simplify it

I really feel like I'm losing touch with reality here. Writing two posts in one day is reserved for when I'm feeling especially agitated or inspired, so I'm trying to work something out here. Although I closed my last entry stating that I have no friends, the truth is I have four friends total in NYC although they are not people I see often. One of them is my ex girlfriend and although I have enjoyed our rekindled friendship, she just pissed me the fuck off!! The Judger. Fuck her! What does she know? She knows nothing. She's more dysfunctional than I am so how dare she judge me and tell me what to do! Ironically, she was criticizing my public writing, i.e my blogs! She doesn't know about this particular blog and I don't write on myspace or friendster anymore, but I could tell she would have liked to know my exact blogger address, so she could criticize me some more! Obviously I hurt my friend's feelings awhile ago with some of my blogs on myspace! I already knew that she never liked my blogs and that she thinks they're "defensive," and she may have also said arrogant! She had a totally warped view of me and my blogs at the time we dated. She was offended by things that weren't malicious at ALL but simple stories or statements. Anything she can find wrong in someone she dates, she's appalled by it, as if she's Jesus, like in her dreams. She's so focused on the other person's flaws because she can't stand her own. That was the breaking point in our relationship too, when she was judging me over my desires to be famous, which she never understood or had compassion for. I know what she thinks of me, and how she judges me, projecting this fucking bullshit onto me! I don't even care that it seems true, her opinion, from this blog alone. I am allowed to write whatever I want, aren't I?! I'm not hiding anything! I might change my mind later or come to a higher understanding of something, but at least my blogs aren't sugar coated crap like hers! Duh I have too much time on my hands. But to tell me I shouldn't let Michelle read certain things? I don't need to protect Michelle from my feelings! But God, maybe I do. If she's right on this, I'm going to be even more upset. Is it true that I should keep certain things to myself? My friend says certain feelings and ideas pass, so it's better to not upset the other. I don't like that philosophy! I have a very strong desire, or perhaps a compulsion, to share and confess everything. I feel like I can't move past a mysterious feeling until I have confessed it. I have always confessed everything. I can't keep a secret. I want to share, I need to. I need somebody to know me and not just have me going through motions and playing a part that is appropriate. Then again recently Michelle told me to work on my impulsivity with sending angry emails. I so rarely do that anymore though! And it isn't the same as a blog. True, why don't I just write it in my private journal? Because I really want her to read it. If I'm in the wrong on any issue, I want to see how, I want her to tell me. But I don't want to suffer alone, that's all. Damn I bet Michelle wishes I would come home in a good mood. Maybe I'll take my friend's type of advice and pretend that I'm fine with the fact of today's misery.