I’ve only been to two al-anon meetings and this shit is already helping me so much. It’s making me consider my feelings about the world outside of Michelle. The fact is, I am afraid of life and afraid of people. I can only stand being out there so long, and then I want to rush back under my shell. Being with Michelle is not like being with other people. I feel as comfortable around her as being alone. But actually now I feel more comfortable being around her than being alone. Somewhere along the way this happened. I started worrying more about her well-being than making myself happy or facing the fears I have in my own life. Well, I never totally stopped working on myself. But I have to think that I can make something of myself even if she isn’t or wasn’t around. I can’t just feel like if I lose her I’m going to die.
I had a couple important dreams a couple weeks ago, one with an owl where we made eye contact, and the other with a giant turtle, underwater, rushing under the sea. Last night I dreamed I got these very classy red heels. I was really going to wear them. They were beautiful, two toned leather, low heels. This dream must have something to do with my femininity. I really don’t know.
Certain moments, I think, I could choose to not be depressed right now. I could just decide that everything’s okay, it’s exactly how it’s supposed to be, just roll with the punches, breathe, and relax. This is just a ride, so ride it out. But when I think about my future and goals, like finishing school and being a real adult with a demanding career and responsibilities, I feel I don’t have the energy for anything and want to be dead. Plus I never enjoy anything, even my day at Sandy Hook beach, I was somewhat anxious the whole time. It was nice to see the world outside the office, the apartment, and landscape of my commute. But I felt insecure as always.
I really, really hope the worst of the nightmare with Michelle’s addiction is over for awhile. She is getting methadone this morning. I think she’s still at the clinic. It’s so hard to just accept and detach like they tell you at al-anon. She was a mess last night. I need to just pretend, in some ways, that I’m single, and surviving it. And I need to not give up in school, even though I want to. It feels good to detach, the little that I’m able to do. It should be easier for me, since it was so difficult to attach to other people before Michelle. We were incomplete, with loose boundaries. That’s how you make symbiosis. Now the test is whether we can become independently complete, interdependent, with good boundaries, and stay together. I can only work on my side of it. This is work that can’t stop, no matter what she’s doing, whether good or bad. I did see her kit this morning in the bathroom. All the h bags were empty, which is good, although she could have a spare somewhere else, like just in case she couldn’t get dosed. I was sad to know that last night she got drugs for a friend who is also in recovery. Addicts have no heart or soul. They really are zombies. They only have the death wish.
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