Married to Hellish, still me

Hellish is one of Michelle's nicknames. Michelle Hell. Today I am feeling sad and anxious, but I am trying to clear a small globe of space within myself where there are no thoughts and there is no time. However, it is snowing inside the globe, so I don't know. I was wrong about having therapy yesterday, and thank god I checked my calender before going to her office. I'm definitely not good with dates, appointments, and details of that type. Anyways, this morning I started crying while I was waiting outside Pathmark for Michelle to come out of the clinic. It felt good. It feels good to let it out. Reading this book, "the perks of being a wallflower" is strange because in many ways I can relate to the character and in other ways no. Like Charlie, I know I need to participate more. It would make me happier. Watching tv is not participation. But unlike Charlie, I do not love everyone. I really struggle with love. I mean, at my darkest moments I think I don't love anyone. But I want to. I want to feel connected with others. I'm finishing the book, and Charlie is talking about his friends being so excited for prom and graduation. I was so incredibly detached during that period of time, I can't even remember it. Everything inside me that should be reaching out to others, empathizing, feeling connected, is damaged. So, I feel very alone, even sometimes when I'm with Michelle. I hate that. It was way worse with other people, you know I would have actual panic attacks in their presence, just from knowing they felt something toward me that I couldn't reciprocate or even access. There is more I'd like to say about this topic especially with reference to recent issues and events, but I cannot. So this is it. Just a little check in, hello, I'm out here, are you? I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay if I feel alone because I'm really not. Sometimes being on the subway can snap me out of this because I feel connected to the other passengers. Today, I decided not to put on headphones, for this reason... but it didn't really work. Like, I knew all of us were feeling the same thing, annoyance about delays and the mugginess and wetness of snowy coats and boots... but I doubted that these other people felt how I feel in general. They might. The manifestation of depression as boredom? There is this girl on myspace who has a quote: "I'm never bored" or something. How is that possible? It bothers me. I wish I could just go home to bed.