fucking shit up

Well, you can see for yourself Mishy’s reaction to my thoughts and feelings of yesterday. Today I feel sick about it. It makes me not even want to write. I hate the bullshit that comes out of me and doesn’t even make any sense. I want to punish myself but it seems unfair. I’m not a normal person. Today at work everyone is chatting and laughing about the office party and I just feel depressed. It’s funny how different the same things look from a happy or depressed perspective. Everything on the train is sad. The whole city is gray. I have these two options: stay at this job forever or until I commit suicide, or try to become something better and fail. That’s a lose/lose, trapping me. I feel I’m holding Michelle back. She’s not even comfortable and confident on the ship now that I’ve criticized her in certain ways, even if I’ve tried to say all along, these are just my problems. They truly are. I don’t even know where it comes from, or why I feel like a tyrannical child. My old joke goes, fuck the baby. And my mind raises some old feelings of panic in the face of all this, and the feeling of panic makes me fucking panic. I don’t want to feel anxious like Michelle does. I have managed to stabilize myself, partly by holding this non-challenging job. Now the safety is providing me with hatred for myself and this fucking place and I feel the need to escape, as if one more day might be too much to stand. So, now I’ve pushed Michelle away too, when I needed something I couldn’t say or even put my finger on. Am I codependent? I feel I have no sense of self right now, so I hate being apart. Well I did some research and codependency isn’t quite my problem. What is my fucking problem? Then a voice in my head says, “nothing,” and just like that the whole thing could poof into the smoke of my imagination. Everyone knows I have too much time on my hands. But will I be able to handle grad school and teaching? I bet Michelle will want to go to her parents’ house tonight. Fine, let her go. Even though I feel panic and have no friends.