What The Future Holds

Lately Michelle has been talking about moving to Philadelphia. She says we should consider it, not now, but in 4-5 years. She is being quite practical, as always. Michelle is a planner. Now that she has a job, she is focusing on retirement. We have both said that we'd like to own property, like people in other cities and states. It's not a possibility here, ever. If we stay here, our rent will just go up every year, while our salaries basically stay the same, and we'll have nothing to show for it at the end of it all. The problem is, I don't really believe in the future. Therefore, I am tentatively agreeing to the 5-year plan with the knowledge that anything could happen in that time. The world, "as we know it" is supposed to end in the year 2012. That makes sense to me, since the year is divisible by fours. We might not be alive in five! Or else, Brooklyn could be totally transformed, for sundry reasons. Who knows what shape the new world will take? Will the U.S. become a totalitarian state? Will China take us over? Will there be a world war III (it seems to be only a matter of time). I can't conceive of "five years from now." But I love NYC and Brooklyn. I am supposed to be here, and right now. Something is happening. Something is about to happen. I can't leave. I have to be a teacher here, and not in Philadelphia. I don't know if Michelle really wants to buy property or she thinks that I do. She is "materialistic," not in a bad way but in a practical way. She says she wants nicer things and a nicer apartment. I really want a backyard. She says that I "should feel poor," even though I feel rich. She says she really doesn't want to leave Brooklyn either. I said maybe we could move to Westchester? But I really want to stay in Brooklyn. Who knows what will happen, even in one year? No point in really dwelling on it.

"How could you steal medication from your mother who needs it?" A bad, bad thing to do. A bad person. A bad daughter. A bad girlfriend. Bad bad bad. What exactly is a conscience? My goals for 2009 include:

-quit smoking, tobacco and weed
-straight edge sober
-try to focus on breathing as much as possible
-acupuncture twice per month
-yoga twice per month

For New Years eve, Michelle and I are going to go on a quiet date. We will probably go see the movie, "Milk" and go out to dinner. Hopefully we can get acupuncture on New Years day, if the Brooklyn Acupunture Project is open.

salt

What does it mean if salt is a reocurring theme in your life? Lately, I have been craving and eating salty things, and have also recently started using a neti pot, which I love, and it entails rinsing the sinuses with salt water. I think I also dreamed about salt recently. Then, the gentleman in these pictures approached me the other morning, and after talking about pictures for a while he began to tell me about bridges. He said that they must be covered with "steel paint" in order to prevent corrosion by salt in the water. He said that salt corrodes everything practically, except steel. I'm not sure if this is true or not, but I know that rivers have fresh not salt water, and he was talking about the bridges around nyc. He mentioned all the types of people who have worked on them over the century, and he said there were built when people used horses and buggies, another fact I'd have to check. I began getting confused, and he talked with increasing excitement and agitation, meanwhile totally violating my personal space. At one point, he accidently spit on my face and my glasses. He apologized, and I realized I was too timid to ask him to please take a step back and respect my physical space. Some people might say I'm not respectful for taking pictures, but he loved it, and no one seems to mind so far. With this man, It felt like another of these spiritual meetings where the crazy person is in tune with truth and other worlds in a way and we are meant to talk... Michelle is so scientific. When I suggest possible past lives, she thinks it's silly. She also said these pictures are kind of boring because she sees that landscape every day. It's beautiful though. This is Gowanus, Brooklyn, near the Smith and 9th F/G train stop. The bridge is truly gorgeous. The morning sky is getting ready to snow for the first time, and signal the beginning of winter.

early retirement or pursue it all?

On my facebook profile, I recently wrote that I was "definitely not done making music" and that I plan to "do my own thing, somehow." Last night, however, I realized that I probably am done. That thought crept up on me after I made those claims, and today I am fairly sure that my days as a singer and band member are over. I was going to try to write stuff for Mark because he's willing to work over the internet - sending me files and me sending back my comments and suggestions - Brian told me he would "never work like that." He wanted me to go all the way to his stupid studio and meet at like 10pm. Of course, he stays up all night! Well, I can't live like that. Maybe if I were single, living on someone's couch, and didn't have a job. Which would never happen because I like security and sleeping at least 8 hours a night and eating regularly, etc. Anyway, Mark sent me a bunch of tracks, and there were about three that I thought had potential. So I started writing some lines, and telling him where I think things work or they don't work.

