A scorpio would die in the desert

I’m sorry for neglecting you. So much has happened since I last wrote. What a summer! Summer is always difficult for me, it seems. But now it is September, and maybe something in my astrological chart shifted, because ever since I began menstruating last weekend, I feel emotionally stable for the first time in months. It helps that Michelle is basically stabilized and doing so much better. We are rebuilding some trust and I love her more than ever, understanding as I do now, more deeply, the reality of unconditional love. I also have begun to feel a degree of control over my mind, which may be the effect of antidepressant medication, or it may be the result of my meditation attempts, or a combination of the two factors. I used to always feel and think that I had to go wherever my mind wanted to, including increasing states of panic and fear, or emotionally, I was the helpless subject to an internal dictator. Therefore I would be annoyed when people told me to think positively or any advice indicating I could do something about my misery. However, lately I have been choosing what to think about and have noticed myself enjoying more quiet time.

Last night I dreamed that I found heroin spilled on the underside leg of a wooden table, and put my face down and tried to snort it without a straw or anything. I didn’t feel much, but then I went out to a couple bars with a guy friend, and began drinking too. It was boring and frustrating though, because I wanted to run into these hot girls and the bars were empty and nothing to interest me. I came home late and was trying to hide all this from Michelle. Then I went to the wooden table and discovered there was more spilled there than I initially realized and went at it again. Or, I considered saving it for the following morning, and I did not plan to tell Michelle.

Last night Michelle had half-awake terrors, where she was walking around, crying and saying she dreamt that I died. I tried to wake up, but could not. I just kept telling her to come to bed and go to sleep. She dreamt that I died in a desert. She said she experienced every character's perspective and was talking aloud and with various accents. I hardly heard anything, but I do remember her saying nonsensical things to me. She also went on an eating binge with Luna bars, crackers, and there were even more crumbs in the bed this morning. She has a job interview today (she lost her job in June). I am still in school, but I’m less academically motivated this semester. I have been looking forward to actual teaching more though. I start tutoring next week. As far as politics go, I am detaching. I really am taking that Buddhist advice to try to not have opinions or judgment on anything and just to observe.