Did someone put a curse on me?

On Monday evening I began to feel nauseated. I could barely eat the special dinner Michelle had prepared for me. I forced it down, to be polite. In the middle of the night I woke up and wretched violently. I spent the majority of the night awake. I tried to smoke pot to calm my stomach, but it gave me scary thoughts. In the morning, I tried to go to work. At Jay Street we transfer to the A train, but I took a couple steps onto the platform and crumpled to the floor. The next 15 minutes are a blur. A black lady asking if I was okay - a police officer telling me to try taking a couple steps - somehow getting upstairs - Michelle pouring water on me. She had to take me back home. I didn't even think I could ride the train home by myself without passing out again. I spent the day in bed. The next day I tried to go to work again and I had two doctors appointments. I couldn't stop crying, on the train, in the doctors' offices, in the bathrooms. I got another cortisone shot in my foot. Afterwards, I was exhausted and nauseated so I went home and slept most of the rest of the afternoon. Again, I tried to smoke. Again, I was filled with the scariest, saddest thoughts on earth. I cried the afternoon away. I can't think about the world as it is. Depression is just facing reality. The truth is, you can't. No one can face it and continue to function. We have to be in some denial even if that denial is hope. Truthfully, this world makes no sense. Billions of people covering the earth, consuming it, destroying it, hurting and destroying each other, exploitation and using things up, throwing things away, all for no purpose. Everyone suffers and dies. The lucky ones are loved and love in return. All the same, what's the point? Where is it going? All these years since the beginning of time, if one exists, rushing forward, each conscious mind and life destined to be forgotten and turn into... nothing? If only I could believe in a God. Even just a God to listen to me. But there's no one. I love my wife. I wish she was totally clean and sober, and I pray for that. She prays for that. Why should she suffer so much? If only she deserved it. If only all the people who suffer deserved it, but they don't. They just suffer and die. I want to escape this. I want to be in a group. I want to live on the land, in the forests and farms, surrounded by family and people who love each other... I want the world to stop being destroyed, or I want it to happen NOW ONCE AND FOR ALL. I don't like painful things that drag out. I love animals so much. The idea of extinction and the way these beautiful animals are suffering and disappearing because of humanity... I hate it! I can't do anything about it. I'm just another producing, consuming American, contributing to landfills and too lazy and depressed to make any real difference. If making a difference is even a worthy goal. Why not just observe and see how it all pans out? What kind of teacher would I make? I'm scared of everything. Scared to be in charge, to tell anyone what to do, to be responsible. I don't believe in myself. I'm not like other people who become teachers, they all seem cocky and to love being in charge and in control. I don't want control in this instance. I don't know what I want. I spent last night waking up intermittently with gas cramps and dry diarrhea, meaning nothing coming out but air and a tiny amount of liquid. I haven't eaten in 72 hours, besides some yogurt and a couple other small snacks. How can everyone continue their routines? Don't they see the pointlessness of it all? The devil runs this world. It's been proven too many times. There's no way to redeem all the wrong. Today I am faithless.