Both black and white are smokin' crack tonight

Last night both Mishy and I had dreams that included cameos by dead artists. Mishy says she had a dream with Tupac in it and my dream featured Kurt. Well, I was in this strange and beautiful version of my old college campus that I frequently go to in dreams. I was in a gift shop that was also a class, and there was an older woman/professor I wanted to meet or impress. Then I also realized Kurt was there. Then I left the store and was so happy I started running and I was wearing a backpack. I was running down a dirt path and there were trees and fields around me. At one point in the dream I pondered changing my "profile" to bisexual, to which Mishy said "ew" when I told her. Don't worry Mich I could never fuck a man in a million years! It simply couldn't happen. Not even any famous artist or rockstar, dead or alive. I wonder why we both had dreams about dead artists? I wonder if they are actually drug dreams. Afterall, she has had that "Changes" Tupac line (see the Title) in her head lately, and I'm pretty sure that in her mind he's connected to the ex with the Tupac tattoo, which is also a drug connection. And obviously Cobain could represent drugs, among other destructive things. Yesterday I wrote a blog about both how depressed I was feeling (nothing new) and how I occasionally (every afternoon) wish I never told Mishy about the mini-abuse I committed, so that I would not be accountable, even though it felt so good to open the communication. She even counted the pills in the bottle, we couldn't believe that! Then my blog deleted itself, and I figured it was just as well because it seems best for my love if she has to think about drugs as little as possible, so I don't want to bring anything up. But here I am, writing again, because I'm thinking about the dreams and I'm in the office where I always have nothing to do but think about depressing things, like how to make something of myself and my life when all I want to do is hide. That's better than saying all I want to do is die (and be remembered), which is no longer true. I like being alive since I like myself now since Mishy likes me whereas before I really thought I was disgusting! Of course, we're all bad people. But I am a sweet girl really and I can't even explain how much I love being a good, sweet girl now. I always was though. Anyways, all I can do is pray about my future because I really don't know how to proceed! Life here in the office just took a small step up though since I figured out how to circumnavigate the firewall and logged onto both myspace and friendster!! The access is somewhat limited, but I was definitely in there. It's not relaxing though, I'm afraid of getting caught. I mostly stick to emailing to pass the time. Tonight I have a therapy session, and I don't want to go, although I never do when it comes down to it. All she wants to do is tell me to stop smoking weed when I already know it's shit. What I need to know is how to proceed with my career...but I won't start on this subject, because I can only pray about it, because no matter how much or how hard I think about it, I don't know what the fuck to do.

Happy

Considering that I just recently returned from bathroom prayer time, during which I sat on the toilet and cried and prayed, "God please make me happy" over and over again, I found this passage in War and Peace interesting:

"Happy the people who in the moment of trial, without stopping to ask what rules others have observed in similar cases, simply and nimbly pick up the first cudgel to hand and deal blow after blow until the resentment and revenge in their souls give way to contempt and compassion (pg. 1222)."

This statement is objectively interesting for many reasons, including the unlikely pairing of contempt and compassion. Honestly, I never felt both of those things at once, maybe pity and compassion, but not contempt. Contempt is an uncomfortable emotion, especially when felt for the self.

lyrics for the new song

You can't have the real thing / So you draw a picture / But tear it up / And forget about it / I see that you love it / More than a person / And I'm only human / So I'm feeling jealous / Silly to fight though / When love is the strongest / But summer's the hardest / And you're infected / Well it's a disease / Let's try to ignore it / Not talk about it / Just go away / Want to get even / Meet all your demons / Kill them before you can hurt me / You can't have the real thing / So you draw a picture / But tear it up / And forget about it

My show on Saturday

what is memorial day for again?

I spent memorial day at coney island with my friends. I learned that the owners of coney island supposedly sold it for a company to build condos or something. That's sad. Also sad, this Sopranos episode where a very beautiful stripper and pros is killed. I just watched it at Maggie's house and keep thinking about it now. I should just go to bed. Tomorrow another long fucking tuesday. I'm having that feeling that I can't accomplish what other people can. All tasks seem very overwhelming, and the future, financially grim. I did accomplish buying some shoes though. Michelle went with me to about six or seven shoe stores in tha past two weeks. I couldn't find one with all three qualities, comfort acceptable appearance and in my size. So the ones I bought were not really as good as I wanted, but I had to settle because it was getting ridiculous, the search. And it hurts for me to walk which makes it all the more emotional.

My new summer haircut

The Bronx Zoo

In my book

These are just lyrics I wrote yesterday in practice. I hope they become a song. Obviously they are inspired by the little scene in Death Proof, the movie Michelle wishes I had not insisted on seeing in a movie theater.

