< 24 hrour post

Well, my gal is in the ER right now. To any family or friends of her who may be perusing here, she is okay. I stayed for a couple hours.

I was getting her texts earlier in the evening, while working with Mark (playing on a drum kit (!)), and the gravity of the situation took a while to dawn on me. Had been in the cloud all day. When I got home, she called from someone else's cell phone on the train because her battery died and said she'd been advised to go to Methodist. I stupidly asked, "Do you want me to meet you there?" Then I biked there as fast as I could, in the light rain, wearing all black, sans helmet, and when I arrived Michelle said, "I just thought you might want to be here when I died." I felt so sorry for the gal, but I was tired and high (just weed, folks), and my back was hurting so I left around midnight. The important thing is, she's alright, and I won't say much more about tonight than that. I picked up some Baskin Robbins ice cream for her on the way home.

All the signs that a user is using (know them)

Believe it or not, this photo is a view my work neighborhood, taken the year I was born. I don't like to think about change but I do like to imagine that I'm something concrete or stable that would stay in one place over the years, like a building or a tree, and how it must feel to watch everything and everyone come and go. I bet it feels good! I just finished scanning and printing all the pictures for my upcoming "art and literacy" lesson. The lemon picture (below) is pretty, isn't it?


Tonight I'm going to Mark's house to work on music, but I won't be singing because I've been abusing my voice nonstop for weeks now (smoking), but I hope to just make up some new stuff. However, I'm really tired... like physically tired and also tired of dealing with certain things, like addiction (not mine). It really is a fucking disease!

battered wife syndrome

You know what's the worst? When you have a friend who is dating or married to a total asshole, and she refuses to fend for herself in any real way. It would not be so bad if she would just say honestly, "I'm dating a very cold and selfish person who enjoys controlling, insulting, or humiliating me, but I think I'm worthless so I better just stay put." What do you say to your friend? Do you tell your friend when their hubby cheats on them or talks shit about them behind their back, like says their not smart or thin enough? I did not share the information, but was dumped nonetheless, simply for KNOWING what was said and not finding it funny.

See, I wasn't even mad about this anymore until Michelle stirred it up this weekend by contacting Jessica and saying that Alicia owes me (me!) an apology. I'm not the type to hold grudges AT ALL. Seriously, it takes like an earthquake level conflict to keep me from patching things up whenever possible. But this, this shit is crazy. There is only one other grudge I have and it is against someone just like Alicia, who seems cute and sweet and quirky and smart... and inside is just rotten. This type of person usually picks a partner who is insecure or who craves an authority figure to validate them in some way. And this type shows the world (and their wife) a persona who is NOT their entire, real self. The real self has no friends, and whenever it comes out, it drives more friends away. Yet the girlfriend or wife feels really proud of herself because, "He may have hurt other gals, but he's good to me. He must have changed for me, yay!!" Jessica said Alicia treats her LIKE A PRINCESS now. If Alicia manages to ACT that way meanwhile her real, miserable personality is hidden and submerged... it's really a testament to her intelligence, which is indisputable. Although it's easier to hide things when your girlfriend/wife doesn't want to know the truth, and they usually don't! They usually just want to be taken care of.

Jessica should have appreciated the way I stuck up for her to Alicia, who was trashing her behind her back and for no reason! I basically sacrificed my friendship with Alicia for her! I asked myself, what kind of person is this, who trashes her own wife? That's not funny, that's mean and pathetic. And now these two are happy as can be, and somehow Jessica thinks that I owe Alicia an apology!? For what... confronting Alicia about her own statements, privately???! I didn't even share the insulting and humiliating info with Jess until NOW, months later! And actually, Michelle shared it, not me! Yet, I'm dumped. Nice, right?

I curse Alicia DiPietro, and if I ever get a good chance to teach her a lesson in any way that's legal and reasonable, I will! It is not enough for me to know that her world of happiness is fake! But for now, I'm putting it on a shelf in my mind, to collect a bit of dust.

To reiterate: I have no love for cheaters and liars. Or for the spineless wives that defend them and overlook their "indiscretions." Consider this, when a man is a serial rapist or pedophile or other horrible thing, don't you think his wife knows? Don't you think, if she does not know, that she is choosing to not know? The same is true if the spouse is gay. YOU KNOW IT. If you stick your head in the sand, "for the children's sake," or any other bullshit reason, you are also responsible for the pain that is caused. And you cause your own pain. I get angry about this because people never want to take responsibility. And we are responsible for what we know and what we don't know. And why should someone treat one girlfriend heinously and another girlfriend nicely? Say your husband is nice to you but goes out on Friday nights, picks up sex workers, and beats them? Do you say, "Well it's the whores' fault for being whores?" No! It's your husband's fault for being sadistic and misogynistic, and by staying with him you condone both the cheating and the beating! So if you think you're lucky to have snagged the guy that abandons or hurts other women, or has in the past, your turn is coming and you are really stupid! I want to see you realize that. Because now I'm all angry and worked up. You think it means you're valuable or that you have some power, so you'll stay with him forever and live like a sleep-walker! Because yeah, it could still make a nice photo op and you could put it online?

