Simplicity

I woke up at 3 am feeling very confused and anxious, thinking it was time to get up. In order to go back to sleep, I took a klonopin and in the morning I took a xanax because on Thursdays I go to observe classes at a high school in East Harlem. I tend to get anxious about it, although much less so now than when I first started. The affect of having taken both pills is that I feel pretty detached and apathetic today. I enjoyed being in the school though because I like the students. But for the most part, I don't like the teachers. Well, there is one I especially don't like and I observed her class today. The students are hilarious. I love their comments, their sense of humor, and their questions. I think I will be a good teacher someday, even a great one, because I love teenagers and am not interested in controlling or silencing them. I understand the conditions that foster creativity, and those that kill it, because I've spent my whole life thus far studying my own reactions to various environments, including the environment of my own mind. In some ways, I really can't wait to be a teacher. But I'm still afraid, mostly of the responsibility. I have a couple years to go in this program, so hopefully when I finish I will feel even more ready and excited.

I just read through Rolling Stone magazine and for a minute I remembered my old dream of becoming some sort of star or famous singer. But for some reason when I met Michelle I just didn't need that dream anymore and was able to recognize that I don't have what it takes. Maybe I am (or was) a good songwriter in terms of lyrics and melody, but my singing was too timid, controlled, and restricted, which reflected a feeling I constantly had of not wanting to show off, let go, or be so vulnerable. I still like the idea of being famous (the timeless, black and white photo of myself existing beyond my mortal comprehension), but what does it really matter? To be loved and understood by the whole world is not possible. To be loved and understood by one person is enough.

Last night over dinner I was able to express to Michelle some of what had been bothering me ever since my therapy session (wherein I discussed how we had basically resolved our conflicts over her substance use the previous weekend). I told Michelle that I see "the addict" as if it is a separate person, inside herself, and it has its own agenda, rationalizations, arguments, and feelings. And I said that I have to be allowed to feel angry when I feel angry, or scared or frightened or any human emotion arising from issues and events involving substances. If I view my anger (over her getting trashed on alcohol and pills) as "making it worse," and even making it more likely that she use heroin, as she tells me that it does, then my feelings and reactions are being defined as responsible for her choices. This is one of the addict's beliefs and arguments, among many, but it comes out of Michelle's mouth. It is also a responsibility I'm tempted to take on because it carries the illusion of control. Like, if I can manage to handle everything perfectly, I can control and prevent the possibility of relapse and substance abuse (which carry, for me, the threat of losing her to overdose, coma, and/or death). This would be an enabling role for me to play though, one that could drain the love out of me and leave me depressed, exhausted, and bitter. It's important to understand and recognize when it's Michelle talking and reasoning and when I'm actually communicating with the addict, who hates my guts. That much is very clear to me by now. I have repeatedly prevented the addict from getting what it wants. I told Michelle how helpful it is for me to differentiate her from the addict (who does not love me) and that I think it might be helpful for her too, and provide her with with more strength for the fight, to recognize when this entity is trying to seize control of herself. Unfortunately, this conversation had to happen after she had already had a couple vodka shots (before I got home) and although I felt angry about this, I was able to be clear about my reaction. And I made it clearer over the course of the evening. My therapist told me that we have to move toward having a totally sober home, and she's right. So I said I do not want vodka in this apartment any more!! And I told her this and I really hope she makes this choice and respects my wish. After she passed out at 8:30pm, I wanted to dump out the bottle of vodka, but I figured it is better to let her make good choices and learn from the bad ones. But I definitely felt disappointed and lonely after she passed out. I ended up calling my sister, which was good. It seems like she needed someone to talk to about her job and her evil supervisor. Why there are so many evil supervisors in this world, who knows? A law of nature? Better to work for yourself, but then the government will tax the fucking shit out of you, another law, not of nature but of man. Michelle passed out with her head at weird angle and with her glasses falling off her face. I wanted to adjust her but I remembered my therapist's advice to not be a caretaker (enabler) like that. "Let them clean up their own mess," she said.

In the morning, Mishy was very disappointed and upset to have lost an evening of hanging out with me. I told her I also had felt disappointed. But it is not helpful to punish yourself for mistakes, rather to learn from them. I said you're not a bad girl but you have trouble making good choices with substances. She ended up taking the day off work after our toilet overflowed (she informed me via text) and she had to pee in the garbage can instead. She said the toilet still will not flush nor will the water go down. I guess I try to fix it tonight, after class. I like trying to fix things, and it's probably simple.

I did buy that (tiny) white gold, diamond ring for Michelle yesterday. Her birthstone (April) is a diamond, and it's her golden birthday, so come on'... could I really have got her anything else? I can't wait to give it to her though. I really hope it fits. If not, I'll exchange it or something, but I am usually pretty good at estimating all sorts of sizes.