In my book / You've got a line / Or two / In my book / I filed you / Under a slow proof / Under the bright sign / Everyone can claim to have / The guts to look / In my book / In the cold design / After the chapter / On death / I hold my breath / And don't move /This doesn't rest / If I couldn't have you, nobody else should / If I couldn't have you nobody else should / Beautiful story / Beautiful girl / Beautiful story / Beautiful girl / If I couldn't have you, nobody else should

Grunge gay pinup

Jackie was right, I do look crazy. It must be my eyes. Also in this particular one it seems my head isn't attatched, as if I'm just gripping the hair from behind and holding it against the neck and body. My face looks very round, it's kind of strange. In any case, this picture belongs in the series, so I have to include it, despite these observations and reservations.

Michelle took these at the Delancy

DEATH PROOF

This is what conflict resolution looks like:

The heart that shines and sparkles

I just wish that I flipped the little pink sparkly butterlfy into the front before I took these. So FYI, there is one of those behind the heart ... a crystal member of the butterfly parade. Looks so pretty on you Mishy. Next time tell your parents the truth, if they ask anything about me. Besides they are very intelligent people, I'm sure they know what kind of prezzies are romantic and what kinds are not - anything with hearts, flowers, butterflies - have to be from the one who adores you.

what defeats people

apparently there is a conspiracy out there that every train i wait for should be delayed or somehow fucked up. i can't remember the last time i was going to or fro anywhere and just arrived at the station, caught my train, transfered here or there, caught the next one, no. it always involves panic and me muttering to myself, come on come on come on what the fuck. anyways, who cares about that. that's life, deal with it, and i do. the point here is to say, i hate this fucking argument with mishy and now our plans are cancelled this weekend, and the emails are stomach turning and heart wrenching and it reminds me how sometimes you push someone to their limit to see what they will face and sometimes they just can't and that's it. sometimes i just couldn't either, and just run run run. i'm not saying mishy is going to quit me. and i hope she's sane enough to realize there is no fucking way i would quit her. but how can we see eye to eye on this? i guess only time can tell. i'll have all weekend to review my actions and words and see everything i did wrong, but honestly i think i'm right. obviously i am not emphasizing my wrong doing as much and trying to get rid of the feeling of not trusting her by getting all my points out. oh to get the replies you weren't hoping for though, it makes the next emails very scary. and i think, should i just call her? but then i would feel confused as if this conflict must be separate from the sweet, normal sounding person on the phone. which reality is real??? obviously, trying to talk about this tuesday night, my anger was mitigated by love and making sure any severance ideas not be any sort of suggestion or option. which i also felt this weekend's plans were irrevocable. fukk u michelle! (ily)

Lyrics to live by

Here are the lyrics to the three new songs my band will be playing in a couple weeks. I post them because most people say they can't understand the words in a live situation, and the lyrics are very important to me, but not more important that the melody of course.

Exempt (this song is about my ex roommate, if u can't tell)

If I never felt pity for you / If I never loved pitiful you / and understand that you were confused / I could ignore the big fuck you / If I ever comitted to you / Had to be I felt sorry for you / Please remind me what you went through / Tried to be a good friend to you

Well I've heard your / Excuses / I've had enough of them / Goodbye whenever you want / Exempt until the end

Rain All Day (this song is about Mishy)

You came over on the weekend / To become my best friend / Sharing all our secrets / I wanted to be just like you / I wonder if you wanted me to / I wanted it to rain all day / I tried to make April stay / And Sunday she said, come and tell the doctor everything, on the couch / Listening to the rain, if you don't tell me I'll find you out

So we hang out on the weekend / To become best friends / And I'm feeling all your feelings / I wanted to be just like you / I wonder if you wanted me to / I wanted it to rain all day / I tried to make April stay / And Sunday she said, come and tell the doctor everything, on the couch / Listening to the rain, steadily watch her open mouth

Do you know / I love everything I kill and / I kill everything I love / I love everything I kill and / I kill everything I love / I need to be king of you but, I can't if you don't want me to / I need to be king of you but, I can't if you don't want me so / Take your shirt off, take your shirt off / Take your shirt off, take your shirt off

Restriction (also for Mishy, and for me)

When you were all alone / you had so much control / got down to skin and bones / but now it's time to let go / When you were on your own / it's true no one could leave / No one could touch you / They called you the ice queen / Oh is this how you like it? / Tell me is this how you like it? / In a hospital / A one room cell / You do it so it feels like hell

If you would look inside / Under the tiny clothes / I wonder if you could find / A mind to call your own / Ur good at one thing now / And you love one thing now / Mother is dead in the kitchen / You're master of Restriction / Oh is this how you like it? / Tell me is this how you like it? / In a hospital / A one room cell / You do it so it feels like hell / Winter lingers / We're tired / Separation / We're cold / Any day I hope to see you / Riding out of here, this shit is getting old

I forced myself to take a walk today

I want to be just like you

Should i beome the superintendent, or shouldn't I?

