What's next?" Happiness can only ever be the anticipation of a glory that will not be had. And by happiness, I mean mania. Well, not always... not always mania. If I could feel manic all the time I would be in heaven! There is no way I'm going to avoid feeling depressed, naturally. It's in my brain, and I don't think antidepressant medications help very much. I really don't think the so-called hard work will pay off either. A real, true spiritual awakening is also unlikely (for instance, if I should be like Siddhartha and let go of the idea of happiness) since I'm generally ungrateful and miserable despite many comforts and blessings that the lord has bestowed upon me. You know, it's a good thing that even if I can't solve this problem (via enlightenment, nirvana, letting go of the self, etc.) it will resolve itself when I die. But will I then just be reborn with the same problems? I don't want to come back here and be just as miserable as before! I want to let go in this life! It seems impossible though, and I can tell that I'm on the total wrong track most of the time. Everything that matters to me is the wrong thing! I can't meditate! I can't concentrate! I'm bored! Everything sucks! I hate my fucking landlord! I hate my job (meanwhile I'm lucky to have one)! What's the point.