The only move that cheaters and liars like Alicia DiPietro can make, once confronted, is to "never talk to you again." And they mean it. That's one committment they can really make. It's like a vampire trying to hide their identity to survive in civilization. But they should not have become friends with me in the first place because they should have known that I carry the message. I have to deliver it, that's my purpose, that's what I do.

How close to you want to be?

Men

Yesterday I was watching this French movie called "Fat Girl" with Michelle, and it's all about these two sisters on vacation and the older sister "loses," so to speak, her virginity to an older college student. She's 16 and her younger sister is 14. The 14 year old is the chubby one, whereas the older sister is flirting with the college man and making her sister tag along for all of their "dates." I became very upset, because I could definitely identify with what happened, and it's so typical and so pathetic. The girl wanted to be loved and desired, and didn't want the man to be mad at her, which he was, when she refused to have sex. So she's all, "Are you mad at me?" and trying to do everything but have sex, but in the end, of course, the guy wins. It just disgusted me. Because WHY do men enjoy having sex with someone who is not aroused, to say the least? In my mind, that is the sickest thing about men, period. That they derive pleasure from sex when the other person is not having any pleasure or even feels pain and fear. It seems like rapists generally just pretend that the girl wants it, and maybe that's the case with your average guy on a mission, too. He just tells himself that the girl wants it as much as he does, or that she's just pretending to have reservations.

So, considering the report I read in college Sociology class, where frighteningly high percentages of men said they would rape if they knew they wouldn't get caught, and the statistics stating that 1/4 women have been, and considering the people I know personally who have been molested or assaulted, I have to conclude that men are, overall, morally and spiritually inferior to women. Ironically, the major religions have done everything they can to exclude women. In fact, supposedly the Buddha himself did not want to have female monks join his group and he denied admission to his own mother-in-law three times in a row before someone else convinced him to let the women join. I just read that in a book. Which makes me think that either his followers made that up because they were not true Aharants, or else the Buddha was not fully awake as he claimed to be. Because if he were really free of worldly consciousness, once and for all, he would no longer be constrained by the gender roles of his culture. Personally, I think the world would be WAY better off if only 10% of the men remained and were quarantined for reproductive purposes.

No, I don't really think that. I'm just disgusted by how easy and natural it is for men to enjoy sex regardless of the other person's feelings. Like, even with sex workers. How is that hot for the buyer who knows the worker wouldn't do it for free, and probably hates him and thinks he's gross? It's not right. But my main point has to do with the ubiquitous case of guys manipulating their teenage girlfriends into having sex. Because most people agree that rape is wrong, and sex work is dark, whereas it's supposed to be natural for your first boyfriend to pressure you into having sex. Like, they will do anything to get it, and they never give up. I totally regret my first experiences. I wish to God I would have realized that I had nothing to lose by refusing, and everything to gain. Why did I care if he was mad at me, or dumped me? I could've just been single and let the teenage boys (and grown men) sweat me and want me but not be able to have me. Much better for my self esteems. But I felt really trapped, like I was doomed because all my friends were giving up their old plans to "wait for marriage," and I didn't think anyone would be willing or able to wait for me.

I contacted my first boyfriend in 2002, and he was like, "Oh, I think it's really special that we were each other's firsts." And I said, "Oh do you? Well that's nice, or whatever..." totally shocked. Him being my first is not special to me!! I did not enjoy it, it didn't feel good at all, and I became almost suicidally depressed for years as a result! But he's just a simple, regular dude. Thinks it was cute. Can't even imagine what it was actually like for me. Sex minus arousal and minus lubricant! But we are so used to thinking of everything through the male perspective, who feels the pleasure, who dominates through coercion and force.

(PS. I know that some women also lack compassion in their sexuality (sadists, etc.), but I think they are the exception to the rule, and there is usually a reasonable explanation for it, like having been abused as a child and being a sociopath, which makes them different from men who are generally, naturally, able to enjoy sex with someone who is not enjoying it.)

