I want to write a brief but thorough update on my life as I feel overwhelmed by the changes and events that have transpired as of late. Writing a list rather than in paragraphs eases the pressure of that task, so without further ado...
1) My foot is not "all better," as I conveyed to you after receiving the cortisone shot. It remains painful and uncomfortable. This means I will most likely need foot surgery. I am actually looking forward to surgery, as it has become my only hope for relief.
2) Technically, Michelle and I are not married anymore, for now. We are girlfriends. This is because I basically threatened to break up with her again, if she didn't get help and make some significant changes. I told her I was becoming unhappy in the relationship. You can't say this if you're married. I kind of think you can, actually, but in her mind, breaking up is not an option and should not be suggested. We had long talks about this. For some reason, I became extremely stubborn about my main point, which is that behavior that damages a relationship is as much a violation of wedding vows as is an explicit threat to end the relationship. The sad thing is, I did not intend to threaten her and it really hurt her. I explicitly planned to NOT threaten her because it would be the second time and I don't want to "cry wolf." In hindsight, according to her, I did this because I wished to hurt her (because her behavior hurt/stressed/angered me). Realizing the truth in this, I fear myself. It seems that even when I think I'm being fair and rational, there is another part of me that handles all questions of pain and justice. That "other" part is merciless and executes each plan according to an almost unfeeling code of ethics. In a way, I'm grateful. I actually just told Michelle the truth about me, which is that I will suffer for a long time, take the responsibility, take care of the other, allow myself to be disrespected and neglected up until a certain, crucial point. At that point, I become detached and I walk away. I didn't and don't want that to happen with Michelle! That is why I told her - don't let this happen - don't make me leave you - I think you are sabotaging the relationship. The cold part of my personality has saved me many times, which is why it is strong. But I don't want to be pushed to that because I have so much love to give. My little lady is so cute and sweet in the mornings- with her soft, brown curls, the face of a sleepy wolf, the tiny body curled under the sheets, her slightly sour vegetable breath mixed with sleepy, baby smells. Michelle is everything to me; she is my link to sanity. Why do I find sanity through someone who is clearly insane? Sanity and reality have to do with owning your experience and seeing it reflected in other people. However, Michelle and I are not exactly the same. Someone who is more like me would be problematic as a partner. I need more power than the other person.
3.) The somatization of anxiety is obviously behind my pathetic immune system. I keep getting sick and cannot recover. I have a stomachache that only rarely goes away and I have been having 10-12 bowel movements per day, on average.
4.) Lately I have no belief in any sort of god whatsoever. I see is that the world is ruled by evil, always has been and always will be. In some ways reading about colonization, slavery, lynching, treatment of "immigrants," patriarchy, capitalism, religious hypocrisy - all this fucking shit - inspires me to try to change the world. In another way, it makes me want to give up.
5.) I love my cat.
6.) My parents are coming to visit me. They haven't come here in over seven years or so. I'm nervous, but excited, I guess.
7.) I have a paper to write. I have to state my educational philosophy in terms of specific theoretical pedagogies and back it up with articles and/or personal experience. This paper is important to me, so I will be anxious until it's well underway. Then the semester is over. I didn't even think I could motivate myself enough to APPLY to graduate school, and here I am, one significant step closer to my dream. My dream is to save people and save myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment