Terrrrrrified

Life can be so cruel. Yes, it is generous and kind too, allowing me a chance at love and intimacy. Tonight, I get home, the person I love and need more than anything could be dead. Who knows? Living like that. Keeping faith and hope alive, and letting myself still be close to her. Despite her breaking of the "terms" I could not kick her out again. I couldn't even bear thinking about it. I'm done with my summer classes. I guess I got A's. That's a miracle in itself and evidence of my ability to compartmentalize shit, but now that it's over, I have more time to consider this ephemeral gift of love. ephemeral. ephemeral. That's the truth of everything. Why is it so hard to accept? Because honestly I feel I need this girl, I need this person more than I have ever needed anyone or anything. Maybe if I had never had it... but I have it. I want to keep it. Like I said, I need it. I don't see myself alone in the world anymore. Finally, somebody on my level who gets and accepts me, who loves me... how long did I wait for that and dream about that? It's impossible to describe, the extent of my loneliness and fear before meeting Michelle, and how much I've changed. I feel like, if I don't have Michelle, I don't want to continue with school, I can't become a teacher, I can't do anything. I couldn't do it before on my own. The only reason I even applied to grad school was because she encouraged and pushed me. I honestly feel like I don't want to live if it's going back to being alone. Life, I can barely take it with a partner to support me, I just can't do it alone. I don't know where I'd go. If I could stay here in NYC. I don't want to live in a smaller place. But maybe I should? I don't know. I know security never really exists, like anyone and anything can be ripped from you at any time, that's real. But I feel like I can't deal with that reality. I still sleep with my teddy bear and suck my thumb. What scares me the most is obviously whether I can survive both emotionally and financially if she cannot stop using or ODs and I lose her. And I just can't imagine someone loving me more than her. Why does she have to be so sick?

On a side note, one of co-workers here, who thinks he's my boss and who is a misogynistic pig, suddenly hates me because I stood up for myself last week, god forbid, and challenged his authority- and now he's trying to get me in trouble. I hate this guy. I really do. I can tell he is or was the type for domestic violence. Especially when he was younger and partying. He actually threatened me, this asshole, walking up on me (in the workplace) like he would hit me. I wish he would have.

Maybe we need to leave New York. What's the point anyway. Michelle says, she says, she says, she says, she is going to get it together here. She's trying so hard though, I see how much pain and suffering... this is where I say life is cruel and unfair because we both deserve comfort and happiness but this may be all we get. Who knows what the future holds. I feel a lot of dread but in Al-Anon they said to remain calm and detached. They also taught me I can smoke or drink if I want, I should be focusing on myself rather than breaking over backwards to try to keep her sober, meanwhile she spins lies. So I've been smoking every morning and night, purple haze, and I have my xanax prescription, and the effexor is helping, I think. I don't know. I just want a happy home. I don't want to feel paranoid about where she's going every fucking time she leaves the house or who is texting her and vice versa. Al-Anon is saying let go, don't try to police or control. Okay okay. okay. focus on me. ironically, faced with the task of detachment, michelle is the one who initially made me feel able to attach for the first time, really. now its like an umbilical cord. if the future holds this type of loss, i might have to be hospitalized.