Love = Evol

This is on my bathroom wall. I painted it.

Maren

I LOVE MAREN

cripple foot

They told me yesterday that it is good luck to get acupuncture on your birthday. I really hope so! What if this year could be better than all the rest?



The first picture is just a close up of the problem. Can you see the scar tissue? It is usually much darker but my new shoes have provided a lot of relief, and I think the needles are helping too. Sometimes the bump turns purple, which is blood under there. It is a very hard bump and pinches the nerves against the foot bones.

This next picture is a closeup of the right (painful) foot which has how many needles stuck into it? A lot. Basically my spleen line is being provided with long due relief. During this session I laid on my stomach with my feet propped up on pillows. The needles going in around the bump were VERY SHARP. Then the whole thing turns warm and you keep breathing deeply.














And the last picture features my disgusting amazon legs! Aren't they gross?? hahahah my roomate can't stand it. But no one is fucking me, so why should I shave? I'll shave when or if I meet someone. You can see one of my stains too, the birthmark on my left leg. All my stains are on the spleen line. Isn't that weird?

Eternity

O defile me

I am no longer depressed at all hahahahaha

Practice last night was great and as I noted in yesterday's comment section, I have arranged for my band to play on this coming Monday night. Between securing that engagement and getting my new camera, everything in my world is great and my birthday is extremely happy. Except for one thing that I still want that is taking so much longer than expected, but I wanted to be alone

We finished the new song last night. We just cut out section B and C and elaborated on section A and that's it. It's way better! Also we wrote a new song. I sing: sacrosanctity / O defile me. I have to look up and make sure sacrosanctity is even a word though. Mark is supposed to send it to me



And lastly, here's a picture of my psycho pet.

dehydrated

i've been thinking maybe i should go back on antidepressants. i don't really want to. but this is pretty lame. crying all the time. tomorrow is my birthday! it just makes my eyes fill up with tears and the gagging feeling. toward other people, nothing but hostility. but i can't stop crying. it's the only thing that releases it. too bad it makes my eye makeup run. it's not that i don't think anyone loves me but that i can't feel it, i can only feel crying. i was just reading about another boy who was killed by his ma. she smothered him. his dad found him. can you imagine your mom turning on you like that? the one person that is supposed to love you and take care of you. and they hate you.



you're just a little person like a little animal and you have no idea what's going on but you come into the world knowing how to love people and expecting it back. and they just hate you instead.

and they deny you what you need to survive and you have to learn how to survive without it. but how can they hate you? and then how to stop hating yourself for still loving them or just hating yourself period.

Dolor del todo

I am so tired today I keep forgetting to breathe. There are a number of physical problems affecting me actually. The first one is fatigue and it is my own fault. I'm at the front desk. When I try to smile at people it feels hard to move my face.

Friday night (I am so mad at myself) I had fun plans and had even double booked myself then I got home from work and felt so tired that I couldn't go back out and I stood everyone up, missed the Services show, and did it all to "be kind to myself" because I realized I was pmsing, but then look how I toss myself like a rag into the new week.

I don't have anything to say. I am basically okay with everything. I don't need sex anymore I have conquored my drive. I also don't need love because my heart has turned into macaroni and cheese. So eat it bitch, I don't care.