Everything new is old (everything old is new)

I'm feeling pleasant in the present. I'm not even miserable being at work. I'm just floating along, doing what the other workers do. It helps to leave the building, and I just spent an hour at Duane Reade. Yesterday I went shopping for Michelle and also just stared at stuff in Borders. There is a lot of shopping to be had around these parts, although I don't like crowds or lines. I like to do the zombie-window-shop-shuffle. That means picking up and examining things you're not even interested in, just killing time and preoccupied with something else. But I really feel happy today, haha. In less than an hour I'm going up to Harlem to meet my baby at her work, then we take Metro North to her parents' house for a holiday weekend, including Christmas tree decoration and everything.

simplify it

I really feel like I'm losing touch with reality here. Writing two posts in one day is reserved for when I'm feeling especially agitated or inspired, so I'm trying to work something out here. Although I closed my last entry stating that I have no friends, the truth is I have four friends total in NYC although they are not people I see often. One of them is my ex girlfriend and although I have enjoyed our rekindled friendship, she just pissed me the fuck off!! The Judger. Fuck her! What does she know? She knows nothing. She's more dysfunctional than I am so how dare she judge me and tell me what to do! Ironically, she was criticizing my public writing, i.e my blogs! She doesn't know about this particular blog and I don't write on myspace or friendster anymore, but I could tell she would have liked to know my exact blogger address, so she could criticize me some more! Obviously I hurt my friend's feelings awhile ago with some of my blogs on myspace! I already knew that she never liked my blogs and that she thinks they're "defensive," and she may have also said arrogant! She had a totally warped view of me and my blogs at the time we dated. She was offended by things that weren't malicious at ALL but simple stories or statements. Anything she can find wrong in someone she dates, she's appalled by it, as if she's Jesus, like in her dreams. She's so focused on the other person's flaws because she can't stand her own. That was the breaking point in our relationship too, when she was judging me over my desires to be famous, which she never understood or had compassion for. I know what she thinks of me, and how she judges me, projecting this fucking bullshit onto me! I don't even care that it seems true, her opinion, from this blog alone. I am allowed to write whatever I want, aren't I?! I'm not hiding anything! I might change my mind later or come to a higher understanding of something, but at least my blogs aren't sugar coated crap like hers! Duh I have too much time on my hands. But to tell me I shouldn't let Michelle read certain things? I don't need to protect Michelle from my feelings! But God, maybe I do. If she's right on this, I'm going to be even more upset. Is it true that I should keep certain things to myself? My friend says certain feelings and ideas pass, so it's better to not upset the other. I don't like that philosophy! I have a very strong desire, or perhaps a compulsion, to share and confess everything. I feel like I can't move past a mysterious feeling until I have confessed it. I have always confessed everything. I can't keep a secret. I want to share, I need to. I need somebody to know me and not just have me going through motions and playing a part that is appropriate. Then again recently Michelle told me to work on my impulsivity with sending angry emails. I so rarely do that anymore though! And it isn't the same as a blog. True, why don't I just write it in my private journal? Because I really want her to read it. If I'm in the wrong on any issue, I want to see how, I want her to tell me. But I don't want to suffer alone, that's all. Damn I bet Michelle wishes I would come home in a good mood. Maybe I'll take my friend's type of advice and pretend that I'm fine with the fact of today's misery.

