Gowanus healer, Heart stealer, Saver of The World

It's a cold rainy day, and I wish to God I was at home, in bed. I went to the h.s. this morning and I was nervous because today was supposed to be the day I ask my group to take turns reading out loud. I'm reluctant to discuss my progress as a future teacher, and my thoughts, because most of them are strange, idealistic, and I imagine people saying, "Oh, she doesn't know what she's talking about because she has no experience." As a teacher, I want to be a sort of Buddhist Socrates... sound impossible? The thing is, I can't be a regular teacher. But if I can pull off my vision, the experience will be so much better than regular. My philosophy is along the lines of what I learned in nar-anon, too, in terms of surrendering control of another person's behavior and decisions. I can't and won't try to force anyone to do anything. I feared my ideas were ineffective during the last tutoring session I ran, during which there was very little focus, but I did not become authoritarian, at all. It just isn't in my nature. Some people might describe me as manipulative, but that's a misunderstanding, for the most part. I would never want anyone to do anything that was wrong or that they wouldn't choose of their own volition. In my group, I told them that from my understanding of the program, they are supposed to motivate and push each other, and help each other study. It is scary to not seize control when they avoid their work. But the moment the teacher seizes control, the students become infantile. If they can and will only do the work when being forced, they won't enjoy it and they won't remember much either. True strength and power only comes from knowledge that we seek on our own. If someone can realize that, at any point, they can get free. Otherwise? Waste of time, this whole schooling business. So this morning, I was happy to note that certain students in the group started taking on the teaching role, and I was able to act as co-learner. I did speak up in order to redirect the group's focus a couple times, but with a sense of humor, and not in a frustrated manner. For instance, the students wanted to look at a magazine catalogue of hoodies and sneakers, rather than study. They were pointing out which hoodies they would buy, so I indicated the one that I preferred, and then noted that they may not be getting the most out of their time in the study group, unless the catalogue were put away for the rest of the session. My plan is to ignore almost everything and permit almost everything (except dangerous behavior). I don't mind gum, soda, swearing, talking, moving around the room, reading other materials, drawing during the lesson.... for the most part. I hope to ask interesting enough questions and form real relationships with the students to the point where they enjoy talking about things with me and as a group, and they feel free to express themselves. This is the difference between being forced to participate in a conversation versus wanting to be involved. And if someone happened to be up all night and unable to participate, that's their decision and their responsibility. The main thing I want to do is encourage self esteem and creativity. I understand that the students have to do well on tests, however, and that if they did poorly, I would be held responsible. But it seems to me that if they were allowed to express themselves more freely, they would do more actual reading and writing, rather than resisting it, and practice in this way would do more for test scores than doing practice tests every day. I'm sure my opinions and methods will change as I get more experience, but I don't think I'll ever want anything more than to give the kiddies the greatest gift with the greatest responsibility, freedom.