I like things to be extremely catchy but totally original. I don't like ugliness... don't like strange and jarring transitions... extensive noise and dissonance... I like a very strong melodic relationship between bass, guitar, and lyrical melody, and that's what I like about S-K, in additon to the singing. Anyways, it all starts with a good beat and bassline. Without that, the song isn't going anywhere, no matter how much cool shit you pile on top of it.

Messages from the Other Side

Last night I dreamed that I found Wayne, my friend's deceased cat, who she loved more than anything. I found Wayne, and I couldn't wait to tell her that he was alive. In my dream, he had only been missing, and my friend had a feeling that he was still alive out there. I also found Tatiana, my cat. They came out of nowhere on a random street, and looked at each other, and did not hiss. They were living with a man in his house, but I decided to bring them both home. However, once I got them home, neither were happy. Tatiana hid a lot and I knew I was being too aggresive with her. I knew I should let her come to me. I returned Wayne to my friend, and I think she told me that he had also changed.

During the night, apparently I said to Michelle, in my sleep, "There are whole lives ahead of us." She asked what I meant, and I replied, "That's just how it is." She wrote it down, and told me this morning. I wish I could tell my friend that I saw her cat in my dream, but for some reason I'm being very stubborn in our silence. Usually, I would break it and apologize for whatever I did wrong. This time, I just know that she should apologize, but I'm not sure why. Either way, she insulted me numerous times and had a judgemental attitude toward me. Some of you, I have known for a long time, and we're not finished yet.

poor Shelly . . .

i had the greatest acupuncture session today, in the top of the head, the tum, left elbow, right wrist, front of calves, top of left foot, top and bottom of right foot around scar tissue. usually i get many in my ears, but this week, no. when i got the ones in the right leg, my leg jumped in the air. also, i jumped getting them around the scar tissue, even though breathing out "hard" as instructed. it felt wonderful. i'm at my friend's house. i left Shelly in bed, with cupcake crumbs all over her shirt. she is trying to put something good in that god hole, but can't fill it . . . it's too big! poor Shelly. I loves her. friday night she scared me half to death by coming home later than i expected, and in the evening i had to tell her father not to worry, i think it's just fatigue. i do think that, for the most part. we're back to living for the day! the moment! times like this demand detachment, and i can use all the practice i can get. so can you.

Conduit, Dreams, Imogene, Kumina Queen

Boy am I glad to be at work today, and I'm not joking! Last night our plumbing clogged, and this event, possibly due to the heavy rains, coincided with me acquiring a vicious case of diarrhea! The horror followed me on my commute this morning, as the stalled A train entered a race against the ticking clock of my stomach pains. Do I have Cholera? Only time can tell.

My dreams last night also featured feces, although that is one of my reoccurring dreams and possibly not directly related to the bathroom situation. Before I continue, let me add that there is a gigantic hole in the bathroom wall and there are roaches, etc., coming out of it, one by one. The wall is severely damaged due to leaking pipes; recently I tapped the wall and it caved in. Disgusting! My landlord deserves to be in jail, and I told him that. I also told him his behavior was ungodly, spending all his time in Israel praying while neglecting his responsibilities to his tenants. Asshole! Anyways.... in one part of last night's dreams, little poops were falling out of me as I was walking in a public place. I realized I was shitting my pants, and so I located the public restroom. However, as in all of my feces dreams, there was no privacy or cleanliness to be had. There was a line in the bathroom, and then the door of my stall would not stay closed. I was trying to handle my business discreetly but was highly unsuccessful.

Oh! Let me add... as far as Wednesday night's nightmare goes, starring my father as attacker, I forgot to mention the most sickening part. After the assault, my mother french kissed my dad. Michelle asked, "Why is that the worst part?" Because obviously... it not only implicates her complicity in the crime and failure to protect my sister, but she was obviously aroused, which is unacceptable in every way!

