this fire will only end with the coldness of death

I hope it does not sound grandiose to say that I think there may be something special about myself and my life, especially in terms of what I am becoming and my future role as a teacher. I have been taking note of signs and symbols in my dreams and realities of my waking life that strike me as portentous and mystical, and I will make a short list right now.

1. My lineage on both the maternal and paternal side is composed of religious maniacs, pacifists, Mennonites, teachers, and preachers.

2. I was born at 4:44 am. Yesterday I did some numerology research and discovered the following from a guy posting under the handle "Magikin10" on Bridgettwalther.com:

"4 is that of the creative impulse, the earth, "chaotic grounding." To give an understanding of four, it is the first number that repeats each step before it within itself. 4=0 in it's second emanation... meaning, 1,2,3 are all unique and separate, 4 is crazy, it takes all of em and surrounds them, which gives it its definition. Then once it has all of these inside it, it bounces back and forth between all of them depending upon how it feels at the moment.. Numerology portrays quantum physics perfectly (no wonder Isaac Newton was a numerologist)... so, first you have space, from this space an Ion is known to just appear... this is one... we'll say it's one single proton(1) not yet attached, then it balances itself out with the electrons(2), it is now a balanced entity... to change itself in a new form rather than just multiplying its bonding natures it will create a neutron(3), this changes its molecular weight and creates it into a new atom by finding a medium and not upsetting the attraction properties... we don't have a negative form of a neutron that we know of.. so that's it, that's creation... where four comes in is the nucleus itself, it is the collective of all portions of the whole and the space between... so picture emotions or whatever the situation may be in your life, and realise the flow inside of the atom, the rapid transmission of energy and movement which seems chaotic until well studied... this is four, the bounce of life, back and fourth here to there, but steady."

This makes perfect sense to me, especially if I think about poetry and songwriting, which depend on repetitive fours. (Four line stanzas. Rhythm in 4/4.) Tis not a coincidence. Four is the building block of creation.

3. When I was around five years old I could close my eyes, concentrate, do a mental ritual and travel into other worlds. I tried to teach my friend how to do it, to bring her with me, and I did feel frightened that we might not come back.

4. When I was twelve several important things happened. One, I was in my bedroom with four windows looking out on the street. I heard a strange wind and had a dark feeling, and I heard, very quietly someone whispering my true name. I don't remember what name they told me. The second thing that happened is I fell in love for the first time. This was with a boy in the neighborhood, and the course my feelings took remained the model for all future affairs (obsessions) of the heart and mind. There was no body involved, as all my sexual feelings went underground around the age of eleven (when I ceased playing naughty games with my little girlfriends and repressed that drive completely) and did not resurface until College, when I first acted on my (adult) homosexuality and broke from Christianity. But for Nathan, who was beautiful, I felt very deeply and wrote many poems. He was a simple teenage male and we did not connect on the level I aspired toward, which was divinity itself. My fantasies were of a spiritual bond and as it was not realized between the two of us, these events coincided with the beginnings of suicidal ideation for me. He must have been a mixture of Caucasian and Greek, Arab, or Italian because he had the white/brown skin tone, dark hair, and purple coloring around the eyes that I have always found the most beautiful. I tried chanting, burning symbolic objects, and other witchcraft to make him care if I killed myself or not, but our friendship ended.

5. In 1998 I had my tarot cards read by a woman named Elisandra, who has real spiritual powers, according to an old friend of mine, her mother, and their group of friends in Minneapolis. After the reading I felt I'd be scammed, but as time goes on I see meaning in the statements she made about me. The main thing was that she insisted I was pregnant in some way. She also said there was or would be a black man in my life who could guide and lead me. Being so newly gay, I felt this reading wasn't taking into account my nature, but I was being too literal.

6. In 1999 I had my tarot cards read by my friend's mom, who is a spiritual lesbian and is also Elisandra's friend. She was somewhat new to reading cards at the time. When I am given the cards before they lay them I really concentrate on putting my energy into them. This was the second of three readings I've ever had another person do for me, although I have a deck and have done a few for myself. In this one, there was fire everywhere, which is both creativity and destruction. I just remember her saying that she was most impressed by all the fire. There was also a fire going in the room, I believe. (The third reading I had doesn't count because the reader was just my friend's girlfriend and I was so high that I felt detached and critical of everything).

7. My dream about the bunnies and rabbits killing the cat. Themes of motherhood, sacrifice and rebirth, predator and prey.

8. My dreams about spiders. Very similar themes.

9. Michelle says that it is hard for her to trust my thoughts and feelings because they are constantly changing. It's true, I am not stable, I am the chaotic, fourth neutron, the nucleus itself. I have transformed myself many times, with respect to appearance, culture, norms, beliefs, so that I only take only a few commitments or aspects of my identity seriously.

10. The feeling I have when I look at a full moon, or at the sun (through clouds).

Well, that's my list, for now. Some people might characterize the list as more evidence of my insanity or as typical ravings of a new age dyke. But I'm onto something real here. What isn't real is the disguise of language and objects. Let me tell you about a dream I had last night, of which I only remember a small part. Basically I was hanging out with this guy, a cross between Jared Leto and Josh Hartnett, and I liked him. It became increasingly clear from his comments and gestures that he was looking to meet someone else and wasn't attracted to me, so I confronted him. I said something like, "I like you. If you don't like me... like that... I'm going to find someone else and not hang out with you anymore tonight." I think this dream has to do with the fact that I was watching my So-Called-Life episodes last night. Also, Josh Hartnett went to my high school and in fact we were in a musical together, Guys and Dolls. I sometimes have dreams where I'm saying, "So how do you like being famous?" In real life, I had a crush on Josh, who was probably afraid of me, because again I wanted a very deep, intense connection, not the casual chatting, talking, and flirting that normal teenage heterosexuals engage in to start dating. I began to feel very angry about it, and I believe I said something mean and Josh kicked me pretty hard in my shin, backstage. Later, outside the school, I kicked him back and after that there was some residual animosity there. However, I think we had a little conversation on the porch at our cast party, and there was some interest on his part, but I was too crazy and intense to ever truly be capable of simple, friendly relations with a love object.

This aspect of myself kept me running from one intense, confusing relationship to the next one, leaving a trail of burning crosses in my wake, until I met Michelle. Michelle and I are enough alike to want and need the same things, and be capable of giving them. Socrates said (according to someone on craigslist), the hottest love has the coldest end. That has been true, in my case, definitely. In my relationship with Michelle, I hope the fire will only end with the coldness of death, in sixty years or so, for both of us.