It seems that my relationship with my landlord has progressed in a positive way over the last couple weeks. We had one very emotional conversation about the 410 dollar doorknob, and that was the last I heard of it. He could tell there was nothing for him to do but cry about it, I guess. I personally stopped feeling guilty about my mismanagement of the locksmith situation when the neighbors started leaving open bags of rotting trash in the hallway again, and for days on end, so I called 311 again but I don't think he knows that yet because he wouldn't have got the letter right away. They finally cleaned it up but then the neighbors busted the lock on the front door of the building, so I started sending him texts about that too. I text one message saying I knew it was the Sabbath but that if I should be raped mugged or killed in my hallway he would be responsible to God for it. But he didn't get my messages because he was in Jerusalem, praying at a holy wall. So when he got back to New York he called me and told me about the coincidence of the whole thing, which appealed to him apparently because now he has called just to chat at least more than once. I told him I don't think this area is safe and I don't walk at night for pleasure and he said do you need me to take a walk with you? And he asked me if I'm Jewish but he knows I'm not so whatever. Should I be the superintendent? He says he would pay me. I think it's pointless because I'm moving in less than a year anyway, but I kind of like the idea. Maybe if I could have the apartment next door with the backyard and he moved that family out, although the little girls are so cute impossible to hate and the mom is sweet too.

her parents will come right in the room at any time

i put a keylock on you girlfren'

Rapprochement

This morning I stopped at my regular fruit stand on 33rd and 8th to get my usual banana and asian pear (fifty cents only). I thought we had an understanding, the cart owner and me, that I'm running very late (every day) and cannot wait in the line to pay, so I will have to just take mine and cut the line and drop the change on his money area. However, today I waited, to be nice, but still felt impatient so I put the change down on the money area while he bagged my shit instead of waiting to receive the bag and put the coins in his hand. And when I looked into his eyes I saw some real hostility! He hates me! I wonder if I can keep going there.

So I spent all yesterday trying to edit M's paper, but how can I when she knows so much more about it than me? Well, I consider myself good at crafting sentences, so that was my main focus. But it took me so long because much of the information is new to me. I just have general ideas and learn about psychology on the internet, as it comes up or I need to know something, I look it up. Anyway, the main question I had about the content - I know we agreed to discuss it this weekend - but I have to formulate my question here or I might forget or feel confused. So this is regarding the section I copied below (which incorporates my editing so if MK doesn't agree with a change, she should say and I'll revert to the original). My questions are: nevermind that this is an older theory and not as multifaceted as a bio-social one, just assuming that there's truth to it, why do you think the borderline always experiences and feels the fear of abandonment more strongly than fear of engulfment? It seems like they are both equally likely risks or outcomes. Are there just more mothers that punish (or otherwise mishandle) their baby for its dependency needs than ones who do for its attempts at separation? Is it uncommon for the latter to even occur? And if the primary injuries to the developing personality are inflicted in response to individuation attempts, what do you get? Obviously nothing in the DSM. Well, those are my questions, what do you think Dr. K?

"The central task of separation-individuation is the child’s attainment of autonomy and a sense of self that is separate from the caregiver. In achieving this separate self, the child is met and challenged by two conflicts: desire for autonomy versus desire for closeness and fear of engulfment versus fear of abandonment (Kreisman & Straus,)... The third and fourth stage of the separation-individuation phases, known as rapprochement and object constancy, are seen as being the most crucial in determining a vulnerability to Borderline Personality Disorder. During the rapprochement phase, which occurs between sixteen and twenty-five months of age, the child first begins to realize that he/she is a being separate from those around him/her. However, the feeling that accompanies this first realization of separateness is one of ambivalence. To reduce ambivalence and strengthen the child’s sense of separateness, the caregiver must consistently support and nurture the child while simultaneously fostering and reinforcing his/her efforts toward achieving autonomy. Immediately before and after instances of separation, the caregiver is to accept, without retaliation, the child’s feelings of sadness and anger. The caregiver who is unable to fulfill this role, who initiates separation before the child is ready or who resists reuniting after a separation, will discourage the child’s attempts at autonomy and the child will feel the threat of engulfment and/or abandonment. Inappropriate and non-supportive responses or messages from the caregiver keep the child from sufficiently completing the rapprochement phase (Landecker, 1992). According to Mahler (1971), “one cannot emphasize too strongly the importance of the optimal emotional availability of the mother during this subphase” (p.439). Mahler believes that the fourth and final stage of separation-individuation cannot be entered, much less completed successfully, if the rapprochement phase ends unsatisfactorily (Kreisman & Straus, 199). However, children who do complete the rapprochement phase face the goal of achieving object constancy: recognition that the physical absence of the primary caregiver does not mean he/she no longer exists. This comprehension, if achieved, is then applied to other significant characters in the child’s environment. Also during the object constancy stage, the child enhances his/her capacity to tolerate frustration and ambivalence in general. One way he/she copes is with the use of transitional objects that represent and are associated with the caregiver, such as certain blankets or toys. Once the child fully achieves a state of object constancy, the use of transitional objects is retired. Because the Borderline’s sense of object constancy is prohibitively lacking, it is common for them to continue depend on transitional objects even as adults (Kreisman & Straus, 199)."

My new roommate is a painter

Isn't Tatiana beautiful?

pictures i took tonight

brian plus marker

38th and 8th ave