fucking shit up

Well, you can see for yourself Mishy’s reaction to my thoughts and feelings of yesterday. Today I feel sick about it. It makes me not even want to write. I hate the bullshit that comes out of me and doesn’t even make any sense. I want to punish myself but it seems unfair. I’m not a normal person. Today at work everyone is chatting and laughing about the office party and I just feel depressed. It’s funny how different the same things look from a happy or depressed perspective. Everything on the train is sad. The whole city is gray. I have these two options: stay at this job forever or until I commit suicide, or try to become something better and fail. That’s a lose/lose, trapping me. I feel I’m holding Michelle back. She’s not even comfortable and confident on the ship now that I’ve criticized her in certain ways, even if I’ve tried to say all along, these are just my problems. They truly are. I don’t even know where it comes from, or why I feel like a tyrannical child. My old joke goes, fuck the baby. And my mind raises some old feelings of panic in the face of all this, and the feeling of panic makes me fucking panic. I don’t want to feel anxious like Michelle does. I have managed to stabilize myself, partly by holding this non-challenging job. Now the safety is providing me with hatred for myself and this fucking place and I feel the need to escape, as if one more day might be too much to stand. So, now I’ve pushed Michelle away too, when I needed something I couldn’t say or even put my finger on. Am I codependent? I feel I have no sense of self right now, so I hate being apart. Well I did some research and codependency isn’t quite my problem. What is my fucking problem? Then a voice in my head says, “nothing,” and just like that the whole thing could poof into the smoke of my imagination. Everyone knows I have too much time on my hands. But will I be able to handle grad school and teaching? I bet Michelle will want to go to her parents’ house tonight. Fine, let her go. Even though I feel panic and have no friends.

lonely on the internet and worried about death

This morning my friend called me sobbing because her cat was hit by a car this morning and died. This was at her country home in Woodstock, where Wayne, the cat, lived a very full, hunter-cat's life. My friend loved Wayne so much, and Wayne was such a good boy. Once a couple years ago or so I was sleeping out at the country home and Wayne brought me three mice over the course of one night, to kill for me on my pillow. This was horrific but it is a sign of love. I can't believe Wayne died today! It happens all the time, cats dying, but it's too sad for me to really accept. I can't imagine losing my Tatiana, ever. Contemplating death is much scarier when your heart is really feeling the love. In some ways, this is completely new to me. I know I have always had the capability to love, but used to deny and control feelings of dependence. Last night I received a Christmas card from my grandma who wrote about my cousin Keith who died of a brain tumor recently and how she anticipates seeing him in heaven. She also looks forward to seeing Grandpa, and wrote that she hopes the whole Wiens family is there someday. I am scared of anyone in my family dying because that's never happened to me before, but I don't NEED anyone in my family on a daily basis like I need Mishy. And Tati is mine. I'm a good mommy and I am responsible for her wellbeing and happiness, so that is a very deep love. But the one important thing is, now that I'm not alone, I feel I cannot be alone again. I won't be able to stand it again. I don't want it. I can grow like this, I couldn't move like that and just kept repeating myself. The main thing we do is protect ourselves. I didn't start to love because I was ready to, but because somebody I could relate to was showing me how. But every day Mishy sees potentially dangerous clients in bad neighborhoods, and she drives. I think about Wayne getting hit by a car in the country, and I say five thousand prayers per second to please, God, keep Mishy safe.

On another note, I just came from a gynocology appointment. I had to go since it has been around four years and they say it's important albeit highly unpleasant. I went to an Asian lady doctor. She suprised me with a rectal exam as well, and was really pushing in there and telling me to relax, as if. She said she felt something. NOW I have to go BACK, after taking an enema!!? WTF! I've never taken one before. I like the idea of being cleaned out. The doctor said maybe it's poo that she felt and asked if I'm constipated, which I'm not because I never am, but maybe it's my ovaries? I wonder if it could be related to my difficult cramps. I doubt it though. She seemed to have a slight smile when giving me the instructions, like laughing at me? I wonder if I'm being taken advantage of or humiliated in some way? Should I do the follow up?

I also called Hunter College today and asked when they would send the fucking letter telling me if my life is moving forward in the one direction or whether I'm as stagnant and pathetic as I feel. They said I could expect an answer in a week or so. I just want to be doing something useful. But I don't like the idea of being away from Mishy more often when the evening classes commence. Fuck it, chronic discontent.... etc....perfectionism is something I'm shitting out until I'm clean of it because it's waste, for sure.