rats!

Last night I had a dream that I wanted to have a birthday party but I had to clean up the house. There were a lot of things to clean up. For one, my journals and writing was laying around and covering the walls and people were reading it and laughing at me. Then I saw a rat, and then I saw more and there was a major rat problem, and they were as large as small cats. But my cat, Tatiana, was hunting them and tearing the skin off their heads and blood started soaking everything. I said, "look, she's scalping them like indians!" Then I got out a can of raid and sprayed them, and they couldn't move and died frozen. When we realized they were dead (but still trembling) I knew I had to remove them. I suggested putting them in a bag and a box, but wondered how I might pick them up and worried about how they would start to smell. Blood was everywhere. I was wiping with a blanket, then I went to wring it out and the pool table turned pink with blood. All this time I knew I needed to get on the ball with inviting people to my party, but I only invited one person over text. The party was to be tomorrow, but I wondered if maybe no one would come anyway. I don't know why I dreamed about the rats, but the blood probably has to do with the blood smeared pages of MK's 2001 journal when she was cutting herself that I was reading yesterday. And obviously I'm not too confident about the contents of my own journal. I just read my own from a few summer months in 1998. It's crazy how hard it is to really remember things. I obviously wrote it, but only remember the most general or concrete aspects. I hope when I'm senile the memories come back vividly, I don't like to lose anything that's mine like memories. I think journals are the best things in the world. I'm so glad my Mishy has kept them all her life. If only she didn't throw some away! It's funny how sometimes there are lies or denial in the journals though, like trying to like boys and confusion about it.