lonely on the internet and worried about death

This morning my friend called me sobbing because her cat was hit by a car this morning and died. This was at her country home in Woodstock, where Wayne, the cat, lived a very full, hunter-cat's life. My friend loved Wayne so much, and Wayne was such a good boy. Once a couple years ago or so I was sleeping out at the country home and Wayne brought me three mice over the course of one night, to kill for me on my pillow. This was horrific but it is a sign of love. I can't believe Wayne died today! It happens all the time, cats dying, but it's too sad for me to really accept. I can't imagine losing my Tatiana, ever. Contemplating death is much scarier when your heart is really feeling the love. In some ways, this is completely new to me. I know I have always had the capability to love, but used to deny and control feelings of dependence. Last night I received a Christmas card from my grandma who wrote about my cousin Keith who died of a brain tumor recently and how she anticipates seeing him in heaven. She also looks forward to seeing Grandpa, and wrote that she hopes the whole Wiens family is there someday. I am scared of anyone in my family dying because that's never happened to me before, but I don't NEED anyone in my family on a daily basis like I need Mishy. And Tati is mine. I'm a good mommy and I am responsible for her wellbeing and happiness, so that is a very deep love. But the one important thing is, now that I'm not alone, I feel I cannot be alone again. I won't be able to stand it again. I don't want it. I can grow like this, I couldn't move like that and just kept repeating myself. The main thing we do is protect ourselves. I didn't start to love because I was ready to, but because somebody I could relate to was showing me how. But every day Mishy sees potentially dangerous clients in bad neighborhoods, and she drives. I think about Wayne getting hit by a car in the country, and I say five thousand prayers per second to please, God, keep Mishy safe.

On another note, I just came from a gynocology appointment. I had to go since it has been around four years and they say it's important albeit highly unpleasant. I went to an Asian lady doctor. She suprised me with a rectal exam as well, and was really pushing in there and telling me to relax, as if. She said she felt something. NOW I have to go BACK, after taking an enema!!? WTF! I've never taken one before. I like the idea of being cleaned out. The doctor said maybe it's poo that she felt and asked if I'm constipated, which I'm not because I never am, but maybe it's my ovaries? I wonder if it could be related to my difficult cramps. I doubt it though. She seemed to have a slight smile when giving me the instructions, like laughing at me? I wonder if I'm being taken advantage of or humiliated in some way? Should I do the follow up?

I also called Hunter College today and asked when they would send the fucking letter telling me if my life is moving forward in the one direction or whether I'm as stagnant and pathetic as I feel. They said I could expect an answer in a week or so. I just want to be doing something useful. But I don't like the idea of being away from Mishy more often when the evening classes commence. Fuck it, chronic discontent.... etc....perfectionism is something I'm shitting out until I'm clean of it because it's waste, for sure.