I just came from observing at the high school. I should feel inspired, but instead I just feel like I'll never feel ready to be a real teacher. It seems like way too much work. These teachers must stay up till midnight every night planning all this shit - group projects, media presentations, lectures, handouts, posters on the walls - it's overwhelming. I can't see myself in charge of all that. I didn't even want to do the projects when I was a student. And now I have to get other people to do them?
The cortisone shot really fixed my foot, for now, at least, and I can walk normally.
Yesterday at the podiatrist's office I read this article all about China in National Geographic. It was talking about their industrial growth and the pollution as a result, as well as other political problems. Their two main rivers are almost destroyed and all these plants and factories are causing cancer and birth defects among the people. Later on, in the afternoon, I walked to the West Side Hwy and was watching the waves of the Hudson gently rolling against the shore, filled with trash and splashing onto the rocks covered with trash including plastic bottles, Styrofoam, rags, wrappers, plastic bags, wires, and a film of oil on top of the water. And there were these ducks and seagulls swimming in that, picking out things to eat. Sometimes I wish this whole world would just blow up in an instant rather than suffering through such a long and painstaking death. I love trees. I hate paper. I hate all the AM New York newspapers and all the newspapers that are just trash. Have you ever smelled a paper plant? It is the foul smell of the death of trees. It doesn't smell worse than a turkey farm, however. I don't even recycle everything I use and I don't believe that NY sanitation really recycles the things we put in the bin either. But I feel hopeless. Thinking of those giant factories just destroying everything on such a large scale - and that it won't stop - more people keep being born and demanding to consume on the largest, cheapest scale possible... America is bad but it sound like China is worse. Either way, it's really too late as so much has been lost already, for instance the animals that are extinct or will soon be gone forever. That's why I like to watch Animal Planet because TV is the only way you see wild animals besides the zoo. Fuck humanity, including mysef! And double fuck George Bush and The Pope too, especially to them I say: mother made you, mother had you, mother fuck you! The only time I can feel real joy and peace is when I close my eyes and remember walking or riding my bike through the canopies of tree lined streets, and the smells of grass, flowers, the houses with porches, the sunsets over the park, the winter stars and snow, and the gardens in the neighborhood of my childhood. I want the world to be made of farms, small businesses, and towns, villages, and small cities. I want to stop turning trees into toilet paper that flows out into the ocean. I don't want anymore animals to die. I wish all you breeders would stop fucking breeding! I know it's wrong to make the government control it, but why won't people stop? Why do the poorest people have the most children? I know there are real answers, and that these people need education and birth control - I don't know what else, but I know people must stop reproducing in mass. I want to have a baby too- so badly! But I only want to combine my genes with Michelle's, which is impossible, or her brother's, an unlikely idea. But I don't think I could love any other child as my own- unless they could double my genes and make a mini-me :) Just kidding, but isn't the desire to mate and reproduce essentially narcissistic?
I wish I could take vics or percs today and every day- it's the only way I feel "normal" or how I think/wish I could feel all the time. But I resist because I am better than most people at controlling anything. I know that addiction is real disease, and it's stronger than however strong you think you are, so each indulgence in fake happiness is another step toward death's door. So I give up on the idea of feeling happy today. I should be dealing with the real, present moment, and trying to watch my thoughts as clouds passing in the sky.
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