So... I don't know if people appreciate the type of post I did yesterday- a copy and paste of information. I don't know how many people will even read it, or see themselves in all that, but when I read it (on www.soberrecovery.com), I just started crying. I have never really identified with the "codependent" term, but when I read about "counterdependency," I saw my name in neon, blinking lights. Especially when I read that counterdependent people don't like to identify or see themselves in codependency. Because yo, we just are not weak and needy like that! Yeah, fuck that! And fuck everyone... etc. Then I read how counterdependents often fall for people who are even MORE counterdependent, and act out the codependent role, and I can totally relate to that. Like, experiencing codependent feelings (in my mind=love) when rejected. Interestingly, however, in my 28th year of life, I choose Michelle, who is quite the codependent little damsel (in my opinion), to marry. Right away, I knew I could commit to her, and that our relationship could last. Why? Perhaps because she's a "wounded healer," so to speak, like my mother- A natural caretaker who struggles with addiction and other mental illnesses- who is, therefore, highly unstable (and unavailable) in significant ways! How nice, how safe. How familiar. No need to worry about an addict getting too close and consequently smothering/annhiliating me.
Realizations... la la la. Stuff I kind of already knew. But the counterdependency thing, that's a new concept for me. And I get it: I've set myself up for failure! Aaaackkk! Phtoey! (That's me spitting).
I'm still living alone (with my pit bulls). The move-back-in date for Michelle has been pushed into mid-July due to violations of our agreement. I miss her very much. I'm trying to be strong and make the right decisions and hold my ground though. It certainly doesn't help that I'm extremely worried about Tati right now (my cat). She apparently developed such a severe case of constipation that it became *obstipation* ... she had to go to the hospital last weekend to get the poo digged out and receive fluids and enemas and the whole 9 yards... which came to 14 motherfucking hundred dollars. I had to spend money that I had saved up for when I have to quit my job and start student teaching. Of course I didn't have pet insurance (how many people do?), and now the whole "pre-existing condition" is an evil reality for us (we're fucked).
The worst part is that since coming home on Monday afternoon, she still hasn't pooed. I've been feeding her the special W/D food, with lactulose and fish oil and water mixed in... doesn't seem to be working. The vet says, "Bring her right back in or take her to the hospital again!"
But the PRICES ARE OUTRAGEOUS. SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY FUCKING OUTRAGEOUS. Where do they get off? I can't pay for any more treatment at this point. She's only 6 years old, otherwise healthy, but now she might die! I feel that I have failed her, as a mother, due to my own ignorance. What, am I going to just watch my cat/caughter die? It's so awful. Why do they make it financially impossible to treat an animal? It's a fucking cat!!!! Jesus. I'm so mad about it. So I guess I'm going to order these *kitty enemas* from Pet RX online and try to care for her myself.
Al-anon and Nar-anon are all about surrendering to your higher power (god, whatever), but I feel super mad at god right now, and like there is no god, so what's the point. I can submit to these realities in my life, but it doesn't bring me joy or peace. I feel instead like I am submitting to the evil bullshit of the world, and it feels like an inevitable giving up.
Nobody hardly ever comments to me on here, but you know, you can. If you disagree or whatever, it's totally fine. I probably won't curse you out, unless you say something particularly offensive or stupid. But again, if you're someone who knows me, just post anonymously so I don't become obsessed with whether or not I might have offended you in particular or gotten someone in trouble. I'm an open book, you know. (Because I feel like I have no real self. But I do. I do!)
Well, if you're wanting comments and responses, here I am offering one! I'd like to share a couple dreams that I've had this week, perhaps you can analyze them? They all feature past and present romantic and sexual partners. In the first one, I was involved with and attracted to an ex J and ex G, and I planned to tell M that I needed an open relationship. I was frightened, but it seemed necessary. In the second dream, M and I were, well, cupcake on cupcake, if you know what I mean, and after having an O, I was informed by her that our act was disgusting and/or wrong. In the third dream, I had informed ex G of my desire for receiving pleasure, and had set a time and place, upstairs, on a mattress on the floor. For some reason, once there, she stalled and/or wasn't interested, and I felt quite frustrated. In the fourth dream, I saw ex (kind of an ex, not really) T and her died black hair was growing out. I confused her with myself. Then my parents told me that her parents had told them that T needed a new medication for her mental illness and had lost her home/apartment. I thought, Well no wonder I haven't seen her around (her house was the house of a boy I liked as a teen, across the street). In the fifth dream, I was with an ex K, highly aroused and wanting to get it on and/or marry him. And I thought, this is the one guy with a c*ck that arouses me, or something of the sort, and we were in love. Now... let me have it, Doctor! Tell me what these dreams mean (besides the fact that I'm emotionally and sexually unsatisfied).
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