Charles

A special meeting just occured between myself and a man named Charles, on 10th avenue, between 32nd and 33rd Street. I have not had a god messenger approach me in several years, and finally, it happened again! I went outside to smoke a cigarette and drink a cup of coffee on my break. I sat down on the sidewalk around the corner from my work office. A black man was walking by and then he looked at me. He said, "It's you!" He had a Jamaican accent, I think. I said, "I'm sorry but I don't recognize you. Do we work in the same office building?" He said he had seen me around the neighborhood and had recorded me in his mind. He said his mind records everything, but particularly me because he liked me. He said he is a computer programmer and is working on book on cell biology and showed me a science book in his bag. I thought me might be mentally ill, but his presence didn't bother me at all. He started explaining how he believes nature is god, nature, all the cells that compose each living and inanimate thing, all the fighting among countries and religion is the product of division and illusion (maya)... in short, we were agreeing on everything!! Everything he said, I was like, yeah yeah yeah, and everything I said, he was like, I can't believe you understand what I'm talking about. I pointed out that it was quite strange he should approach me on the street when we are clearly obsessed with the same truths. We talked about death and the meaning of life (seeing what is real), materialism, and oh my god, I just can't believe it. It was a totally fateful meeting. We were saying how god is the manifestation of energy, as nature, and how we embody divine energy, and we are all connected. My new friend's name is Charles. He believes we can make the world a better place. I'm still undecided on that issue. I kind of think that the world will always manifest the same balance between good and evil. Charles pointed out that change is very slow. Maybe I agree with him, or else why would I attempt to become a teacher? I don't want to become one of those teachers, however, who is constantly frustrated by the difference between how much they want to "help" (aka change) the students and how little change they see. I'm more interested in simply observing and accepting what is. This morning I went to my observation/tutoring session at the high school. This time I stayed awake, although I was still pretty sleepy from having a cold and taking cold medication. I don't know the names of the kids in my group because we never did introductions.

As for Charles, I gave him my phone number. We may take a walk together down to Pier 66. Upon parting, we shook hands several times, and then he kissed my hand!

Matchbook Seeks Maniac

The F train was messed up this morning. I love commuting on the train. I'm not being sarcastic. I find that it is a truly intimate experience with other people. When I observe people, I know them. When I know them, I love them. When Michelle and I ride the train together, we get the same senses about people. We notice the same things too. When I sit next to a man who insists on having his legs open when there's not enough room for that, I open mine too so that our legs are pressing against each other. It means we are communicating throughout the ride. Sometimes I really want to touch people or lean on them. Today there was a cute, short girl standing with her back close to me. I was inspecting the bright skin of her neck, and I wondered if she would scream or something if I put my arm around her waist, like how I hold MK when I'm the big spoon. I also felt that my bum kept brushing against the lap of the guy behind me when the train lurched, and I didn't mind. It makes me feel close to people, like one of them, as if we are a unit, in the one car of the subway train.

Last night during class I realized that I remember almost nothing from Tuesday morning when I observed and tutored students at the high school. I just hope that I my behavior was appropriate, besides the one class that I know I made a bad impression in by falling asleep. It won't happen again!

I don't want to do anything today. I have to work on transcribing a poem into IPA, and I chose one of my favorite poems, Ariel. I guess I have nothing else to say. Oh, Magdalena has been calling me three times a day and I'm glad we're friends again. I'm still not talking to G., and I feel badly because she might be sick, but my true feeling is that she doesn't even really like me, so why should we be friends? She was always judging me and telling me that I'm mean. She doesn't understand me or herself.

matar los monos

Last night I had extremely vivid dreams, and I woke up around 3am and told some of them to Michelle. The main one I remember is that I was moving out of a house, I think, and my dad was there to help me move. This is a dream that I have frequently. Here, there was a flood in the basement, and also the basement was full of monkeys and spiders. The spiders were very scary. I couldn't go down there. My dad was going to kill them, and two cops would help him. I woke myself up by asking outloud, "did you have to kill them in a bloody way?" I didn't want the monkeys to be killed, but the spiders were horrifying and I thought they might creep up from the basement. My other dreams revolved around Michelle: one sexual dream; one dream where we saw someone's dog attack this old lady and hold onto her ankle with its teeth, she was saying "get it off me!" and I tried to call the police from a pay phone, it cost 4.50 and I didn't get through; one dream where we lived in a building where our apartment was in the common space and I was grateful that the neighbors, who often walked through, were nice; one dream where we were male and I was asking god why she couldn't realize her powers and perform the miracles I knew her to be capable of.... towards morning I had more dreams. I was a bridesmaid in Shezronne's wedding (my high school friend). I was late and my dress didn't fit right. I was exhausted and sweaty and didn't have gifts. It was stressful and I was looking for a Duane Reede on google but I knew it was closed. Someone's younger brother had a crush on me and bought me some nice brazzieres, and I messed up his drawer or piles of clothes.

Anyways... probably am boring you, right? Other people's dreams usually seem tedious.

A & B

I wasn't expecting to feel as much love for my little nephew as I actually did upon seeing him, holding him, talking to him, kissing and tickling him, and letting him suck on my pinky finger. Asher Justice is a tiny little angel with white spots on his tiny nose. I believe I got him focusing on people's faces and eyes, and smiling at people - I think I taught him to do that because of how I was talking to him. Michelle taught me how to baby-talk, and I made little Asher smile. He's only two weeks old! He is going to be super smart and handsome though. I hope I still love him when he grows into a real boy and then a teenager and man.