Back to last night's dream. Let me start by giving a little background information... When I was 12 years old or so, I liked this boy named Curtis, who was the god brother of my best friend. Curtis is biracial and has piercing light blue eyes, the epitome of evil. At the time, he lived in a home for problematic youth. We used to meet in the cemetery near the home, and sometimes kiss. Once I kissed him in the alley behind my house, and he shoved his whole, giant, revolting tongue down my mouth while grabbing my ass with both hands through the rips and holes in my jean shorts. I was totally repulsed. Also, in my childhood bedroom, one of the walls faced the intersection of 38th and 10th avenue, and had four windows looking out down the ave. Several boys from the neighborhood had a rude habit of climbing the side of my house and onto the roof, to talk to me through the window. I thought it was flattering, but my father was angry and scared. One time, on the phone, Curtis told me that he and some friends had beat up a skin head. They had arranged his face against a sidewalk curb, with the mouth open and teeth to the concrete, and stomped on his head. I found that image unsettling, but I thought Curtis had a nice voice. I don't know what happened to him, besides having about five children as his teen years progressed. Anyways, in my dream, I was in my old room and Curtis came to my window. I was happy to see him. I asked him how he had been doing. He had a couple other boys with him, and suddenly, I realized that they were there to rob me. He started trying to break the screen. I called for help, and some ninjas appeared. They fought off the boys, and I tried to scream, but couldn't. Once the ninjas had kicked and pushed them off the roof, I looked out and saw Curtis' head and shoulders sitting there on the roof, sans body. The head was still alive, but the severed body was on the lawn below. I was happy to see it, and I spit on him.

In another part of the dream, I was in a giant shoe store / library. I needed shoes because I had to drive Michelle's father's car, and my feet couldn't reach the gas and breaks... so I wanted platform shoes. It was an emergency, because I was trying to finish this project for her family. I was building a giant structure out of pasta and covered with sauce, and it was very important. I didn't want to annoy or upset her mother. They only made the platform shoes in kids' sizes, and a salesperson tried to sell me some Anne Klein ladies slippers instead, which were too expensive and ugly. Then the store became a library. I was in a private reading room, and suddenly, I saw a two little girls playing, one blond and one brunette. The blond came over and talked to me. I wondered if she was a ghost, and then, as I was holding her in my arms, I looked down and saw the white/gray corpse of a dead baby. I was extremely upset and wanted to talk to Michelle about it... she was busy. We were fighting. It had to do with the structure, the pasta, her family, I don't know....

AAh, there was so much more to the dream, but it's gone. Dreams are like that. I only have access to the spiritual world in dreams. Daytime is 'do this' and 'do that' and 'call the plumber.' You know, despite access to the toilet, I am not actually happy to be at work. I'm really pissed. My stomach keeps growling.

What's the use, Zeus?

We can't help what we dream, right? I apologize in advance to the actors in this dream, who did not choose to star in the following scenario. I was with my family. All of a sudden, my dad lept onto my sister in a fit of rage. She did something to piss him off. We were all kind of shocked, but it turned to horror as his wrath continued unabated. I heard and saw a time clock ticking away the seconds that it lasted. He was torturing her. Her had a hose and was putting his thumb over it so that the water came out really hard and right against her neck or face. I could tell that it hurt a lot and that my sister was really scared. The worst part is, she was struggling and calling out, "no no no," and my dad was saying "Yes Yes Yes" in a sexual way, like a rape. I said, "Say goodbye to Lora (my sister)." I knew that my dad could never be forgiven after such a crime. It was far too extreme, inflicted on her for far too long, and it was sexual, which was the worst part. I woke up saying no.

The Moon is so Hollow

I can't sleep tonight. Michelle is passed out and snoring lightly. Sweetly. Once she was asleep, I got close to her. We have barely touched or spoken since last Thursday. Friday, she started using again. Can I talk about this here? I have no idea if anyone reads this. I hope only strangers read it. Michelle and I had a horrible date at Rachel's tonight. She expressed strong disappointment over the fact that it wasn't a nice or "romantic" time. I remained calm. I have remained calm, for the most part, since Friday. Last summer, I could barely cope because I didn't understand addiction. Tonight, I am okay, and I believe that she will be okay too. I married a sick little lady. I almost lost my cool at dinner. I started laughing, not because I was happy, but because she was being so ridiculous, really trying to fight with me, and swearing to god that she was sober while nodding off into her enchilada. It was pathetic. I refused to engage on all levels because I could see that it was pointless. She wanted me to agree that she was "just tired.

the mysterious mind

last night i dreamed about someone from my past where i was at their house with my family, on a vacation or something, stopping by. this person's mother is not alive, but in my dream her mother answered the door and invited us in. i went up to the person's room and was looking around. i felt they way you do when you want to run into someone so badly and you're so excited but nervous. at one point this person returned and we looked at each other close up for a second. then i was wearing these platform socks/slippers with funny multi-colored toes, which made her mom laugh. then my family was leaving and this person was playing a show across the street, down the block, but i knew i wasn't going. i was going with my family.