Beddy time for baby

Aw isn't this the cutest picture ever ever ever?? Look at Misch without her little glasses on! She's going to bed! Look she's sitting on the potty! Awwww this one just kills me. I will definitely miss the tiny she-devil while I am in the studio this weekend! Usually I see her tonight, Friday night, and the love marathon begins! Instead this weekend we have to wait till Sunday, and I will come on the train as soon as I can. Hopefully I can have the chicken parm that her mom makes on Sunday evening, if I get there in time. Either way, cannot wait to be snuggy with Misch even though one night is not enough and I have to work again the next morning, and then steal her to Brooklyn Monday night. We have plans, many many plans. I wish the time I spend away from her I could say was invested in something income-producing, something to bring to the nest, but I suppose relieving my creative urges keeps me almost sane and happy, which is important also. So tomorrow starting at noon we (DM) will start recording at a studio in Williamsburg. All week I've been struggling with cold/flu symptoms and freaking out about it somewhat; I took Wednesday off work and have been non-stop slamming tea and airborne water and eating soup and fruit. The results are that I feel pretty good today which bodes well for tomorrow, but I also have such terrible gas at the moment that I have made the whole reception area smell like a kitty litter box and the tums aren't really helping. Hopefully I'm getting ready to shit out the last traces of sickness once and for all.

Angel

Want you in a family kind of way, MK

Look .... my cousin just had a baby. Her name is Ella; she is three days old.

She won't.

Obviously, Nixmary is not the only kid to be killed by their mother or stepfather. She happens to have been exceptionally pretty and the murder especially cruel, that is the reason for so much media attention. But I'm like everyone else, I felt both horrified and fascinated when I saw that girl's face on the cover of the Post and the Daily News. So of course I've been following the little segments as they appear in the paper.

The main thing I've noticed so far is the mother's lack of remorse. I can barely write about this without becoming extremely upset. I've talked to several people already and am still unable to detatch for some reason. Actually I've written other blogs about this and still what I really want to do is scream at that dead girl's mother. I have plenty to say about the "justice" system in general of course, but I don't want to focus on that either, because real justice is divine. In this case, Nixzmary's mother has only felt sorry for herself. She complains about the other prison inmates being mean to her, not having visitation rights, having also been abused by the boyfriend/stepfather, having been busy with other children during the time of the murder, and she wanted to plead a lesser charge than Cesar (the boyfriend). I'm not sure if that went through or not though.

NOW ON TOP OF ALL THIS, she is asking that she be allowed a second chance to testify because at the pretrial hearing she was "depressed and suicidal" AND THAT BITCH IS BEING MEDICATED FOR DEPRESSION WHAT THE FUCK? She should be fucking suicidal She should be depressed! Why does she get to numb her feelings with medication???? What is the point of the whole justice system if the inmates are allowed to numb their "bad" feelings and are not forced to suffer TO THE FULLEST INTERNAL EXTENT for their "crimes" i.e sins?? What is the point? If someone is not forced to feel the real, entire scope of their guilt and absolute responsibility, and do not truly repent, they are not changed and are no longer living but walking dead souls, in which case all punative action is null and void. Put her on suicide watch, yes, make sure she lives to feel it, that she was THE MOTHER and that girl was HERS to take care of, not fucking Cesar's, nobody else, HER, she let the girl die, the blood is on HER hands. Depression is not like the flu, not that kind of sickness! Why do they make feelings into a medically treatable condition?? I wish the term "depression" was never invented, so that people could identify and use other terms such as grief and guilt and shame and rage and disappointment.

The Rock and Roll Garage Sale

I am way too tired to write an extensive review of my thoughts and feelings about the show last night, so I'm just going to post a few pictures with brief descriptions. I won't even summarize the event, let's just say it was somewhat multi-media. The couple pictured above are: Bill, my homeboy and the bassist in my band, and Christina, his high school sweetheart, who happens to be married to a Japanese man in Japan. The pictures below are of the artwork in the venue. I should have the names if I'm posting people's work, but it's not like anyone will see this. I like these ethereal, girly ones.



And I liked the stove, of all the photographs.

Here is Michelle, cupping her hand to Tia's ear because it was so fucking loud. Why do they always do that? It wasn't appropriate here, I was worried about losing my voice beforehand from screaming in conversation, and it's a good thing people can't smoke in bars anymore. I was thinking about that, the old days, for singers. But Luckily, people said our levels were good and not painful at all. The sound person did a horrible job for everyone but my band apparently! Actually the one after us sounded good too, maybe he just didn't know what to do with the rockabillies.

Here are the three of us. Yes I am the scary blue eyed one. I was both scary and scared when this picture was taken (by me) as about to go on stage to sing. I had many worries, mainly that I would make Mischa feel mortified and repulsed by myself. Thank fucking God she was so sweet to me and even supportive the night before when I couldn't sleep and she is always good at talking through anxiety. Anyway she said I seemed "humble" rather than "boring performer" and said all kinds of nice things so now my worst fears are over and who cares what anybody else thinks.

passengers

Then I got to work and I was okay for awhile then I started thinking about updating my resume but I don't know how to say what I do here and my boss said he will help me but I don't want to do it! The only thing I ever wanted to do was read, write, and sing and I can't do things I don't want to do because I hate them and it's fake and I refuse. So anyway Mischa start buying lotto tickets! Also I wished I could make money from music but obviously that's not going to happen. Maybe if I was at *this* point but was 17 years old or something, not already starting to want to retire and die and I can't even play the guitar or anything, I'm not reliably productive, all I want to do is live and see what happens but I really want a house too, but I can't think about any of it today anymore period.

Nadja

"....He has familiarized me with that tremulous ennui which almost any spectacle induced in him; no one before Huysmans could, if not exemplify this great victory of the involuntary over the ravaged domain of conscious possibilities, at least convince me in human terms of its absolute inevitability and the uselessness of trying to find loopholes for myself. How grateful I am to him for letting me know, without caring about the effect such revelations produced, everything that affects him, that occupies him in the hours of greatest anxiety, everything external to his anxiety, for not pathetically "singing" his distress like too many poets, but for enumerating patiently, in the darkness, some quite involuntary reasons he still found for being, and for being--to whose advantage he never really knew--a writer!"

(I am reading Nadja on my break between part 1 and part 2 of War and Peace. I thought it looked like a "fun read," but it turns out to be one of the most difficult books I've ever tried to comprehend. Perhaps it's hard because it's a "surrealist romance," or maybe the French to English translation is responsible. All I know is I have to read almost every paragraph as many as five times over, which I never usually have to do, even sentences, and look up words, and references - Huysmans, for example).