It seems I may have Hepatitis A and B, as well as oral Herpes (which I gave to MK). The Hep antibodies showed up in MK's blood test, and we had similar recent sicknesses, which featured all the symptoms of hepatitis except jaundice. And obviously, I've been exposed to all her bodily fluids. I should get tested. I don't really care though. It's too late anyway, there's no treatment. You have the acute phase, and then you either become immune, or it becomes chronic and you're a carrier. Since we are married, I don't feel that getting tested is time sensitive.

Let me see, what other news is there to share? I fell asleep during my classroom observation on Tuesday. I'm ashamed. I took 1 mg xanax and for some reason it really hit me hard and I couldn't keep my eyes open. Next week, when I go, I'll have to simply tolerate my nervousness. The tutoring itself went fine, although the kids weren't really interested in me but I helped them with math anyway. In general..... one day at a time is a good approach to life.

Make a fearless moral inventory of yourself

This morning I discovered that the writer of a particular blog I used to follow has been writing again after taking a long break, which inspired me to continue to record my experiences here, rather than delete my entries or simply desist. I have class tonight, after work, until 9:30 or so. Tomorrow, I’m flying to Pittsburgh to meet my nephew. You know, I shouldn’t say that I don’t have any friends. I’ve come to know and feel love for quite a few people in the office where I work, including a special person that I call Jules. We totally have deep conversations every day, and this is a person, among many, that I wouldn’t have had an inclination or reason to converse with outside of this setting. We rode the train back to Brooklyn yesterday evening and discussed a wide range of issues, including how Rupert Murdoch owns Fox and The Post and an entire media empire that is brainwashing and distracting millions of ignorant people into becoming celebrity obsessed, materialistic, conservative, divisive haters. Is it any wonder that on today, September 11th, The Post has a picture of a pig (in lipstick) on its front page, instigating further bitterness and confusion about our presidential candidates? The Daily News, at least, is recognizing the date by having it in large, bold letters on their front page. As I said yesterday, I’m remaining detached from political hopes or opinions. I know one thing, which is that power corrupts. Only an enlightened, spiritual teacher is strong enough to lead without getting addicted to power. I’m talking about people such as Jesus, Buddha, or even Krishnamurti. Knowing that, we can assume that “change” is only possible on an individual level, and true freedom can only ever be spiritual. Barack Obama is not Jesus, however much people might want a savior. The savior is within the individual. That said, I will still vote for O. on November 9th. There is no way in hell I want to see Bush #3 and Margaret Thatcher running things for the next four years. And I find it interesting that the RNP is composed of the richest (few) and poorest (many) white people. How do the poor ones not refuse the fiscally conservative agenda? But actually, I've noticed that the current Republicans leaders are not making fiscally conservative decisions after all. They are also not really representing "small government", as supposed Republicans should. What is this buying of "Fanny and Freddie?" They spend a lot of money and control a lot of shit, including attempts to spy on citizens. They just say "small government" or "free market" to trick the masses into thinking things are the way they are naturally rather than a product of specific decisions about allocation of resources and support. I am a socialist. But the answer to why poor white trash are into voting for millionaires who enjoy the inequality is that they are all brainwashed by the morally conservative Repulican agenda. This is where Margaret Thatcher is especially useful. Hate brings people together and makes them excited and efficient. Nazi Germany is the most obvious example of that phenomenon. The worst part of it all is that they do it in the name of Christianity. They don't understand love, eternity, forgiveness, humility and freedom and those aren't easy things to understand. The world is the same way it was during Jesus’ life, where the political and religious leaders fearfully rejected all of his teachings and used religious dogma to accrue more power. Right now I’m reading The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov. The conversation between Pontius Pilate and Jesus that he describes is great. I really like the book, but I must have started it at some other point because I already know certain parts of it.

A scorpio would die in the desert

I’m sorry for neglecting you. So much has happened since I last wrote. What a summer! Summer is always difficult for me, it seems. But now it is September, and maybe something in my astrological chart shifted, because ever since I began menstruating last weekend, I feel emotionally stable for the first time in months. It helps that Michelle is basically stabilized and doing so much better. We are rebuilding some trust and I love her more than ever, understanding as I do now, more deeply, the reality of unconditional love. I also have begun to feel a degree of control over my mind, which may be the effect of antidepressant medication, or it may be the result of my meditation attempts, or a combination of the two factors. I used to always feel and think that I had to go wherever my mind wanted to, including increasing states of panic and fear, or emotionally, I was the helpless subject to an internal dictator. Therefore I would be annoyed when people told me to think positively or any advice indicating I could do something about my misery. However, lately I have been choosing what to think about and have noticed myself enjoying more quiet time.

Last night I dreamed that I found heroin spilled on the underside leg of a wooden table, and put my face down and tried to snort it without a straw or anything. I didn’t feel much, but then I went out to a couple bars with a guy friend, and began drinking too. It was boring and frustrating though, because I wanted to run into these hot girls and the bars were empty and nothing to interest me. I came home late and was trying to hide all this from Michelle. Then I went to the wooden table and discovered there was more spilled there than I initially realized and went at it again. Or, I considered saving it for the following morning, and I did not plan to tell Michelle.

Last night Michelle had half-awake terrors, where she was walking around, crying and saying she dreamt that I died. I tried to wake up, but could not. I just kept telling her to come to bed and go to sleep. She dreamt that I died in a desert. She said she experienced every character's perspective and was talking aloud and with various accents. I hardly heard anything, but I do remember her saying nonsensical things to me. She also went on an eating binge with Luna bars, crackers, and there were even more crumbs in the bed this morning. She has a job interview today (she lost her job in June). I am still in school, but I’m less academically motivated this semester. I have been looking forward to actual teaching more though. I start tutoring next week. As far as politics go, I am detaching. I really am taking that Buddhist advice to try to not have opinions or judgment on anything and just to observe.