(PPS. I wish there was some way to reach young girls on this issue. Because I think it's traumatic for girls even if they pretend to be tough or pretend that they like sex. That's a total coping mechanism. Because if you wanted it, then you weren't a victim. I never wanted to be a victim.)

escaping slavery

no work today or tomorrow! i'm sitting in bed, sipping a delicious coffee with cream and weeds, and preparing for a bike ride / photo project. i'm a bit scared to bike through red hook on my own since i may get lost (michelle generally led in my other trips). but on a bike, you can make up for a wrong turn much easier. i love bike riding. it is so freeing. when i'm walking, i'm constantly aware of the effort and pain. my foot has improved but that whole side is messed up. every step, i just want to sit down. like an old person. and i'm aware of my womanly weight and how i look to others while walking. so a bike is way better. i put the weed in my coffee because last night i started to really contemplate the way resin builds up in my old hitter, and to consider that the same thing is happening to my lungs. and how stupid can you be, if you want to sing on recordings, to mess with your throat and lungs? i'm down to like three cigarettes a day, and i can't do anything more with that right now. tonight i am going to mark's house to work on musical things. this summer i'm hoping to focus on music since hunter college isn't offering a course that i can take, with my work schedule. anyways, maybe i should go to coney island today, instead?

the perfect social life

ML was recently telling me why she enjoys having her dinner at a bar and watching the bar TV. she said it's the perfect social interaction - other ppl are around - but she doesn't have to talk to anyone. for me, being in a bar is not as relaxing because i feel self conscious and i'm scared someone might talk to me. my most comfortable, social place is just riding the train. i feel like everyone in the car has a bond and is communicating silently, and if something terrible happened we would be totally bonded... so just knowing that, and standing so closely to everyone and observing them discreetly, makes me feel not alone. i also like how people follow the rules on the train- you know, which seats to sit in first, how to give others optimal personal space, how to get on and off the train, rules about eye contact, etc. it's comforting. when there is a crazy person saying a sermon or something, it creates an even stronger bond between us, because we are all listening, we are all aware, we are all going to work.

wtf

Robert Guskind OD'ed? ugh. Gives me a doomed feeling. Cannot contemplate it.

But I am the knight in shining armor-

Last night I dreamed there were these two gang/mob leaders who were performing a ritual. One of them was riding a horse-lion, some sort of animal that doesn't exist. He had swords and he reached under and pierced the beast from below, and it kept moving and going up on its rear legs. Then the man lit a fire underneath it, to cook and eat it. While it was burning, I saw the head of another horse-lion sitting on the ground nearby. Then some police came to arrest the men, and I said "nooo nooo!" because the horse-lions would go to waste. I didn't want them to have been killed for nothing.

Kathleen is a lady I dreamed about Monday night. She had long, dark hair and a thin but somewhat flabby/weak body. I saw her from the back. She had one of those bottoms that is pretty flat and where the crack starts really low. I knew I was in love with her and I was watching her dance. I asked her, "Do you prefer to go out or stay inside?" And she said, "I like to stay inside, in front of the mirror, to fantasize." Then there was another gal whom I loved. She was miniature, childlike, and crippled, but very cute. Her name was Maritza. I saw her up in a tree on a flat piece of paper like an ornament and I said, "Mitzy! Mitzy!" Then I called her on the phone and said even though we were long distance, I would find ways to visit.

So last night I dreamed about Maritza again. I wanted to call her from the hospital, where I was taken by my parents after sustaining a serious head injury. Actually I sustained two head injuries. The one I remember was where I was up on this wooden structure in a grocery store type place. My cousin or friend was scrambling ahead and climbing down, but suddenly I realized the structure was crumbling and I was falling. The next thing I know I was with my family and they said I had fallen on my head and I thought of Natasha Richardson and how she thought she was fine at first. I was walking and suddenly I felt confused and dizzy and sick and I just fell down. My parents didn't call an ambulance, they just started dragging me to the hospital. I was out of it, but I know my body was sliding all around and knocked into a pedestrian standing in front of the hospital.

Later on, me, my sister Jo, and my sister Care were laying on our backs on the ground. Jo started propping herself up on me and Care, like her elbows were pressing into us on either side of her. She was pressing me too hard, and I said stop, I have a head injury already, but she pressed harder. Then I hit her, and she hit me back, harder. And I felt very weak, but I kept trying to protest because I might die or something, and I was yelling for my mom to help and finally she pulled Joanna off of us. Then Joanna said she only did that because she was uncomfortable with a question my parents asked her about puberty, like about facial hair or something.

Then we were at a water slide, and it looked like fun at first. I got in the water wearing all these clothes and a nice, new sweatshirt. But the water slide turned out to be made of cement and it was rough going down. At the bottom the water poured into these canals, where the water was really dirty and gross. It was slimy and there were scary chunks at the bottom, so we got out of the water and tried to rinse ourselves in this fountain. It looked like there was thick algae all over me.

There was a bunch of other dreams too... but I can't remember.

... Yesterday evening when I got home from work, I immediately noted signs that all was not right in the apartment or with my wife. I was correct, and in such a way that I felt quite overwhelmed. I did not think I could manage my reaction! However, I just lay down on the couch for a couple hours with a blanket and pillow over my face and listened to a mix CD of some really good songs. Then I got up and ate macaroni and cheese and finally went into the TV room to continue the conversation with Michelle or to just go to sleep because I wasn't mad anymore. But we were both pretty confused and at a loss. To finally admit a reality that has been systematically repressed and denied! This scary thing felt like a fire-breathing dragon with a thousand mini-dragons inside, waiting to be birthed.